Finding the calm…
I almost lost it during yoga. How can that be…you might be curious. First of all, if you have not been to yoga, do not be intimidated by what I am about to say. To understand, I have to paint a picture I wasn’t going to share. It sunk its claws in me, so let me pry them off. Around 3 years ago, my body started another war. I wrote about it in previous posts way back, but the gist was that every joint was on fire. Every. Single. Joint. My left shoulder started to freeze up and caused me tremendous pain. I wasn’t sure I could finish out the school year as it locked up and was causing pain beyond words. I could no longer do “Brain Gym” moves for my class. Those moves not only centered my students, they helped me as well. I would play classical music, the kind most of my students had not heard, and we would breathe deeply to get centered. We would do cross body exercises to warm up our minds as well as get the “wiggles” out. I loved every moment of it.
It has been a difficult transition coming back from that point. So today, as the yoga instructor led us through hot yoga, I felt the steam seep into my joints to hopefully aid in my practice. I listened to her as she said to find our focal point. I was flustered at first when I saw a man come in and almost take the exact spot behind me as I knew I would not focus. I had, unfortunately, worn a shirt I never wear to yoga and it was loose…thus riding up if you know what I mean. At the last moment, he moved his mat. Saved from embarrassment I thought. We began the series and since I am somewhat of a regular, I knew this girl might remember me telling her I couldn’t move deeper into some poses. If you are brand-new, she sometimes walks by and assists you in the correct posture.
Since I had missed two weeks, I listened as she started this practice differently. I tried not to look at anyone else in the room except for me. Later, she began one of the poses that has caused me some pain, so I broke the silence by asking if there was an alternative (I just stood in mountain pose). The problem started then I think. The doubts began to creep in about why am I there if I can’t do all the poses. Then I squashed it by saying this is for me. I like doing this. Some things are easier than others. Stop pestering me, self-doubt. I tried hard to focus again on the poses and what I am capable of doing…not what others are doing. Unfortunately, I caught a glimpse of “underwear man” again. He looks kind of like this Bikram man. Except for the fact that he is much older than I am.
I will not lie…I have speculated that it might be humorous during toe stand if he errrm, fell over. What? I’m just being honest. So I fought hard with my inner demons, and thought I had them all tied up in a nice little bow, until the end of class. She turned the lights down low, and was speaking about your inner thoughts. About what brings you to the mat. About letting go of the worries and the chaos of the world. I felt myself tear up a little. But, I forced it back. Stop. You are doing okay. Find the calm in the storm and stay there as long as you need. I know where my calm is.