When An Empath Loves A Narcissist: The Lure Of The Broken Soul

empath loves a narcissistGuest post by Steve Waller

When An Empath Loves A Narcissist: The Lure Of The Broken Soul

They occupy opposite ends of the love spectrum, but empaths and narcissists often find themselves coupled up in unlikely relationships. But why? What is it that attracts one to the other?

This article will focus mainly on why empaths find themselves pulled towards narcissists, how they get trapped, and what they have to do to escape.

What The Empath Sees

Gifted with the ability to sense the underlying emotions and feelings of others, an empath is uniquely placed to see into the depths of a narcissist’s being to the wounded, unhappy soul that resides there.

Upon discovering this pained creature, the instinctual response of the empath is to try to help, heal, and love them.

Before they know it, they become entangled with this narcissist and the toxic relationship begins.

How They Get Sucked In

Narcissists can, when required, display copious amounts of charm and charisma. You might think that empaths would be less susceptible to this artificial persona, but it is precisely because they are beings of love that they wish to see the best in everyone.

They can sense the pain that is hidden behind the smile and the wit, while, at the same time, believing that this act is some sort of suppressed character trying to assert control. They think that they can help free it through their care and affection.

They envisage a time in the future when this narcissistic individual can become a changed person, cured of all their bad traits and free from pain. Once they believe in this possibility, they feel compelled to try to make it a reality.

What Stops Them Leaving

It won’t be too long before an empath begins to regret their decision to get involved with the narcissist. The person they initially fall for will quickly disappear, revealing the true nature of the beast.

The empath will shower love and kindness on the narcissist – to the point where it turns into adoration – in an attempt to purge the pain from them and soothe their damaged spirit.

But to the narcissist, this sort of attention is like a drug; they simply can’t get enough of it. And unfortunately for the empath, it only serves to reinforce the egoistic self-adulation.

Then comes the game playing and manipulation. To maintain their air of superiority, a narcissist will seek to control every situation involving their empath partner. They will use destructive and demeaning language to tear them apart, piece by piece, until they can exert their utter dominance.

In spite of all their good intentions, the empath will find themselves in a trap; one of loving a person who is incapable of caring for them, let alone showing love back.

But they aren’t yet aware of this trap; they continue to seek the narcissist’s affection in a vain attempt to mend the broken heart they see before them. They struggle to understand what is happening to them because, from their position, the behavior of their partner is utterly incomprehensible.

What happens next is quite possibly the most damaging aspect of the whole process: the empath looks at all of the pain and trauma now filling their life and pins the blame squarely on themselves.

Rather than accept that the narcissist is the cause of all their misery like they should, they insist that it is they who have failed. They wrongly believe that all the conflict and resentment in the relationship is their fault; that they somehow didn’t try hard enough to rid their lover of the pain they endure.

From this self-blame grows an unwillingness to do what is required; to break up with their narcissist partner. They proceed to lock themselves in their own prison by forfeiting their right to be happy. They insist that to do so would only heap more misery on the already tormented soul they have such affection for.

How They Finally Break Free

There is only one method of escape for the empath and that is to fully open their eyes to the situation they are in. In order to make a break for freedom, they must first understand that the original lure of the narcissist was misguided.

They must realize that it is nobody’s duty to fix another; that they have no responsibility to stay with their partner any longer. They must accept that whether the narcissist will ever change is not something they have any say in; they can only captain their own ship and it’s time to choose a different course.

This will not, by any means, be the last they hear from the narcissist. In an all-out bid to regain what they see as a possession, they will declare their undying love for the empath, swear they have changed, and make many promises that they know they cannot keep.

They will turn the charm back on and, for a while, the empath may see some of what they initially found so appealing. But if the empath can hold their nerve during this period, the narcissist will eventually unleash a barrage of malicious words and actions in a desperate attempt to pull their victim back in. This can be extremely difficult to endure and it can seem like the whole world is crashing down around you, but you must hold firm.

Leaving a narcissist isn’t the end of the story for the empath; it will take a long time for them to put the pieces of their life back together and even longer to regain their faith in the goodness of other people. But they will have broken the bond that so often draws empaths and narcissists together.

Are you an empath who has been through such a trial? Leave a comment below and share you thoughts and experiences.

Want more help as an Empath?  >> Workbook for your Soul <<

Just for fun, take this quick quiz.

Steve WallerSteve Waller is the founder of A Conscious Rethink – a growing voice in the world of mind, body and spirit. He has benefitted greatly from self-help books and other aspects of the personal development movement, and now wants to share some of his knowledge and wisdom with those who need it. His Facebook page reaches millions of people each week with its mix of inspirational quotes, motivational videos, and helpful articles.

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The Law of Pure Potentiality…

I need to clear up some common misconceptions.  Yoga is a practice.  Not a religion.  Just like how Buddhism is a way of life…a practice or philosophy.  If you come from another religion or way of life can you take these philosophies with you back to your religion or way of life?  Yes.  But people fear what they do not know or understand.  So they are afraid to go deeper into the world of “stillness”.  Therein lies the problem.  At the beginning of my yoga practice yesterday, the teacher said “Be still, and know that I am God.”  When we are practicing our stillness…or just being, we are closer to who we are really meant to be.

This is where Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success come into my practice.  One of the absolute hardest steps for me to apply to my life is to take time each day just being silent.  Some people who know me are laughing…my parents I’m sure.  But what this really means is that I have to work at just being.  That seems like such a small thing…to just be.  To sit alone in silent meditation actually means that you clear your mind.  As thoughts come and go you focus on the moments between the thoughts.  Not the thought itself.  Pretty soon you are focusing on those in between moments for even longer and one day, you will come to realize that your thoughts have finally stilled.

