How to Recover From Being Lied to.

If anyone knows me, they know that I am in essence a lie detector…and I have to tell you, it stinks.  Deception, small or large, bothers me.  Lies of omission, where only part of the truth is told, or a version of the truth, are included in this.

When someone lies to me, first I check in with the gut feeling I get.  I always ask myself these questions:

  • Is it something I have done?  Yes/no?
  • Why wouldn’t they just tell me the truth?
  • Why did they feel the need to lie?

Here’s the truth.  The lie was never about me in any of the cases, but it still hurts just the same.  They obviously felt like they couldn’t tell me the truth because maybe this is always their default pattern.  Again, not my pattern, but theirs.  The reason they felt the need to lie is something that is in them…and that’s actually where my recovery process starts.

How to Recover From Being Lied to:

  1. In the moment, you have a quick decision to make.  Do you know them well enough to call them out on it and what is that going to do to your relationship?  Chances are, if you are reading this, you are just trying to move on with your life because it hurts and you know that calling them out on it isn’t going to change the behavior.  The only behavior we can truly change is our own and our reactions.
  2. Being taken advantage of actually means you are honest…and yes, it still hurts.  I treat people the way I want to be treated.  I would want people to tell me the truth and therefore I think others feel the same way.  This is actually not the case as I have learned over and over again.  Would it change the way I treat others?  No…it just has to change the way I handle that particular person.
  3. I let myself be angry.  I have a friend that I trust and not many fit that list.  I will go to that friend and that friend only to discuss the event.  It helps me to know that I am not alone.  They usually have a story to tell me about something that relates and our personalities are similar so I trust them.  Trust means a whole hell of a lot to me.  It is not something I take lightly.
  4. Lying is a vicious cycle that will catch up to them.  I had a narcissist friend for many years.  The lies were so thick that I think she actually thought she had fooled someone, but it wasn’t me.  Maybe it worked on other people, but I know that one day it will all come out.  It doesn’t matter if I am around or not, it will come out.  This includes co-workers, your boss, friends, partners, business folks, you name them, if they keep it up, they will get caught.
  5. Keep being real.  It really does hurt.  I know this.  Especially if you see evidence in social media right in front of your face numerous times.  You can lower your vibration by stooping to their level or you can rise above.  Countless times I have seen people who have cheated on their spouse, lied about where they are, tagged such in such in a photo proclaiming love, said they were too broke to go out with you then went somewhere else with someone else, you name it.  You know who you are and that’s all that matters.  Why they are doing this is their karma.

If you can move away from the situation over time, it really will help you heal.  Check out these articles for a little bit more:

3 Reasons You Don’t Trust.

 “Every time I’ve trusted people in the past I’ve been let down, so now it’s easier and less painful to just rely on myself.”  as this thought floats across your subconscious, you begin to feel lonely again, and then angry.  It shouldn’t have to be this hard in relationships, any relationship which includes friendship, to let your guard down without getting hurt.  Sadly, it is a work in progress and you’re about to give up.

hope_despair

Why is it difficult to trust?

Sometimes, we hold onto anger like a hot coal.  Yes, I got that from Buddha, but he goes on to say that you are the one who gets burned.  You.  Think about it.  You are mad at your spouse.  You have been mad at your spouse for years.  He/she probably doesn’t even know why you are angry anymore.  All you do is constantly talk about it with your friends.  You have not left the spouse yet, instead you stay behind your wall of resentment letting it spill out into all others areas of your life.  Work.  Friendships.  Children.  And finally, your mind.  It’s all-consuming to the point that no matter what anyone does to help you, you cling to that grievance and bitterness until you look up one day and you are all alone.

You have to decide how to get your life back and ask yourself some hard questions.

