Boundary Setting and the Empath.

Whew.  This week y’all.  In a few years, people might be reading this article and not know what the energy feels like right now, so let me explain it as best I can.  Many people are dipping heavily into a low-vibration right now around the world.  This is based on true scientific evidence, but for more information read my linked post.  Basically, we shouldn’t feel guilty for the low-vibration energy or negative vibes we feel coming our way right now, but we have to recognize the signs and start putting firm boundaries in place today!

If you are sensitive to other energies, feel like there are times you can actually put yourself in someone’s shoes and feel their pain, you might be an empath.

Empaths have a hard time saying no to people and situations because they want to help and don’t like to cause hurt feelings.  This is a very real thing that starts to drain the empath over time until they just have nothing left to give their own health and wellness.  Sometimes, it takes an entire year to recover from being depleted.

How can boundary setting help?

Setting clear boundaries can protect your own energy and thus keep you from becoming completely wiped out.  It is very essential!!

What can I do to set clear boundaries?

  1. The first thing that I always go to, is of course, my goal setting and intentions.  How do I want to feel after a day?  A week?  A month?  What do I have left to give other people?  If you have to, imagine it like your energy batteries.  When they are completely drained, how long will you last?
  2. When you are out, do you just HAVE to answer that call, text or message from that one friend?  What happens if you don’t?  How do you feel when you say, I can’t talk right now.  I am busy, but will get back to you later.  Do you feel okay?  Do they act weird??  If they act like it’s the worst thing in the world to wait, keep doing it and watch for signs.  Repeated pushing of your boundaries needs to be addressed.  Pronto.
  3. Notice where you put your attention.  Pause before you answer that message.  If you are at work and someone asks you to do something to help them before you are finished with what you already have on your plate, notice how you feel.  Pause and reflect.  Are you giving off the message that you drop your work to help others therefore creating this open invitation?  What happens when you pause and say, I don’t have time right now, but ask me tomorrow.
  4. Make a list of your self-care needs.  If you say “What is self-care?”…you might need to make a list.  Also, you can open the linked post:)
  5. Figure out who tries to cross the line…repeatedly.  This is usually the person who goes right into their story as soon as you answer the phone or message.  I am not talking about your best-friend who needs advice occasionally, nope.  I am talking about the person who needs you all the time.  24/7 and the story is probably the same exact one.  They are using the narcissistic friend cycle of guilt on you.  Every time you think you have helped, the next day they come back again.  It’s the same thing week after week.  Whew.  It drains you repeatedly.

I hope these tips help you and feel free to come on board the Head|Heart|Health Club where will be practicing safe boundaries all month-long and diving deep into our own worth. <<< Click the linked word for more.  We are releasing guilt, shame, and unworthy feelings by learning how to step into our own power by creating new habits that really support our lifelong journey in our heads, hearts and health.

Want more tips?  Check out the Empath’s Guide to Journaling.

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“Everybody” is going…

But Mooooom, everybody will be there.  That’s nice dear.  Grumpy look from under the hair.  I don’t like it when I get my feelings hurt because everybody is talking about how much fun they had.  Look, it’s time you realize something.  There is no one you have to impress but yourself.  It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing, we have a prior obligation.  You know what that means.  We have a responsibility.  Sometimes, you just don’t get to do what you want to do.

I am reminded, yet again, of the research that Search Institute started when it released the 40 Developmental Assets your child needs by the time they enter college.  We need to work to expand those assets in young people, but the truth is, most people find it difficult to give clear and concise boundaries.  The research breaks it down for you and explains what your child needs at each age grouping.  On the left side of this website, it shows you in a drop down menu.

I was checking the one for my children, ages 8-12, just as a reference, and I think we have the external assets covered.  The internal assets are where I think my child occasionally struggles; however, I know that if I have set up the right amount of external influences in a positive way, my child will gain confidence internally.  Does this make sense?  So, to make a long story short, it is okay to say no.  It is okay to set boundaries.  It is okay to ask your child questions about their day, each and every day, and help them on the road to success.  It is not okay to make excuses for them.  Help them learn the right way, and by the time high school peer pressure comes around, you will know you have done the best you can.  But keep asking those questions, and setting those boundaries.  Good job parents.

“Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures.”  ~Edwin Louis Cole

More “No”vember…

After I wrote my post last night, I decided to stick with this theme for the month.  I thought of at least 30 things I could say “no” to in some way, shape or form.  So, I’ll start with this clip:

“Just get rid of the crappy stuff, and focus on the good stuff.”  This is a profound statement and it applies to everything you do in life.  Wow.  Just think about your wardrobe for a second.  Seriously.  You try something on for the hundredth time.  It doesn’t look right, or it ah shrunk in your closet.  Are you going to wear it?  No.  Are you going to keep it?  The answer needs to be no.  Let’s focus on your decorating.  You look around your house and realize you have collected far more “things” than you need.  Do you love it?  No.  Are they making your house look better?  No.  Time to get rid of the “crappy stuff” and focus on the good stuff.

Too often I will save something because it was my grandmother’s or given to me by someone who is no longer around.  I’m not talking about heirlooms, I am talking about “stuff”.  Christmas decorations, linens, knick-knacks that have no real meaning except for the fact that I feel guilty because of the love I have for that person.  I finally realized that the old table I was holding on to just because it was my grandmother’s really could go if I decided it was time.  I need to focus on the good stuff…not the guilt.  Seriously, it will be okay.

Traditions that are not your own.  You know you have them in your family.  Why are you continuing to go if you don’t want to.  Say no thank you this year and branch out.  It will be okay (unless they write you out of the will) and start something fresh.  Something good of your own.  I know you were tired of that congealed salad with nuts anyway…ahem.  She said to no one in particular.  Anywho, go forth and focus on the good stuff.  The rest will follow your lead.

“A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.”  ~Mahatma Gandhi

Saying no…

I already had this idea in my head when I checked my mail…NaBloPoMo say what?  Ohhh, National Blog Posting Month.  Okay, not a problem.  Challenge accepted.  So here I go.   The first post of the month is going to be about how to say no.  Ha.  It is NOvember after all.

I just want you to take a moment and imagine this scenario (wavy lines appear)…you go into your boss’s office at work.  You politely tell her that you have been working really hard lately and the bottom line is, you deserve a raise.  She looks at you and nods her head, and says “Yes, you are right.  I wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings by turning you down, so of course you can have one.”  Poof.  Now back to reality.  On what planet does this EVER happen?  Not the one I live on for sure.

I know people who are always doing things for others.  They have big hearts and even bigger plates.  The normal sized plate might be half-full or maybe you have eaten your favorite things first and saved your least favorite items for last.  These wonderful people keep filling their plate full and never see what the bottom looks like.  They might be afraid to tell people “No, I really can’t find time for that right now.”  But as my friend kept saying this weekend, YOLO baby.  You Only Live Once.  I think I will now begin to apply that to everything I do in life.  It makes perfect sense.

My problem begins with pushy people.  You know the ones.  You have tried to say no in a polite way, but for whatever reason, they just keep asking you the same question.  It might be a relative of some sort.  Ahem.  Not saying, but if it were, I might begin to screen my calls.  This person knows that I have overcome some health issues and might call me on the premise of checking on me, but somehow turns it around to what they want.  Every. Single. Time.  Guilt sets in.  Frustration.  Wanting to do what is right.  And after I have ultimately caved in, they leave me alone until the next favor.  NO MORE.  YOLO baby.  I am going to say no…or just ignore you and hope you go away.

I decided to stop being nice.  I can’t afford to make rookie mistakes like starting with an apology…oh no.  That is a sign of weakness and Ms. Pushy will go in for the kill.  Do not apologize.  You are just as important as whatever it is Ms. Pushy wants you to do.  Your time is valuable as well, and you better start believing it or you will look back and wonder where your time has gone.  People make excuses all the time.  Do you think Ms. Pushy thinks about you when she isn’t busy asking you for favors?  Nope.  Not a bit.  I have actually cut someone out of my life by doing this, but they haven’t seemed to notice.  My guess is they moved on to the next person who will listen to stories about how they are the center of the universe and arrange their calendars around what they want to do.  Good for them.  YOLO baby.

So, for NOvember, you have one goal.  Practice saying no if this post applies to you.  Go forth, and say no.

“Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”  ~Robert Frost