And therein lies my problem.  One thought produces one more like it, then it spirals, and so on and so forth.  So I am working on this ability to carry stillness with me.  Chopra writes “Through silence, through meditation, and through non-judgement, you will access the first law, the Law of Pure Potentiality.”  Many times people say “Oh I’m not judging…but blah, blah, blah.”  If you have to say you are not judging, here’s a hint, you might be.  But that’s okay for now.  Work on letting that thought go and focusing on something positive you learned from that situation.  If your mind is constantly on re-wind and you are judge, jury and executioner of your thoughts and you can’t let the negative go from a situation, you need meditation in your life.  You know it costs less than therapy…it does.

Here is an introduction for you to watch:

problem

 

Motivational Monday…

So I published this quote this morning and got to thinking about it:

Broader ShouldersWell, the truth is, I would not be sad if things lightened up.  If things did get easier every once in a while.  It is difficult for me to think about the past because I wish I had realized how good things were.  That being said, I don’t dwell there.  I move forward.  Sure, I’ve spent a few months being sad and angry about things that were out of my control.  It is a necessary part of healing.  Everyone, and I do mean everyone, is entitled to that.  I realized today that while everyone is entitled to that process, not everyone understands it.  Another friend of mine is going through that process right now, and I wish her broad shoulders.

Motivational Monday…

Psst.  Hey you over there.  The one in your pajamas.  Yeah, that’s right.  You.  Did you have a hard day at work?  Does it make you feel better to immediately get out of your constricting work clothes.  Did you make your hot tea yet?  Are you still grinding your teeth?  Stop.  I have good news for you.  You are home now.  The bad news is that you have to go back tomorrow.  Ha.  Since you do, I have a few thoughts for you.

Were you excellent in everything you did today?  No.  Try harder tomorrow.  That’s right.  Today is over, but tomorrow is a fresh start.  Do NOT revisit the mistakes of today.  Vow to work smarter.  “The secret of joy in work is contained in one word – excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it.”  ~Pearl Buck

Did you concentrate on your strengths today?  No.  Point out what was wrong with everything?  Talk about the problems without offering real solutions.  Hmm.  Why don’t you focus on what went right and what you can do to change things.  “Concentrate on your strengths, instead of your weaknesses… on your powers, instead of your problems.” ~Paul J. Meyer

If you did run into a problem, did you give up?  Did you say “I don’t make a difference.  My voice is not enough to change this.”  I have news for you.  It is.  Please stop expecting other people to solve your problems, fix your mistakes, or do your job for you.  I work just as hard as you do, but I can’t be the only one to make a difference.  “All of the great leaders have had one characteristic in common: it was the willingness to confront unequivocally the major anxiety of their people in their time. This, and not much else, is the essence of leadership.” ~John Kenneth Galbraith

If you expect everyone else to solve the problems you were hired to deal with, you will not find success at your current job.

“The great successful men of the world have used their imagination.  They think ahead and create their mental picture in all its details, filling in here, adding a little there, altering this a bit and that a bit, but steadily building – steadily building.”~Robert Collier

The root of the problem…

Life does not apologize for its mishaps. 

It never asks you if it is a convenient time for your car to break down, your air to go out, or the motorcycle cop to jump out and give you a ticket when clearly you were just trying to get down the road to be somewhere.  However, the paths that twist and turn often lead you to where you are supposed to be.  I stand by that.

The recent sad stories on the news upset many people everywhere.  However, now they are calling for legislation to help prevent things like that from happening again.  I am not going to get into the particulars, but I believe that karma will come back around for certain people.  You cannot focus on the why and the how after bad things happen.  It is not going to change anything.  You have to focus on what you are going to do next.  It is easier said than done, yes I know this.

If you are like me, you might replay dumb things you have done in your head.  Does that make it any better?  Does that change what happened?  Nope.  You have to put one foot in front of the other and forge a new direction.  Let’s say you have a problem right now.  I want you to get a journal and write about the problem.  When you are done, put the word at the top of the next page.  Then I want you to brainstorm ways to fix the problem or at least navigate through it.  For example, money.  I have a need for more right now.  I always donate my things to charity, but right now, there are consignment shops all over.  It’s not a great deal of money, but it might help me get credit at these stores for when I need to purchase more clothes for my ever-growing children.

Lastly, this brings me back to my original point.  We need a whole new air conditioner for our house including duct work.  We also have to pay for a bunch of other random things that are going to start adding up, and then I will be back to square one again.  Where is the money coming from?  I am far too old to pole dance, or at least I think so, as I might fly off into the crowd and that would cause further problems, so I am trying to brainstorm other ideas.  However, if this hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t know that there is some black mold in our air conditioner, so I guess it could be a blessing in disguise that we need to replace it.

“So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?”

  ~Ayn Rand

Merry-go-round

It’s always been done this way.  These six words make me cringe when someone uses them as an excuse.  They are usually in reference to something the other person does not want to do differently and has no valid reason why they won’t accept new ideas on the subject.  I hear these words often at work.  My next question is always the same…why is it done this way?  What reasons can you give me that make this way better than any other ideas out there.  If someone tells me I have to do something a certain way, as long as they can prove their point, I will admit that their point has merit.

Some people might call it being stubborn, but I don’t look at it that way.  Albert Einstein said “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”  I don’t like to put a band-aid on a wound that needs stitches.  It seems pointless to me.  Let’s take a deeper look at what’s wrong, and fix it.  I like to mark things off of my “to-do” list.  I don’t want to see the same set of problems come back around over and over again like they are on a merry-go-round.  It’s time to get off and take a look around.  I just wish I knew why some people are so afraid to get off the ride.

My hope for the next work year is that new ideas are looked at with fresh eyes and I don’t hear the same thing I always hear.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

~Albert Einstein