  1. Is the past holding you back?  I know that people in pain lash out.  But sometimes, enough is enough.  Are you trapped in a victim mentality?  Do you lash out at others and operate on low self-esteem all the time?  Your past experience with broken trust might stem as far back as childhood and you are dragging it around daily.  It is weighing you down.  You have become almost unrecognizable to your friends and they are desperately trying to lighten the load you carry, but you won’t let them.  You are the victim here and unfortunately, your past hurts are now dictating your present and maybe even your future.  Only you can control what is happening within you.  No one else.
  2. Are you harboring unrealistic expectations?  Here’s an interesting thought…do you have unclear expectations and perhaps have not ever voiced them?  Unspoken expectations in any relationship will likely not be heard.  Hmmm.  Think about that.  Trust is huge in a relationship whether or not you realize it and it has to be addressed openly and calmly.  However, oftentimes people don’t try to address it until it is way too late.  For example, I would have rather have had an awkward conversation than be at the front desk checking in when someone said “Sorry I missed your party last night.  We couldn’t make it over.”  And yet my friend had told me she was going to bed when I asked her what she was doing that night as I was trying to make plans with her.  I felt shame wash over me in that moment…my face actually got hot.  She was standing right beside me and lied to me.  I was not worthy of the truth?  That hurts.
  3. Are you defensive instead of honest?  Do you still harbor some resentment from childhood that makes you feel you have to come up with elaborate stories?  Look back at your role models, the people around you, your beliefs…were you lied to as a norm and so have come to accept that you can’t trust people?  If you constantly think you can’t trust people, anyone actually, and are always holding part of you back for fear of getting hurt, you will not experience fulfillment in any of your relationships.  They will feel slightly empty and the only thing to do about it is to finally trust someone with your biggest fears no matter how scary they are.  We can only love someone we trust and trust is actually one of the building blocks to any relationship.  All your interactions with people in life use trust as a foundation.  Think about your performance at work.  If you don’t trust your boss and you think he’s got dirty unethical business practices, are you more likely to work harder?  No you’re not.  You are going to leave work every chance you get.

The people who cannot trust are architects of their own misery.  They begin to see fault where there is none…even if they know you are an honest person.  Part of that is because they don’t know how to be truly honest with themselves.  It is very difficult, but not impossible, to rebuild a relationship after trust is broken; however, one thing is clear.  It takes both parties and you cannot continue to go down the same path.  You have to reign in your old actions, your old ways, your old responses that might be vague.  You have to be clear and have honest expectations.  You have to build your friendship or relationship up, and use good energy because trust me when I say this, the other person knows when you are lying or hiding something from them and it starts to wear down any good relationship.  For more help, see the tab Head|Heart|Health Club for a supportive group.

Escape PlanLike this post?  Feel free to tell me how you have handled a similar experience in a positive way.  ~Aimee

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The process of letting go.

What does letting go look like?

The inner process of letting go is different for everyone.  Inside of us, we start to feel a change happen.  Attachment to things that we once felt were important might start to shift.  We start to realize that something we once held an attachment to is no longer serving us.  We have to be open to the process of releasing attachment to the outcome of certain situations, thoughts, patterns or even habits that no longer serve us.  This can also happen in relationships and jobs as well.  The whole process is scary, I know.

Two years ago, through a series of decisions about what was best for my health, I made the decision to walk away from a job that caused me great stress as well as compromised my weak immune system.  I was a classroom teacher and I loved it.  I loved the children, my class, the books, the decorations, and the feel of lesson planning.  However, there were many other parts to the job that caused me great stress.  I was always sick.  I always used up all of my leave every single year which meant I went into leave without pay.  It was time for me to reflect on what my future was going to look like if I continued getting worse off.  I knew the answer already.  There would be no future for me if my health continued to decline.  I was giving everything I had to the job, and very little remained for me to give to anyone else, including my family.

Signs that letting go is needed:

  1. Impatient and/or frustrated with something that used to bring you joy.  We find excuses instead of happiness with the “thing” we need to let go of.
  2. Sadness and/or anger begins to replace all the good feelings and thoughts you once had about this habit, relationship, or job.  The sadness of parting might lead the way to anger…especially if you feel that this is an unhealthy attachment.
  3. Future you has started forming in your head.  You start to imagine what the future looks like without this habit, relationship, job, etc. in your life.  You realize you are not only doing well in the future, but that you can actually be happy without this attachment.
  4. Contentment and relief begin to come over you one day when you realize you don’t have to hold on to your view, size of your house, or need to be right all the time.  You can actually let it go.  Who cares what anyone thinks?  You are doing what is best for you.

