How Creating Self-Compassion Opens the Door to Healing

Self-compassion

Whew.  Some weeks are harder than others.  After coming off of my recent MCL knee injury, I was made to rest for approximately 6 weeks.  I had to learn things all over again that I worked really hard to teach myself when my body was so wracked with pain I could barely move.

How did I create self-compassion for myself and how did it allow me to actually heal in a more complete way?

I was working not to trigger those thoughts of pain, and in those first days, it was a struggle to practice everything I teach my group to do…which ended up being a blessing in disguise.  I learned now that I have those skills in mindfulness, which I previously did NOT have in my tool box, that I can get through the pain much easier. 

In our society, we are taught that bashing ourselves is not only okay, but it gets people’s attention.  Unfortunately, research has proven that this leads to consequences in the thought processes that actually perpetuate anxiety, depression, and of course lowered self-esteem.

Wait.  Where’s the good news?   Psychologist and author Kristin Neff, has said that cultivating self-compassion really centers around three things: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.  I had actually been practicing all three in my journal therapy and wasn’t even aware that it had been “studied” and researched.  I just knew intuitively that I had a knack for getting to the root of the problem thus helping others to heal as well.

Strategies for Creating More Self-Compassion

If you are working through emotional triggers and trauma, this part is a must do in your self-care routine.  I will kick your butt if you try that lame excuse of not having enough time.  Wake up at least 5 minutes earlier, put your sticky note on the calendar to journal and/or try one new thing a day for 30 days, etc.  Most people who tell others that they don’t have enough time are really saying Hey, I hear ya.  Taking care of myself right now isn’t a priority. 

Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.” ~H. Jackson Brown

Just saying.  ^^^

Now that some of you are pissed at me for telling the truth, let’s move on to the strategies.  By the way, if you don’t know who is writing this, read this link later. <<< You might be less inclined to be mad at me.  I have been there.

  1. Acceptance is key.  Thus the truth-telling.  I used every excuse in the book, blamed whatever I could, but the truth was, I needed to learn to love myself pain and all.  I needed to accept that I might not ever be well, and that my friends, was a bitch.   That was the other part of me that I denied.
  2. Dig deep.  Somewhere, deep inside of me, was the part that was hardest to make peace with.  It was the me before all this happened.  You know what, she didn’t ask for this.  Okay.  Got that.  But how would she feel knowing that I was staying stuck in my pain?  She’d be pretty pissed at me.  It is time to make peace with the old me, and become who I was supposed to be.
  3. Watch how the language changes.  I remember my dad.  Sigh.  He is still alive, don’t worry, but it was the way he dealt with this situation (bless his heart).  As someone who is highly sensitive to others emotions, I could feel his sadness.  He felt so sorry for me.  NOT helpful.  It was not his fault you see, but still not helpful.  As part of the parents who both gave me the hereditary condition, they both, in some small way, felt responsible.  Okay, so it is important to recognize who is around you when you speak to yourself as well.  You might be so programmed by your parents or others that you continue this woe is me…I am not worthy…I am so __________.  Insert your negative perception of yourself.
  4. Get out of your head!!  I am now great at this, but I was NOT for many years.  As a matter of fact, I have been practicing this now for 3 years and it has really changed my world.  In yoga, I mention this frequently as I teach my class this one thing.  Drop back into your body.  That sounds easy to do, but let’s try it right now.  Touch your scalp.  Feel your hair follicles come alive as you give yourself a scalp massage.  Touch the top of your ears, all the way down to your ear lobes.  Close your eyes.  Breathe deeply for a full round of three.  Say “I am worthy.” With each breath feel the worthiness come into your being.  Now open your eyes.  You have just soothed your parasympathetic nervous system.  Ta-dahhhh (you basically help the fight or flight response calm down).

Whew.  I don’t know about you, but I feel better just exploring how these tips really helped me change my life.  In creating my journal therapy content each month, there is so much more that goes into it.  I created a group where people like me could heal in a supportive environment and work through this “stuff” that truly gets in the way of our healing.  Never before had I ever, in 18 years, found a group that was working on healing the Head|Heart|Health of the matter.  Quite simply, I created what brought me back to life.

I hope this has helped you today and if you want to be included on my newsletter, the sign up is on the side of the blog.  Feel free to use the social sharing buttons if this article resonated with you!

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When Guilt is a Weapon. How do you respond?

Guilt as a weapon

Advice was needed.  I read the message and knew immediately someone was being manipulated…yet again.  Manipulation is when someone uses tactics, such as guilt, to try to make you do something you might not normally want to do…or even consider doing.

