Feeling Lost? Are You Open for Help?

Are you open for help?

I was thinking about how hard it is to ask others for help.  Maybe this isn’t the case with you, but if you clicked on this, I think you were meant to read it.  You see I like to help others, I really do.  The weird thing is, I tend to isolate myself when I need help.

Why is being open for help so hard?

I think one of the reasons it is hard to ask others for help is because we assume society is going to see us as something less.  Truly.  Here is a wee example of a similar mindset.  My youngest has inherited my luck at finding faithful and true friends.  They are out there, and I do have my Unicorn (the one friend you can always call on no matter what), but right now, being a teenager is hard for her.  I went through this as well.

Scenario:  I have to be partners with x mom.  I know she left me out about 3 times, but I am okay with this.  Okay?  Don’t say anything.  I am fine.  <<< Not really, but okay.

So what advice would you give your teenage self if you could go back?

Don’t be the freaking Martyr. Seriously.  I told her to suffer in silence as this person continues to blow her off is not okay.  That is good advice for a teen and good advice for adults as well.  Be open and honest about the fact that being used is definitely not okay.

It is okay to not be okay.  Why do we have to say “No really.  I’m fine.”  If you aren’t fine, you aren’t fine.  No shame attached.  People who make you feel shame have had that passed down to them.  They were told to stuff it so often that they truly have stuffed their feelings inside.  Don’t let that be you.

Sit with it a while.  As the mom of not one, but two teenage daughters, I realize that occasionally I want to put on my armor and run into battle for them.  I need to sit down.  They need to sit down.  We all need to sit down.  Just be for a moment and see what happens.

Write about it.  I give everyone a journal.  I tell everyone to journal.  Ever since my red plastic Hello Kitty Diary days with the locking mechanism that got stuck, I journal.  I was around 6…seriously.  I also remember writing something that made me feel bad for the first time ever.  I “heated” someone I wrote.  Whew.  They had made me feel bad, made fun of me, and hit me.   So I heated them right back…and that made me feel bad.  That was the first time I can remember that I knew that wasn’t the answer to my problems.

Talk it out.  Now comes the time when we really need a good talking to.  NOT a private message.  NOT a series of short texts my people.  A chat.  A sit down.  People.  Don’t isolate if the problem is not going away.  The first thing I say to my girls is “Did you really talk?  Not a text??”  We can read into the words what we feel.  Not how they are intended.

Seek help.  If the situation hasn’t magically improved by doing the work above, it really is okay to say that you need some help or ideas in learning how to handle your problems.  Especially if it leads into the area of depression or thoughts of harm.  Have a list of trusted people.  Don’t have one?  Private Message or call a friend you trust especially if you know they have seen a mental health professional in your area.  Don’t want to do that because you want to stay private?  Use your friend “Google” and read the testimonials of the folks or reviews.

In the end, of course there are things we would all do differently, but today here is your most valuable lesson.  You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time, and now you might have different thoughts, but it is time to let it go.  If you need help moving on, ask.

Are you open for help?

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Help yourself…

I was going to call this Motivational Monday…but I want you to know exactly what I am writing about.  I don’t want to mislead you as I might sound a bit harsh for a minute.  You need this.  I need this.  We need this.  So ahem, put on your big girl or boy pants for a minute and take a seat.

Sometimes people ask me for advice…and likewise, I ask others for advice occasionally.  The problem is, we aren’t really asking them for help.  We are merely wanting to let them know how crappy our lives are at the moment.  How horrible X, Y, and that Z is.  We let whatever their situation is get into our heads sometimes.  We should definitely NOT do that, but as good friends, maybe even best friends, we do.  It sinks into our souls like an anchor and there it lies.  It has extra weight that we carry around for who knows how long.  It might even take up space in our very valuable brain…space we scarce have left for our own issues let alone others.

So this is what I propose we all do before we ask for advice.  We think long and hard about our situation and if the situation can be improved and/or fixed by actually doing something instead of talking about it.  If the answer is yes, then write out a plan.  If you don’t think you can fix it yourself, and you really do require advice or help, then by all means, ask away.  But be prepared to actually use the advice others dispense.  Now before anyone reads into this, this is always purely written for me.  I am giving myself advice today.  Right now.

My good friend Dr. Marion gave me three questions to ponder over when I get asked for health advice from others.  The first is “What do you expect from me?”…maybe to clear up goals the other person wants for themselves.  The next is “What is your ideal lifestyle?”  She used this one on me a while back when working on my mobility at her office.  I thought about that for a while.  It sounds easy, but I really want you to think about it as it relates to your health.  Lastly was “How do you expect to get there?”  Of course I said magic wand…then I added that’s where she comes in.  She gets my humor.  But it’s hard working with her sometimes so I avoid it occasionally as that’s what we all do if we don’t like pain.  Likewise, we avoid listening to or taking the advice of others because it might cause us pain or difficulty.  We want the easy way out.  We do.