Need a bit more? 

Getting off the Emotional Roller Coaster

Mindfully Free of Wanting People to be a Certain Way

3 Key Tips to Moving Forward

While the process is different for everyone, ultimately, you know when it’s time to move on.  It is a continuous process and we must constantly refocus our thoughts on the present moment lest they go back to old ways, paths and habits that we are working to leave behind.  Forgive yourself when this happens, but be determined to keep moving forward.  If you struggle with this to the point of needing assistance, check out my group here >> The group with soul.  <<<

Letting go

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The other half of the ghost story…

I couldn’t put into words last week what meeting this author did.  Here was my original post: http://theburnedhand.com/2013/10/24/ghost-stories/

Now, to complete what was actually going through my mind, I have composed this piece for you to read:

The Reappearance of the Pink Rose Petals

As told to me personally by the storyteller and writer L. B. Taylor, Jr.

At the Newport News Fall Festival, some years back (ended up being 1997), I was approached by an attractive, well-dressed lady named Mary.  She told me she had an experience I wouldn’t believe.  Of course, I had been told that before.  But this story is by far my favorite (I asked him to tell me his favorite “ghost” story).

Mr. Taylor is an older gentleman, and as he started this story, I felt connected to him as if my grandfather was telling me this tale.  So here is the tale as it was told to him:

When I was 12 years old, my grandmother died in Roanoke.  Her name was Mary Moody.  I was named after her.  I was always very close to her.  We had a special relationship.  I think she knew she was going to die, because a few days before she had given me her watch, which I had long admired.   She said she wouldn’t need it where she was going.  My grandfather had died a year earlier and I believe she dies grieving for him.

I must stop and use my own voice here to tell you why this gave me chills already.  I was very, very close with my own grandmother, Janie.  I was 17 years old when she was dying of cancer.  I refused to believe she would die up until the day before she passed away.  As the realization struck me what she was trying to tell me, I cried inconsolably.  I was given her watch by my grandfather and wore it every day after that until the chain broke one day and I was afraid of losing it, so I put it away.

At the church where the funeral service was held, as I looked down into the open casket, there were five small pink sweetheart roses in a little bouquet.  There was one for each of her grandchildren.  She had always loved pink roses.  Grandmother was buried wearing a beautiful pearl gray dressing gown.

My grandmother, Janie, also love pink and was buried in a pale pink casket with pinkish Gerbera daises around.

Thirteen years later, I was in the hospital.  A few months earlier I had had a very difficult birth delivery, and there were complications afterward.  I had cancer and it was serious. They were going to operate on me and they weren’t sure I would survive.  I was in an isolated room and only my husband could visit me.  There were no flowers in the room.  A priest was summoned.

Shortly before they were to take me to the operating room, a vision of my grandmother appeared to me, wearing the same pearl gray gown she had been buried in.  I was wide awake.  It was not a dream.  She smiled at me and said, “Don’t worry.  You will live to see your children’s children.”  And then the vision vanished. 

Nurses and attendants came into the room.  As they were lifting me from my hospital bed to a gurney, three pink rose petals fluttered to the floor.  As I said, there were no flowers in the room.  A nurse shouted, “Where the hell did they come from.”

That incident occurred more than 20 years ago, and my grandmother’s prophecy proved to be correct.  I survived the operation and there has been no recurrence of the cancer.  The doctors can’t explain it.

I believe the three pink rose petals represented symbols of my three children.  And I am convinced, as my grandmother told me, I will live to see my children’s children.

By the time he finished telling me this story, tears pricked behind my eyelids and my arms had chills.  You see, I needed to hear that story.  To this day, I miss my grandmother.  I have been having some health issues, and this made me think the story was yet another way she was telling me it was going to be okay.  Another odd fact, when I told my mother about this, she swore we had a copy of this book…that was my grandparents.  When she brought it to me, she said that the copyright was after they had both passed away.  No one remembered buying the book with this story in it, but there it was.