When guilt is used as a weapon, many things can occur. 

Guilt can actually cause physical pain, mental pain, and is a powerful emotion that sometimes overrides reason.  The body was light just moments before reading a guilt-inducing message, and now the body begins to feel heavy.  The heaviness can be associated with feelings of resentment.  If you have truly done something wrong, guilt is a natural emotion; however, manipulative people use it as a weapon, and that is not acceptable.

In my closed group, we are exploring the boundaries we need to put in place when someone purposely tries to make us feel this way.  This can be saying yes when we really mean no, taking on more work when we already have a full plate, or even having other friends trying to make you feel like it is your fault that they aren’t getting something done because you said no.  Did you just nod your head or get shivers up your spine?

There are several characteristics of someone who uses guilt as a weapon. 

  • It isn’t always obvious at first, that they are trying to make you feel bad.
  • They might also use emotional manipulation tactics.
  • They might be your partner, and use wording like “If you cared about me, you would…”
  • They get angry when you enforce boundaries…because they know you are onto them.
  • Guilt doesn’t forgive as easily as someone who builds relationships out of trust.
  • They pretend to be the martyr…doing you a favor.
  • And the empaths favorite manipulator, the narcissistic friend.

So how do you deal with the weaponized guilt?

  1. The first thing you have to do is to decide you are done.  Quite simply, done.  This is your life, not theirs.  Any other answer lets them push the boundaries time and time again.
  2. The truth is, you have something they want to use.  So use it to your advantage, not theirs and make a plan.  They are trying to make you feel insecure for what reason??  Write it down and think about their motives.
  3. Can you stand up for yourself with the truth?  Here is your test.  Disentangle yourself from this situation without using the word “sorry”.  You have nothing to be sorry for, and your time is valuable as well.  Write down your truth in one sentence that makes you feel empowered.  You have always had the power, remember that.
  4. Put on your cape…and go.  You have been used, yes.  But put your cape on and do not feel guilty.  They are trying to use your insecurity against you, but look back over what you have that they want.  Your cape is your truth.  You are worthy of great friends, good relationships, and a positive work ethic.  Not one that makes you constantly feel used and underappreciated (can insert not feeling like shit in your journal).  What is the opposite of that feeling?  Use the words to surround yourself in this cape of truth and protection.

While this message is for a friend of mine, it also goes for all of you reading this.  Don’t let someone shift this guilt to you and tell you how they think you are feeling at this moment.  Again, that is their interpretation of the situation.  Move far, far away from the mind games, and the use of them saying things “people have been telling me…” what people?  No one.  They made that up.

Do not let them use self-pity and if it face to face, as it never is, back it up with body language as well; however, if it is a message, do not prolong the chat.  Short and concise truth statements is all they need.  Not a back and forth.  The longer you draw it out, the more they will twist and try to give you reasons to crumble.  Stand in your truth today.

Want to work more fully on releasing guilt and setting boundaries?  Join us today!

 

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7 Signs that Your Relationship is the Right One

I remember the feeling of relationships just not quite clicking.  I would possibly ignore the signs that they were not going to work out, and I can look back now and think, why did I ignore that??

I should have been looking for signs that the relationship was actually the right one, and not ignoring the signs that it was, in fact, the wrong one for me.

Years have passed since then, and I have seen my girlfriends struggle through people using them, hurting them, and talking to them like they are not worthy.  The last one is what always pisses me off.  The first thing I am here to tell you is that you, whoever you are reading this right now, are worthy of Love. 

Here are 7 Signs that your Relationship is the Right One:

  1. Your partner is your best friend.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t have your best friend from high school still.  No, but what it does mean, is that if you needed someone to be there for you, he/she would drop everything and be there.  THIS is a true sign.  I remember being in a relationship with a narcissist, and realizing that I needed to get the hell out of there, and fast.  He had the most excuses in the universe for never being there when I needed him…and if he could fit me in, I had to drive to him.
  2. You only have eyes for this person, and they only have eyes for you.  To this day, my husband and I can joke around about people we think are attractive in movies, but in real life, my mom said that was how she knew it was not just some passing romance.  And, to be honest, I wasn’t sure at first as both of us had ended long relationships right before we met.  However, after 2 months, I no longer thought it was a rebound relationship.  I no longer thought about anyone else at all.  It was quite scary at first because I had spent years with someone else and so had he.  I also never, seriously, ever, believed in the “You’ll just know” saying until this point.
  3. You can be you.  With the ermmmm more narcissistic folks I had previously attracted, I felt like I had to make an effort to look good, and that included when I didn’t feel like it.  Some people enjoy putting on make-up, doing their hair daily, and dressing up.  And that is fine, as long as it is what you like to do.  The first time my husband, then college boyfriend, and I traveled to a hiking spot and campground with some friends, I didn’t feel like packing a hair dryer or anything.  It was camping.  I needed my hiking shoes, and warm stuff.  It was much colder than expected at that time of year.  I didn’t care about the hair, but after using the camp showers, I was freezing.  We dried my hair using his heat vents in his beat up car.  Boom.  He kept staring at me.  No effort needed.
  4. You can be weird together.  So.  Fancy a game of Dungeon and Dragons?  Well, my husband did.  Again, think college, but it was quite an honor to be taught D & D as the only girl in a secret-ish society of geek boys.  I know you are thinking of Big Bang Theory right now…and it’s true.  The difference is, I had previously kept my love of fantasy things somewhat close to the vest.  Not anymore.  Wooo-hoooo.  Dice.  All the dice.  I can be an elf?  Sweet.  I can have a bow?  Why not.  Accepting all the parts of who they are includes a little bit of weirdness at times…but it might not be weird to them.  If you have something you are afraid to share about you, see what happens.  You might end up with a new D & D partner.
  5. When you think about them, you get a little rush.  Maybe it feels like butterflies in your stomach, or maybe it’s just that anticipation of them holding you, but whatever it is, you still feel it.  After 2 months, 2 years, or 21.  Yup…21 years of a rush.  Woosh. They don’t spend time thinking about what’s wrong with you…like perhaps others did.  Or if you would only lose a few more pounds, drop that person by the way, they love you for who you are.  Right now.  Now future you.  Past you.  Present day, in all your glorious mess, you.
  6. You can work through your problems.  So you had a fight.  It is okay.  It is not all your fault.  If someone makes you think it is entirely your fault…well, arguments are part of life.  You both have to own up to whatever it is without throwing in the kitchen sink as well.  Or that other person you dated gets thrown in your face, or whatever it was that is past.  You don’t resort to low blows if possible because guess what?  They aren’t needed.  You learn to work on your open communication and that really does mean facing problems together.  Not secretly.  Not avoiding.  Not hiding.
  7. You can’t imagine your life without them.  I do still need my alone time, don’t get me wrong, but this is different.  I don’t want to do too much without him because I actually miss him.  I can’t sleep right, think fully, or operate well when we are apart.  I know that it is the same way with him.  The difference is, if you would rather be with friends or another interesting possible new flame, then it’s definitely time to think about what you are looking for in a partner.  Luckily, my soul knew long before my head caught up.  Things felt like they were missing with other people, but I thought it was me.  It was actually just my soul trying to guide me out of those relationships, and into the “One” that was meant for me.

Nothing is perfect my friends.  Love is messy, complicated, and it makes you want to scream at times; however, nothing is worse than staying in the wrong relationship thinking it is you.  You are worthy of true love and stepping out of that narcissistic or failing relationship, will really give you the space you need to be true to you.  This month, I invite you to do the work within.  Come join us in the Head|Heart|Health Club.

5 Things People Who Value Their Self-Worth Do Differently

As you drift off to sleep each night, you begin to dread the next day and it hasn’t even happened yet.  You wonder if anyone would even notice if you didn’t show up for work.  You are tired of going through the motions when it seems other people are out there living.  What are they doing differently??  You ask yourself this question for the hundredth time.  How are they making it look so damn easy when each and every day is a struggle just to get out of bed…

5 Things People Who Value Their Self-Worth Are Doing:

  1. Secure people are making time for their self-care routines.  That doesn’t mean they are ignoring everyone else, it just means they know how important it is to put the oxygen mask on first in order to help others.  This is a huge block for most people.  You feel selfish.  The opposite of that is actually caring.  you are caring for yourself like no one else will, and you better believe you have every right to feel good.
  2. Confident people set firm boundariesNo means no.  They don’t say things like “I’m sorry, but…” and then explain why because that might leave a hole for some wiggle room.  I said no to someone recently based on my own self-care and then got a but what if.  Umm.  No.  I said no, I mean no.  Don’t let the other person make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself.  If this were reversed surely they wouldn’t feel guilty, right?  So don’t feel the need to explain yourself.  Again, only you can set your limits.
  3. Courageous people accept responsibility for their own lives.  In my talk today, I used a quote from Brené Brown “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”  When we stand in our own glorious mess, we don’t project or deflect the blame.  We step up and say here I am.  This is my life and I am entirely responsible for HOW I am being.  How I am showing up, and what I am throwing down.  Can I get an amen or a right on sister here?  This is such a vital lesson that many don’t learn their whole lives.
  4. Brave people let go of past guilt.  This is so hard.  Everything up until this moment has been a choice and just like I said today in my talk, if you could have done better back then, you really would have.  You were doing the best that you could, so let that shit go.  Yup (pooh doesn’t have the same effect).  Guilt is just another block on the path to accepting yourself so you can use it as a paver or stepping stone.  See it, acknowledge it, but lay it on down.
  5. Positive people don’t stay around negative influences.  They know when it’s time to move on.  This can be at work, avoiding those gossiping ladies, or even in a relationship that just isn’t working out for you anymore.  Whatever it is, know when it’s time to move on down the road.  Sing the song “Moving On Up” in your head as you get away from these situations.  Seriously.  The Jefferson’s approve.  Higher vibrations are much better for you anyway.