The difference is I know this and I still have a block.  I told her that today.  The hard things are just HARD to do.  I’m so damn tired of hard.  I don’t see myself as some of my friends do because I know what’s in my head.  I know how close I have come to not trying anymore.  Not giving up…just not trying.  But my friend told me I was so motivated it’s scary today.  And Marion told me to just stop “leading” and let her help me.  Because that’s what I do.  I look for answers, I don’t stop and rest too long or I’ll stay there, and I keep leading.  I will succeed in my goal of coming back into my body at full capacity.  I will not let these labels, these ridiculous, stupid labels, stop me from living.  If you are tired of living with a label and you are asking for advice, please do yourself a favor and HELP YOURSELF.  You are the lead in your life.  You are.  But when you ask for advice, if you truly need help, then take it.  And that my friends is my lesson for today.

Help yourself

Author’s note:  This was written when I was still in immense pain, 2014.  I clawed my way out of that place, and went to yoga.  Became a certified yoga teacher after 200 hours of Vinyasa training and then was certified in sport nutrition.  I took that knowledge of pain, autoimmune and the body and developed a healthy program for you to start.  It is called 4 Weeks to Wellness because it truly gives you everything you need to continue a healthy lifestyle in just 4 Weeks!

Shame on you…

So I got told once in a private message.  SHAME on me.  Shame on me.  The problem was, I didn’t feel shame.  She did.  She was projecting her shame or what action she felt should be shameful on me.  Hmm.  Let me break it down for you.  Remember when I talked about vulnerability last year?  If not, see this post on Daring greatly.  There are people I used to know who were very very afraid of the truth.  They were afraid of being vulnerable.  They were afraid of letting others see who they truly were.  And they have perfected the art of being “normal” so much so that I could not have a conversation with them.  All but one.  One of them, I thought, could be honest with herself.  Because in the end, that’s what it was about.  Honesty on a level so deep that the only other being who knows this is God.  Because really, do you think you are fooling Him?  You aren’t.

I absolutely loved it when Brené Brown said she had the worst “vulnerability hangover” ever after telling a crowd of 500 people at the TED convention that she had a breakdown.  She said she didn’t come out of her house for 3 days.  When she gets up and talks about Listening to shame, she says this TED is like the failure conference. No, it is. You know why this place is amazing? Because very few people here are afraid to fail. And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I’ve seen, has not failed. I’ve failed miserably, many times. I don’t think the world understands that because of shame.”  Amen sister.  Amen.

“Shame is I am bad.  Guilt is I did something bad.  How many of you if you did something that was hurtful to me would be willing to say I’m sorry I made a mistake?  Guilt.  Shame.  I’m sorry I AM a mistake.  There’s a huge difference between shame and guilt.”   She goes on to speak about how women and men feel shame differently.  “If we’re going to find our way back to each other we have to understand and know empathy.  Empathy’s the antidote to shame.  If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.  The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”  When she says that if we are going to find our way back to each other and that vulnerability is going to be that path, then I ask you, why put down the person who opens up to you?  Why judge?  Why condemn them for the telling you something that might have been hard to say?  Because you actually feel shame.  Not them.  You have more to hide than the person being vulnerable.

shame

 

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New things…

As this year comes to a close, I reflect on the “new” and would personally like to burn the “old”.  Oh not old friendships or anything like that, but I chose not to dwell in the past as it’s over and we have to take this minute by the hand and hold on for dear life before something tragic happens and the moment is gone.  There have been some horrible things happening in and around my friend’s lives this year and I let it get to me at times.  I have said this before, but when something happens, I actually place myself in that person’s shoes for a minute.  I zone out, and become them for a second.  I imagine what it must feel like to get the news they just heard, or to go through whatever they are going through.  I have tried to stop this process…much like that new movie that is coming out based on an old short story called The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

So far, I have not been very successful.  There was cancer news, deaths of family members and friends, deaths of pets, depression, divorce, loss of homes, illnesses that tear you a part from the inside out, injuries, debt, and the suicide of a high school friend.  I am sure I am forgetting some bad news, but that is why I say I would like to burn the old.  I have held on to my hope as best I could for this year, but another sad thing happened to my brother’s friend on Christmas day.

What I am doing now is pushing through all of that and focusing on my new goals.  Making new friends with the same goals makes my work easier.  Realizing that I know what I want, on the cusp of what will be year 40, yes, that year, does not scare me (getting asked for my ID might help me be less scared, ha).  So I’m going to tell you what I said to my daughter the other day while pumping gas.  I said I want to be financially secure enough to hand out gift cards to people I don’t know, with no strings attached, so that they can buy whatever they need.  Groceries, presents, gas, or just pay doctor bills.  My work with people of poverty reminds me that we still have much to do for those who have fallen on hard times.  One day, I hope to be able to ease someone’s burden.  One day soon.