As told by Aimee Halpin in loving memory of Janie LaRue

Fate

Simple things…

The last few weeks have been interesting at my house.  I have a new middle schooler, eek, and one in fourth grade.  I started a new school year thinking I was going back to school myself, but as ____would have it (God for me, but insert fate, karma, or whatever floats your boat), it didn’t happen.  Instead, I got a wake up call.  Now that it is finally over with, even though I don’t know the results yet, I know things are heading in the right direction.  I tend to steer clear of my personal religious beliefs in this blog because I have friends of all faiths…including pagan, atheist, agnostic, or just plain confused.  They know I love them all and that makes my life simple.

Whenever we get together to discuss life, eventually politics or religion comes up.  Again, I am usually the one odd man in the bunch; however, they support my right to freedom of speech just as I support theirs.  It makes things easy.  No one ever tries to change anyone’s opinion, we just listen.  I love this about “us”.  It makes friendship with such a diverse group of women wonderful and rewarding in so many ways.

Our topic of conversation last night was being true to yourself.  Truth comes in many forms, and sometimes it is hard to dig deeper into our true selves.  This sounds complex, but in reality it isn’t.  Think about your life and where it is headed.  What do you want to accomplish in 5 years?  Where do you want to be?  If you were to kick the “bucket” tomorrow, what would you want said or done?  Yes, this might be morbid, but I was having this conversation with my husband one night.  I STILL have plans to go to Ireland.  I have not made it there yet.  I STILL think I was not meant to live in this one place forever, but that is murky as I am allowing other things to interfere with that thought.  I want to run a 5k without stopping.  It would be nice if my mountain bike was not rusty.  Ha.  Not sure about that one, but I used to love riding the trails and keeping up with the boys.  My hiking boots are muddy, but the mud is from a few months ago.  What’s up with that?  Why don’t I make the time to go?  I have the cabin trip set.  Yay.  So, one thing is off my list, and 20 more to go.

I love being outside and yet I allow so many things to get in the way.  Live simply.  Do what you love.  Focus on what matters.  Yes, there are bumps in my path, and occasionally mountains, but bring climbing gear.  You might need it, and when you are done, you will look back and feel great.

“There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same.”  ~Chinese Proverb

Freaky Friday…

So the truth is, some pretty ridiculous things have happened to us this week that I have not written about yet.  It’s hard to write about bad things happening in a place like this:

What is that abomination you ask?  You probably don’t recognize it at all.  Let me show you what it looked like before they uhh painted it and moved its location.  Serendipity House (Nights in Rodanthe)

Yes, they saved it.  I love that it was saved; however, they painted the shutters BLUE.  Sigh.  I’m not sure why it bothers me so much, but it does.  It just looks so sad now.  Anyway, moving on to other things that have bothered me this week.

The very first day at the pool, a new club here I might add, my husband noticed something was bothering his back.  He came over to me and asked me what was on his back.  I yelped pretty loud.  I said, ummm, I think a spider bit you.  He said nahhh, it had green legs and I think it was a flying bug.  I said that he needed medical attention.  His manly answer, nope, it’s probably fine.  Okay.  Whatever.  I have seen spider bites and dealt with them and I knew the skin looked infected…like it was already dying.  Seriously.  He said all that was left was some green legs.  Hmm.  He was trying to get his tan on, which is quite manly (not), and he felt a prick and wiped back there.  Nothing to fret over.

When we got to our vacation house, the dogs went wild.  They went all over having a great time and since it was advertised “pet friendly”, we let them explore a second as we got the suitcases in.  My girls still had to watch them, but the old doxy man went under the bed in their room and acted like a pup again.  He came out bearing…old orange peels.  Ewww.  Okay, so not the greatest first impression.  This was Saturday.  By Wednesday, we thought the house was fully inspected by the dogs.  We. Were. Wrong.

The tiny 4 month old girl pup escaped through a small gap in a baby gate and ran downstairs to see what her girls were doing.  I yelled down to get her and bring her back.  In a matter of minutes, my oldest ran up the stairs and said she thought Juliet found a tiny pill.  WHAT??  Are you sure?  Where?  How?  What color?  Well, she went under the bed that my mom was using and when my daughter tried to get her out, she said she looked guilty like she was playing with something.  The next thing she knew, she swallowed the evidence.  Okay.  Keep calm.  Don’t panic.  I should do something.  I need to get the pill out.  I need to make her throw up.  Calm down first.  My mom says that she did not have any medicine downstairs and neither did I.  We have no way of knowing what kind of pill that was.  I panic some more and get my husband.  He tells me to calm down.  Refer to earlier spider bite for his judgement on this.