If you are interested in the whole FB Live chat, see this link here.  Next month, in the Head|Heart|Health Club we are going to be removing the blocks to worthiness, letting go of guilt, and working on replacing these old patterns of thought with new ones.  I am super excited about the content and can’t wait to have you join us!!  We will be diving really deep into the cycle of negative thoughts, setting up new boundaries and testing for weaknesses, and creating affirmations on self-love which will lead us to a more confident outlook on life.

Head|Heart|Health Club members area

You Can Get Through This.

Dear readers,

Do you ever feel like you could use the easy button in life?  Yes!!  YES!  So do I.  Alas, it has not fallen out of the sky to land anywhere near me as of yet.  I feel like I have always done things the hard way…or at least I used to.  The crazy thing is that it took me so many years to realize I just had to tweak a few things in my life to refocus my thoughts and actually get through the bad times.

I will never forget feeling like I was at the end of my rope, and the knot was slipping.  It’s a terrible place to be.

Head

Have you ever noticed the harder you try to stop thinking about something, the more it comes up in your life?  I have.  Trying to control the thoughts then makes way for anxiety and feelings of helplessness.  Sometimes, it just takes talking to a friend or someone on the outside of the entire situation to make things feel better.  We push down our own intuition and just keep obsessing.

I realized I had to get my head under control first in order to move forward in life.  I had to be the one to take back control of my thoughts…and not let them run from I am okay, to the end of the world is coming.

I started a small group after I saw massive results with my own style of coaching.  I started helping people in my home town, and started journaling to help others in my circle get clarity on what was actually causing them to be stuck in their thoughts.

Heart

Later on, as my work continued with clients trying to lose weight, I realized they were not addressing their own inner worth.  I felt like they were so focused on losing weight, or trying to overcome this obstacle, that they forgot who they were.  They had been mom, or caregiver, friend, or family member, but had turned off their own heart centered thoughts.  I started giving “worthiness” pep talks to some of my clients…addressing the physical or mental pain associated with these feelings.  I realized that people suffering from fibromyalgia actually had forgotten what it feels like to live.  I started thinking about how it feels to actually get up and get dressed for the day and how little things can turn your whole world around.

What if we left love notes to ourselves to make us feel better?  Would it work?  Yes, yes it would.  I was living proof that positive affirmations were helping me get through my days again and get back to me.  REAL me.  Not sick me.  Not flare-up me.  Not the me who I didn’t recognize anymore in the mirror.  From the plan I formed to heal myself, came my heart aspect to my coaching.  Because I was in dire need of learning to love me again.  All of me.

Health

Lastly, one of the most difficult transformations to get through was my health transformation.  This was the Mac Daddy of the whole thing.  In order to complete my physical, mental and spiritual transformation, I had to change the way I ate, the way I lived, the excuses I made, and the way I did ermmmmmm NOT like to think of exercise.  At the time, moving hurt.  So honestly, if my very skin hurt, my bones ached deep down to the core, and the thought of actually leaving the house to go somewhere where normal people were exercising like they actually liked it, well let’s just say it was too much for me.  I wished I had a coach years before this…years.  I could have improved so much earlier, but there was nothing like it for me out there.  Nothing but pain, misery and more negativity.  I had to be the change I wanted to see in my health care and damn if I was going to keep doing the same thing and producing the same results…because that’s what my doctors were doing…and Einstein had a saying for them:  “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

After researching, speaking to others Globally, presenting wellness workshops, and private coaching others, I am honored to be able to present to you my online coaching club full of new material each month!   Please join me in the Head|Heart|Health Club as we launch a new way to take back our lives.   ^^ See the tab at the top or click the linked word to learn more.

