What is a doormat personality? It is someone who believes they are actually unworthy of boundaries. The people pleasing behavior is there and it doesn’t ruffle feathers. There is a desire to be accepted that is so strong that it seems to override the part of the brain that says “Hey, you are better than this. Say something!”
Where does this come from? It could come from a past history of feeling abandoned, ridiculed to the point of low self-esteem, or it could actually just be there with one particular person for reasons unknown to you, but you recognize it, and want things to change.
As we work towards healing the doormat ways, you have to understand that this is not an overnight process, but a work in progress, and that’s perfectly okay. Once you have recognized the signs, know that there are things you can do to change yourself, but not the other person. You can only ever work to change yourself and this is a key factor here. The other person will not change, so repeat this to yourself.
It is important to recognize these 3 key thought patterns and work on yourself, not them.
3 Tips on Healing the Doormat Ways:
- Recognize when you are going into victim mentality. It might be like this in your head “I am not at fault here. I had nothing to do with that.” Sometimes, the truth is hard. It is harder still when you start to look at the facts of what is happening objectively and you actually see your involvement in a situation. Maybe you haven’t been all that clear in your interactions with someone and you thought that things were implied. This leads to you not having to take a stand and then it loops back around to the victim thinking. You never actually had to say out loud how you felt, but it was implied, therefore you didn’t actually have to involve yourself in life’s disappointments and feelings. I know that sound complicated right now, but think about it. Does everyone know where they stand with you when you feel disappointed? Next time, use I feel statements. I feel cornered when you don’t call ahead and just show up here asking me to babysit. It puts me in a difficult situation. There. It’s out. Not implied.
- Set boundaries that you admire. We are each responsible for our own boundaries, and sometimes we “wish” we could be like someone else. So if you admire someone and how they handle situations, think about what it is that you actually admire. Do you like the way they say no without apologizing? Write that down on a list. Do you like the way they tell their friends that their kids can’t ruin their couch by eating on it? Write it down. Maybe it’s how they handle relationships and boundaries. Now apply these thoughts to your life. No, we can’t change other people nor can we become other people, but we can take some cues from them and start to apply the good parts to our own lives. In this situation remember this, the clearer you are on what you want to allow in your life and what you want to repel from your life, the clearer your energy is. Your thoughts, actions and body language will start to reflect it. You are working on you. No one else is going to do this for you. So use this list only to work on yourself, your actions, and your thoughts.
- Start learning how to detach from approval. This one is going to take some time and will not happen overnight. Grab your journal and write approval in the middle of the page. What does it feel like to you? Circle it and branch off with why you want it, how it feels, and what it does for you. Okay, good. Next, write dislike on a page. How does that feel? Branch off, and keep going. What is the worst thing that can happen if you are disliked? Did you write it down? This part is going to be uncomfortable as growth often is. Growth can be disguised as struggle and pain. So for just a minute, think about how it is going to feel when you start to stand up for yourself. And then you keep doing it over and over again. Interestingly enough, the feelings of standing up for yourself will be similar to the ones under the approval cluster. Only this time, you will have created those feelings for yourself.
As you begin to make this change to your inner self, your outer self will start to reflect it as well. Note that people in your life, especially narcissistic ones, are not going to like this change and they might start to fall away…and that’s okay. You are now learning how to meet your own needs and make boundaries that are appropriate for you, not them. You might start to see less of them, and eventually not see them at all. The people who are meant to be in your life will now have more of a clear space and that my friend, is where you will find peace and balance. Looking for more tips on creating balance in your life and taking back your life? Check out the >> Club with Soul. << where journal therapy, meditations, yoga poses for beginners (even if you have never tried it and don’t move much), and tutorials are available to you 24/7.