My gut told me to go to the store and get the hydrogen peroxide I needed in order to make her throw up.  This is a home remedy I had looked up before and my husband claims we can’t be sure if this even was a pill.  Sigh.  He tells me we should just watch her overnight.  NEVER do this.  Go with your gut.  The dog is fine that night; however, she gets sick the very next day and throws up all day.  The tiny thing weighs 5.5 pounds.  I call the emergency vet…no answer.  I look up other veterinarians on the island.  Hour or more away.  We drive to one that didn’t answer only to find out they have changed their hours.  We have no cell service, so we go back and I look up an emergency vet because of course by this time it is after 5.  He eventually calls me back only to tell me to watch her some more.  Try to feed her a bland diet once she has stopped throwing up.  She finally stops throwing up that night and gets a few hours of sleep.  This morning she managed to keep a few kibbles down because she hates the bland diet of rice I offer her.  She won’t eat, get up, or even wag her tail.  I didn’t sleep the night before and decide this is too much.  I tell my husband I am packing up to leave and taking her to our vet at home.  I am done.

He finally agrees she needs to see a doctor when the tiny thing throws up one more time after 12 hours of keeping something down.  We find one within 50 minutes, and take off.  No cell service.  We don’t stop, we go there without phoning ahead.  Once there, the vet tells me what I already knew.  I should have made her throw up.  Immediately.  The only time you don’t is if she had ingested some sort of petroleum-based product.  Too little too late.  So, fix her please I say with my eyes.  What now I ask?  We stop the vomiting.  Check.  She needs fluids I say and I want a full blood workup.  He says he wants an x-ray to make sure there are no blockages.  Whatever.  Make it so.  Okay.  I see the x-ray.  Clear.  She gets fluids and he hands me back my dog that has a camel hump on her back.  WTH??  Oh yeah, they can apparently give dogs fluids all at once.  Who knew.

Finally he comes back with the blood work.  All clear.  You are good to go, and lucky.  Lucky??  Me?   This time I was.  Please learn from me pet owners.  Go with your gut.  Juliet is resting comfortably now and we are heading home tomorrow.  That’s about all the “vacation” I can take for now.

“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” 
~Billy Wilder

Listen to your body…

It’s been a while since I have worked on a piece for my HH friends, and other health followers, but I have a few things to share with you today.  If you are looking for tips on living with Hereditary Hemochromatosis, I have a few in this blog.  I like to call it HH for short…it is just too hard to keep spelling.  First, I want you to know that I believe most of my health problems are linked to this one disorder, so I focus primarily on that for my research.  I link all of my articles in this blog, so if you notice words that are different, please click them for the page.  Next, I do not want you to despair if you are newly diagnosed with this or any other disease.  Sure you can have a good cry, I did many years ago.  Just don’t think your life is over because of your diagnosis.  This is where the fight begins.  Yes, you have it in you, I am your biggest supporter.

I want you to buy a tiny book to put on your coffee table.  Before I started this blog, I would often quote from this book on my Facebook page just to give my friends some encouragement.  It started to change my thoughts as well.  I can help others think in a positive way.  I would say something like “This is your instant karma for the day.”  I realize that Barbara Ann Kipfer collected 8,879 pieces of gold and put them in a book to share, but I like to think she did it just for me:)  So here is your next step:

Seriously, it is a tiny book, but I love the encouragement.  Of course you can get any book of quotes as long as you have something positive to focus on for the moment.  Trust me, you will want to keep it visible.

Last but not least comes the best piece of advice I have to offer.  Listen to your body.  If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.  If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that I have followed several leads that my body gave me and found interesting results.  I didn’t write about the latest because at the time I had started getting down again.  However, I realized after reading some comments in one of my health groups that I am not alone and needed to be reminded of that.  On that note, I am looking forward to yoga on the beach next week.  I can hear the waves relaxing me right now.  So if I miss my next blog post on Sunday, I promise to make it up to you with some great photos and awesome views.  I was going to end with the word “Namaste”, but I want you to see what it means to me:

Truly inspiring.