For the price of 2 cups of coffee.  The coolest thing is…I added a donate more feature so I can give a few away each month.  Feel free to check it out.

Stop Approval Seeking Behavior With These 5 Steps

Take 3 deep breaths.  Think back on your childhood and things you did to get attention.  Were they good behaviors to be seen as the good child or were they naughty actions to be seen as someone who needed to be scolded and constantly reminded to try better?  No matter which route you took, or even a combination, you were probably trying to win approval from the adults around you.  Depending on the reactions you got, it further reinforced this behavior.

I am going to be honest, as a child, I don’t know if I just liked the bad route or if I got used to being told “Stop that Aimee.  Go to your room.”  But I probably thought that was my name for a while.  Gotoyourroom.  <<< my name.  So I got used to lots of alone time and introspection.  Not a bad thing, really, but I did want to fit in as I got older.

Apparently, we have been wired since before time, seriously, to be a “pack” or a group.  It used to be linked to survival just like in animals, but times have changed.  We aren’t trying to forage in the cold wilderness and seek shelter.  We have evolved; however, someone forgot to tell us that.  We are still seeking that pack acceptance…the need to fit in.

At home we want our parents, siblings, and relatives to like us.  We genuinely want to have love and with love, we feel like we have to have that approval.  That doting grandma beaming at our accomplishments creating the shrine to how great we are.  Saving that last bite of special cake for us.  This does not always happen.  Ha.  Sometimes, we are the black sheep.  Baaaa.

At work we want our co-workers to give us high-fives in the hallway.  Our boss to nod at us in respect and say things like “You saved the x account today.  Single handed.  It was all you.”  You want that Elle Woods moment in the court room where everyone thought you weren’t paying attention, but you were smarter than you looked.  But the truth is, sometimes your life is more like Friends where Chandler has worked at his office for years and not a soul knows what he does.

You ask yourself questions each and every night like:

  • Will I still be liked if I am 15 pounds heavier?
  • What if I don’t wear the exact right outfit to work tomorrow?  Will they laugh at me?
  • What if I stand up and say no to something that is wrong with this policy at work?  Will I get fired?
  • What if I answer truthfully because I am really tired of how I have been treated…will I still have love/respect/a place in this world?
  • What if I was honest?

You, my friend, are creating the pressure for yourself.

5 Steps to Stop Seeking the Approval of Others:

  1. Firstly, what is it you actually want out of the relationship?  Ask yourself what the end goal is and if you seeking approval is going to produce that or help you in any way.  The answer might even surprise you.  Journal it right now.  You can do this in a variety of ways.  Put the desired result in the middle of a bubble and your actions all around it that will produce the result, or just write about it.
  2. Identify what emotion or result you were seeking from the above exercise.  If the answer is acceptance, ask yourself if you fully accept yourself right now as you are.  Faults and all.  If the answer is love, take a good hard look in the mirror.  Are you worthy of love?  Of course you are.  No past mistakes are bad enough that you are not worthy of loving yourself.  Your subconscious is likely remembering language from your childhood.  “Why are you always bad?”  “You aren’t good enough…”  “Why can’t you be more like so and so.”  <<< So and so is now in jail.  Or has had a rough life because everyone thought they were so great.  It’s time we move our inner child past these experiences with some loving kindness to ourselves.  You can heal these wounds by noticing every time you think these thoughts and allowing yourself to replace them with the mantra “I am worthy of love.  I am enough.”  Write this in your journal.
  3. Take baby steps.  In any good program they say things like “Well, it took you 9 months to gain that weight…” or whatever, but we forget the months and expect immediate results.  When I deal with clients who are in a rush, I watch their language.  What they are willing to change and work on right now without expecting to change over night always tells me more about themselves than they realize.  Are they being honest with themselves?  Are they willing to do the work?  <<< 2 great questions to ask yourself.  Don’t attach yourself to a certain place, friend, job, promotion etc. without seeing all the steps it takes to make it work.  Your self-worth is also not tied up in the fact that sometimes things simply don’t work out.  Not trying to throw anyone under the bus, but take teacher of the year.  It was not ever based on merit in my school district.  One lady won because she was not actually at work all year.  True story.  She was ill, and people were glad she was better.  While I get this, truly I do, other people were so wrapped up in winning that they talked about this for months.  It was never in your control.  Period.  Let. It. Go. Be like Elsa.
  4. On that note, learn to take rejection.  Things happen.  Let’s think back to the first time you faced rejection.  Hmmm.  I got it.  My school team (back then it was called Olympics of the Mind), came really close to winning the top prize and going to state, which was a big deal to my 5th grade self.  Sadly, we lost.  But we all had a great deal of fun and our performance was very unique.  We got to work together on the props and I made new friends.  I still talk to those people today…some x number of years I won’t name later.  Fast forward to being observed as a teacher.  UGH.  I could not stand it because there were so many factors out of my control.  Would x kid act like his lost his mind today?  Definitely.  Would such and such say something embarrassing?  Yes.  Always.  But what could I control?  Me.  Myself.  And I.  I would visualize the lesson going perfectly, having the correct responses, and being prepared.  Sometimes it worked…sometimes I had to say you know what?  I will try again tomorrow.  <<< always remember you can try again.  Something better might be coming from that rejection and you never even saw it coming.
  5. Lastly, remember you are always learning.  Focus on you and only you.  Learn to be like the cool new Michael Phelps meme out there.  It looks like this:Micheal_phelpsBut it says winners focus on winning.  Losers focus on winners.  Or something like that:)  I know many, many people who are constantly checking on what others are doing.  Do you think the people out there doing things are thinking about them?  Nope.  Have a “growth mindset” where you know you have some things to learn, but looking at other people and where they are is not going to help you.  Only focus on you and your path.