 

Author’s note:  It is now a few years later.  I gave out lots of different things to people this year in order to be of service to humanity.  I have also developed my own coaching programs to help others, and I am more financially secure than I have been in years.  My Head|Heart|Health Club is going to be taking a great journey this year to look at what we need to change, what we want to create and how we can create more abundance in our lives as well.  I would love to see you there!

Take Control

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New things…

As this year comes to a close, I reflect on the “new” and would personally like to burn the “old”.  Oh not old friendships or anything like that, but I chose not to dwell in the past as it’s over and we have to take this minute by the hand and hold on for dear life before something tragic happens and the moment is gone.  There have been some horrible things happening in and around my friend’s lives this year and I let it get to me at times.  I have said this before, but when something happens, I actually place myself in that person’s shoes for a minute.  I zone out, and become them for a second.  I imagine what it must feel like to get the news they just heard, or to go through whatever they are going through.  I have tried to stop this process…much like that new movie that is coming out based on an old short story called The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

So far, I have not been very successful.  There was cancer news, deaths of family members and friends, deaths of pets, depression, divorce, loss of homes, illnesses that tear you a part from the inside out, injuries, debt, and the suicide of a high school friend.  I am sure I am forgetting some bad news, but that is why I say I would like to burn the old.  I have held on to my hope as best I could for this year, but another sad thing happened to my brother’s friend on Christmas day.

What I am doing now is pushing through all of that and focusing on my new goals.  Making new friends with the same goals makes my work easier.  Realizing that I know what I want, on the cusp of what will be year 40, yes, that year, does not scare me (getting asked for my ID might help me be less scared, ha).  So I’m going to tell you what I said to my daughter the other day while pumping gas.  I said I want to be financially secure enough to hand out gift cards to people I don’t know, with no strings attached, so that they can buy whatever they need.  Groceries, presents, gas, or just pay doctor bills.  My work with people of poverty reminds me that we still have much to do for those who have fallen on hard times.  One day, I hope to be able to ease someone’s burden.  One day soon.

Take Control

Which one? Anxiety or depression…

I am not a doctor.  I am writing as a friend who has suffered from one or both of the above, so let me make that clear.  After the diagnosis of my last disease, Hashimoto’s, I was fine.  I knew I could be put on thyroid medicine and everything would be magically “solved”.  It wasn’t that easy…not by a long shot.  I started having severe food allergies and was in pain.  The link above shows you some of the symptoms of my newest disorder, but what I did not realize was that food allergies can also cause some of the same symptoms.

I had my first panic attack.  I thought perhaps I was having a heart attack…really.  After months of living with anxiety, I saw my first ever therapist.  She told me to read a book.  It was nice, it was, and it taught me about the value of “now” and how to practice breathing techniques.  I breathed.  I am still using those techniques and told my friend about them as she also suffers from anxiety.  We breathed together.  I looked up natural ways to help and finally, one night, my husband realized a medicine I was on for acid reflux was probably blocking my magnesium.  Here is another article about dealing with panic attacks.  It suggests using magnesium, vitamin B12, vitamin B1, and vitamin D.  I already knew my D was low from a few years prior.  I had never even thought about magnesium.

The therapist was asking me if I was depressed, and while I felt that way at times, I wasn’t sure that was the underlying problem.  I realized I wanted another explanation because I really felt like she wasn’t connecting the dots.  I began researching what happens when I ate certain foods, or when I didn’t eat on time because I was avoiding food.  I found this article here on 11 Natural Treatments for Depression.

I called my cousin.  We are very close, and I knew she went through this.  I wondered if there was something in our family that caused this kind of thing to come out, and then I remembered she had thyroid problems at one time too.  She was really sick as a child…maybe illness was the connection.  Around January of this year, I finally made a connection to improperly balanced hormones as well.  I have too much estrogen.  Definitely needed balancing.  I read about maca powder, and I’ll never forget the first time I bought it at a local health food store.  The woman said “What do you THINK that will do for you?”  It was not said nicely.  I told her exactly what it would do and how it would give me energy, balance my hormones (hopefully), and contained calcium, iron, magnesium and selenium as well as essential fatty acids and 19 amino acids.  Take that snooty lady.  I now order it online:)

So, I can’t be sure exactly what was going on I just knew I had to cover ALL my bases.  I knew over the course of 4 years, my body was trying to tell me what I needed, but at the time, I had no idea how to balance it out.  Do NOT lose hope.  Talk about it, and seek medical help if it is really bad.  My family probably wouldn’t want me sharing this, but meh.  I have lost distant cousins due to depression, and a great-grandfather.  I do not take it lightly.  I do not think I can handle it without help.  Bravo for stepping up and admitting you need help.  Please reach out.

Patience