“Put yourself in a state of mind where you say to yourself, ‘Here is an opportunity for me to celebrate like never before, my own power, my own ability to get myself to do whatever is necessary’.”  ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Pick on someone your own…age

I have thought about this all weekend and it is time to write this one.  A few weeks ago, my daughter came home from school and told her sister a woman approached her during lunch.  The woman was another student’s mom and she asked my daughter to stay out of her daughter’s seat at lunch.  They are in third grade and they do not have assigned seats.  She also said something like “You haven’t been very nice, have you?”  My child was sitting alone at the time it happened.  When I found out about this incident it was the very next morning and I was getting ready for work.  My husband came up to me and told me what he overheard and I was so mad I couldn’t see straight.  I told my baby girl not to be afraid and not to keep anything from her parents.  If she had told me when I picked her up from school, I would have taken care of it then.  I got ready in a hurry and marched into the school on a mission.  I saw the principal and asked for a word right then and there.  She was about to go into a meeting, but I told her she needed to be informed of a woman who was being rude to my child at lunch.  I explained what happened and also told her that she needed to let this woman know to take up her concerns with the classroom teacher, not my child.  I thought it was very odd behavior on the part of the mother, but I hoped that was the end of it.

On Friday, this ridiculous human being came back.  This time, my daughter was not alone and several other students overheard the whole incident.  My daughter was sitting at a table with her friends trying to eat her lunch and the mother came over and said something like “Stay out of my daughter’s seat!”  My daughter responded “We do not have assigned tables or assigned seats.” The woman said “I know that, but that is my daughter’s seat. Do I make myself CLEAR?”  She then proceeded to go over to bring her daughter bottled water since she can’t drink from ummm public water fountains.  After that, she went over to my daughter’s friend and asked why she was friends with my daughter.  Here’s where the slow motion scene comes in like Matrix.

I received a phone call at work from my daughter’s principal.  She told me she needed to let me know something that had happened at school.  When she told me the above things and the fact that my daughter and several of her friends ran over to her when she came into the lunchroom, I started seeing red.  My first thought was that the principal never contacted the mother after the first incident.  I mean, why would a grown woman keep coming back if she knew we were all aware of this?  My second thought was that I was going to kick this woman’s ass.  I am not going to deny it.  That was my second thought.  I heard the principal like a buzz in my ear saying something like “and I have never banned anyone from school before, but I have banned her from the school grounds”.  Okay, whew.  I don’t have to put on some black leather outfit and ride up on a Ducati 996, because don’t think I won’t.  She went on to say that she took statements and had her security guard check the grounds for this woman.  Finally, she said, I thought about having you two meet…stop it right there.  Yes, I interrupted her and said that.  I went on to say “You don’t want me to meet with this woman.  Trust me on that.  I am a professional and I would like to keep it that way.  I have to set a good example, and I can see no good coming out of a meeting with her.”  She then told me to think about it over the weekend, and I did.

What I came up with is this.  I have zero tolerance in bullying of any kind.  I have taught my children to be friends with everyone including this woman’s daughter.  I want the teacher to step in and have the girls talk.  Once that is done, I never, ever want to hear about this woman again.  She will be banned for the rest of the year.  I’m not sure how old this woman is or what kind of problems she had in school, but when I was a kid, my mom didn’t come up to school to fight my battles, and believe me, I was picked on just like the next kid.  What the teacher said was iron-clad back then and if your mom came up to school and talked to the principal, well it was all over then.  I never would have gone home and made up a story about a little girl sitting in my seat and even if I did, my mom would have told me to deal with it.  This mother has turned to using intimidation on 8 and 9-year-old girls, and has completely bypassed talking to the teacher.  The sad thing is, my daughter never finished her lunch and told me when this lady was leaning over her she got a weird feeling in her “tummy”.  That upset me most of all, but I am proud of my daughter.  She stood up for herself, and that in itself, is a lesson.

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.”  ~Harvey S. Firestone