powerWant to work with me on changing yourself in a self-guided course?  More on that here.  Also see Head|Heart|Health for more.

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5 Ways to Beat Envy…

In a time when Fakebook reigns supreme, it can be difficult to see past the rose-colored Fakebook statuses.  Trending on the side is all about famous people.  The Holidays have people talking all about presents and what they are doing and blabbity blah blah.  Sometimes you just might want to slap someone.  I know that it’s difficult when you can read between the lines too.  Anyway, let’s work on ourselves shall we?  Let’s leave all this behind and think about what might be causing our feelings of envy, and when you can’t beat em’ join em’.  What does this mean exactly?  I will tell you.

Get to the root cause of where your envy comes from.  Do you want more friends?  Do you want to have a relationship that’s loving and worth investing time in?  Do you think you are supposed to be married by now and it drives you crazy when others get engaged?  What exactly is it that’s bugging you?  I once had someone tell me they un-followed me because I was too happy.  TOO HAPPY.  WHAT the actual F?  Did they read my about me on here?  hahaha.  But anyway, I guess even I can make some people want what I have.  That’s an interesting thought…and perhaps you don’t realize what you have either.

  1. Look beyond the “Shiny Happy People” status.  I am going to be honest…I know people who post all doom and gloom shit and I just have no desire to keep reading this.  It’s the same thing day after day.  Likewise we all know people who post really “Shiny” statuses.  What we have to remember is that maybe, for whatever reason, they added their boss and co-workers on Fakebook and want to look like they love their jobs every day so they don’t get fired.  True story.
  2. What do you feel like you are missing out on?  Do your friends post photos of themselves going out and you don’t get invited?  Ask them to hang out!  If they make excuses, ermmm it’s time for new friends and then that problem is solved.  No “friends” should make other friends jealous, feel left out, or feel put in the middle of things by not being invited when all your other friends are.  Period.  That’s on them.  Not you!!
  3. Don’t keep up with the Jones’s.  Jonsi.  Joneses.  Those people.  Unplug from social media if it’s starting to get to you or un-follow their asses.  Well, them too, but if their asses make you envious, just hide.  Hahaha.  Like you can hide a Kardashian’s ass, but you know what I mean.  I don’t read gossip magazines and I don’t know what’s the latest thing and/or whatnots, but I do know that people like to be praised.  They like attention.  So they post things sometimes for that reason.  Would x,y,z that they are posting make you happy?  Why?  Then think about ways you can do something for yourself.
  4. Don’t give in to the dark side.  So just because you occasionally mumble things like “karma” under your breath doesn’t mean you are a bad person.  You have not become a major Sith Lord for thinking these thoughts.  Guess what?  These thoughts are human and it’s okay.  Just acknowledge them and then deal with them in a logical way.  Go a little bit deeper within and think about what it is you personally want to achieve that is causing these feelings to come out.  If it’s that you think the person doesn’t deserve x,y,z and that’s why you are mumbling karma, well maybe.  But that isn’t for you to decide.  You just keep on focusing on your goals.  (note, there is a different way to embrace that side here. << )
  5. You are dy-no-mite!  Seriously, if you want Good Times ahead, you have to remember that you are worthy.  See what I did there?  No, maybe not.  Anyway, you truly are someone to be proud of and it’s possible that you don’t realize people are un-following you because they are tired of seeing your happiness.  I know, it’s weird.  But you never know.  What 3 things are you really proud of in your life right now or grateful for?  Think about that and go from there.  You can rise above and create the life you want!!

some peopleNeed a little bit more help and want to work only on yourself and what you can change?  Learn more about the Head|Heart|Health Club here.  <<<

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3 Ways to Boost Your Self-esteem

Self-care

 

Hey friends…I have just spent the day working on a workbook that is available to all my clients and it deals with exploring your self-esteem.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem reflects a person’s overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth…so as my husband was looking over my shoulder, he asked me about the word “worthiness” and said don’t you mean “worthlessness”?  Ack!  No.  I certainly did not.  I meant worthiness.  I was developing a way to reflect on our feelings and where they might stem from.  Nearly everyone experiences fluctuations in their self-esteem and the way they feel about themselves or how they look, but sometimes it can be hard to see the world and your place in it through a positive reflection instead of these negative thoughts that take up too much space in your head.  So tonight, I wanted to share with you three ways you can boost your self-esteem.

3 Ways to boost your self-esteem

  1. The JOY list.  Make a list of all the places, people and things that give you joy.  If you have a favorite outfit that gives you a boost write that down.  If there is an activity that lights you up like painting, drawing or yoga, write that as well.  On days you are having a hard time, refer to your JOY list.  That’s right.  If you think a day is going to be particularly stressful, oh I don’t know like a review at work day, wear your favorite outfit.  Just feeling better will raise your vibration as you go into the meeting.  This truly helps others around you take notice of the energy you are putting out there.
  2. Replace negative with positive.  I know you think this is easier said than done because I hear that excuse all the time, but the truth is, it is easy.  Pay attention to your self talk and think about how you would want your children to talk to themselves.  Negative begets negative.  Take those unfounded negative thoughts and start to make a note on how what you are thinking is untrue.  Maybe a friend said that they needed to lose weight that day at lunch and it got you thinking about that.  They keep talking about it all the time, and you just start to feel the same way.  Recognize that that’s their shit.  <<< yes, I said shit, but it’s true.  It’s theirs and they need to own that.  Start re-framing your thoughts and perhaps help your friend to do the same if you would like.  It’s not your burden…it’s theirs.  And the truth is, if someone else repeatedly expects you to carry their burden, it can be a negative feeling.
  3. Self-care routines need to be in place.  This is essential.  I was working with a client and I asked her about the last time she took a bath.  I know that sounds like a routine question, but it isn’t.  She said “A bath??  The kids take baths.  I don’t have time.”  <<< BINGO.  You do have time.  Let me come over and pull a Moonstruck on you…okay, I won’t (for those too young to get the reference, she slaps her boyfriend and says snap out of it.).  I changed my entire way of thinking about self-care in the last two years and I want you to understand how critical it is.  Self-care practices are all those activities that we engage in to improve our overall sense of wellbeing. Self-care strategies work toward improving the many aspects that make up who we are, including our physical, relational, mental, spiritual, and emotional health…now imagine you don’t have these in place.  Exercise, sleep, hot baths and journaling are just a few of the things I talk about with clients.  I could write a book on this alone…but that’s for later.  For tonight, just remember, you are responsible for the energy you bring to the table my friends.  Take care of you.

energyCome join us in creating our own energy.  Head|Heart|Health Club.

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How to Build Self-esteem…

You recall a time you had self-esteem…but it seems to be so long ago that your beliefs in yourself and your abilities have slipped away.  You let a mirror, comments, or other things make you feel less than your actual worth, but self-esteem is actually how much WE like ourselves.  Not the scale.  The mirror.  That person over there on Twitter.  <<< they have no bearing on your life, yet they do have one thing.  A chisel.  They chip away at you daily until you forget that you actually like you.

An example for me would be when I started going to yoga years ago.  I was excited about it…I bought new yoga pants and signed up for hot yoga.  I remember the mirrored walls.  MIRRORS were everywhere.  Sweaty people, tiny clothes, and mirrors.  I ermmm am not exactly smallish up top, so I find I have to basically bundle those bad boys down to try and even do yoga.  But the mirror.  I swear it was a fun house mirror and my boobs looked grossly out of proportion with everyone else in their awesome yoga tops…sigh.  Not a soul stopped me from doing yoga in that class.  They didn’t point or scream Dolly Parton is up in here.  But in my head they did.  I lost my train of thought every time I went to yoga there.  I am totally against mirrors in yoga class now.  Ha…but I am not the only woman who feels this way.

What changed?

I have been through so much, that I was not going to let all that stuff get in my way ever again.  In order to start building your self-esteem, you have to decide that it is your life, and each moment you delay doing what you want because of someone else, is a moment you lose to them.

Tips to build you up:

  1. Just like in yoga, set an intention.  Before you go to bed, write a love note for yourself and put it on your bathroom mirror.  YES, this is a trick that works.  You get to decide how you want to start your day.  When you wake up, focus on that intention.  Today I will feel beautiful.  Today I will get things done.  Whatever it is, it’s for you.  No one else.
  2. Ask yourself, are you being true to you?  If you are living according to what others want you to do, be, wear, act, etc.  how are you being true to you?  Act in harmony with your inner self.  If you don’t know what that looks like, start thinking about things you like that make you happy.  Just for you.
  3. Change who you are around.  <<< this one is necessary  I know how hard this one is.  Trust me, I do.  But if you have friends who constantly let you down, leave you hanging, and make you feel like less of a person for any reason what so ever, it is really time for a change…especially if they won’t change or can’t see what they are doing to you.  Negative attracts more negative…and the energy they put out there is actually harmful to you.  Avoid people who complain constantly, but don’t do anything to change their life.  Be with those who lift you up.
  4. Change your eating habits.  Don’t eat because you are mad, sad or depressed.  Eat because you are hungry.  Yes, this one is hard.  I know it is.  But drink plenty of water, get fresh fruits and veggies, hot tea that makes you feel good, and stay away from processed foods or binge eating.  It only makes you feel worse afterwards.
  5. Create your space with no comparisons allowed.  Back to the yoga metaphor, but seriously.  You can be doing “an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!… but you keep it all inside.”  Over there on your mat.  Who said yoga has to be boring, stereotypical and the same?  No one said me.  Do not compare yourself to whatever is going on over there >>> on her mat.  Unless she is actually doing the above.
  6. Help others feel good about themselves.  Give someone a genuine compliment…and I bet there will be a ripple effect.  Building someone up feels better than tearing them down…even if they have done that to you.  This part might be hard…baby steps.  But you can start with your friends, and then if you do encounter Negative Nancy, sorry Nancy you are actually quite sweet and never negative at all, ha, but anyway, if you do encounter someone like that, be prepared with…a compliment!  Ha take that.
Self-esteem
***Check back on October 3rd for new TABS at the top.*** Big surprise! 

 

Motivational Monday…own your own story

SO last week, someone tried to steal my joy.  I like that saying only because my old Principal would look at me and say “No one is going to steal the “J” from my JOY.”  She said no matter what was going on, when I passed her in the hall, I would make eye contact and say hello.  If I passed her 5 times, I’d say hello 5 times.  Or how you doing?  She would always be walking with intent to get somewhere, but I knew she had lots going on, so I would make sure I said hello.

Life is like that.  Sometimes, we forget that other people have lots going on too.  We want to think we are the only ones mired down in this life.  We lose sight of the bigger picture.  We lose sight of humanity.  Our focus goes from global to microscopic.  We start to doubt that there is a place for us in this world at times.  The demons of negativity come out.  She hates me.  She isn’t here for me because she didn’t say hello this week.  Well, I’ll show her.  I’ll delete her.  Chances are, she has no idea why you are doing that, but go ahead.  If it makes you feel better about yourself, go ahead.

Then there are the huge declarations on your social sites…in one week, I am deleting my account!!!  Waits for people to beg them to stay to see if anyone cares.  Or my favorite, no, not at ALL.  The FML status.  They wait for people to say “Ohhhh girl, what’s wrong?”, but sometimes, sometimes, people forget that others are doing the best they can at that moment too, so your grand display on social media might not be noticed.  However, I bet if you called someone or even private messaged someone and said, hey, I really need someone to talk to.  I am not feeling the love over here.  Then, just maybe then, you would get the response you wanted.

The problem is, no one wants to OWN their story.  That’s right.  If this were fixed, my life would be so much better.  If I didn’t have blah, blah-blah, I’d be great.  If such and such liked me, I would be fine.  But the real deal is, once it’s fixed, something else is going to break.  If you didn’t have one thing, you’d have another.  And if that person did like you, you might still have problems.  So start with yourself.  Focus on loving yourself.  Believing in yourself.  Trusting yourself. And saying HELL YES, I can do this.  This might be a hard thing, but I can do this.  Smile at people.  Say hi 5 times.  Even if they ignore you or look away.  Don’t let anyone steal your joy.  Not even you.  NOT EVEN YOU. 

_own

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