Are You Keeping it Alight?

Are You Keeping It Alight?

Guest post

You know that situation, the one that feels uncomfortable, the one you’d love to disappear?

It may be hard to hear this, but it could be YOU that’s keeping it alight!

I come across lots of situations like this, and my favourite way to explain them is to liken them to beautiful, roaring campfire.

Continue to add logs to the dancing orange flames, fuel it with attention and the fire will keep raging.  Stop adding fuel to the fire and it will fizzle out. Without energy and attention, the fire will naturally come to an end.

So let’s go back to the situation that’s making you feel super uncomfortable – are you adding fuel to it?  Now you’re aware that putting time, energy and attention into something, anything, makes it continue to thrive, do you think it might be time to stop adding the logs?

We don’t mean to fuel these negative situations or circumstances.  And most of the time we aren’t actively seeking out drama, it simply comes knocking at our door, and often brings out the worst in us.

You know that saying, “ah, well, they couldn’t let it lie”? That usually comes after a situation has escalated out of control, because people have kept on popping energy and attention into it.

 

So how can we let the fire fizzle out?

#1        Detachment

Sometimes the very best way to protect ourselves is to detach from these situations.  Remove the energy and attention.  After all, our energy is a precious commodity.  We need to use it wisely!

#2        Raise Our Awareness

Instead of attaching our thoughts and efforts to negative and angsty situations (which will draw in more of the same) it’s better to raise our awareness. If we can catch ourselves in this downward spiral before it gets out of hand, we won’t get lost in the flames.

#3        Apply Some Momentum

We need to focus on how we can move forward, and avoid being sucked in by the drama. Without positive momentum, the negativity will seep its way into all aspects of our lives.

#4        Focus on Positivity

Once our momentum’s up and running, we can look at the bigger picture from a different place.  We can see more objectively and appreciate how that situation could have depleted our energy, had we not made a conscious choice to rise above it and use it more productively.

#5        Channel Your Energy in a Way That Serves You Best

What have you been neglecting to fuel lately? Are there things you’d love to do? This is where your logs (energy, time and attention) are best spent.

It’s time to step out of the drama and make a choice as to where the logs need to be placed.  Choose your fire wisely and it will serve you well.

 

 

 

Emma Holmes is CEO & Founder of Coaching Rockstars – best described as a ‘hatchery’ for entrepreneurs with soul!

Coaching Rockstars helps heart-centred and soulful entrepreneurs to build big businesses without the icky, pushy tactics that come with most strategy and advice.www.coachingrockstars.com

5 Ways to Strengthen Your Energy Right Now!

Like a battery, you feel completely drained.  Depending on what’s going on around you, you feel like you haven’t the energy you once possessed.  Could you be getting sick?  It’s possible.  But I want you to take a look at a few things first.

Have you ever noticed that being in the presence of someone truly and miraculously seems to lift you up?  After spending time with that person, you come home humming, or want to do things you might normally not even think about doing?  Just think for a moment if there is such a person like this who is your lift force.  I have spoken about this before during my talks and written about it before, but if you have your journal, you can even take a page and think for a moment about all the supportive people you have around you.

Likewise, we are now going to draw our attention to something that energetically feels so draining that we can’t wait to escape their presence.  The drag force.  When I speak of this during my talks, I actually have to roll my shoulders as my back gets tight.

There was once a time I felt well, except that I constantly felt drained by someone’s presence.  I would go to work happy and content, and then this person would tell me every one of her problems…repeatedly.  There was never a solution that worked or a way out…or so it seemed. How did I find a way out of the draining cycle?

5 Ways to Strengthen Your Energy:

  1. It sounds like a cliché, I know, but your vibe really does attract your tribe.  Yogananda called this phenomenon “the law of invisible vibratory exchange.”  It is vitally important that you understand this principle to be true as you start building up your “lift force” around you.  Make your list in your private journal of who really lifts you up.  Once you become aware of the energy, you can start to see a pattern where you have dips or energy loss after being near someone who is more of a drag force, or negative influence on you.  ** See the note at the end!
  2. It is important that if you have to come in contact with a negative force, you get grounded before and after the visit.  As you center your thoughts, you can imagine being protected as you come in contact with that person.  Read more on the above link as well, but make sure that you keep your contact to as short a time as possible.  What happens if you live with a negative force?  Enroll in yoga, meditation, or a group activity where the people around you have a like-minded goal.  There is more under my Head|Heart|Health tab for an online community as well where keeping our heads clear and our hearts on how we want to feel is the end goal to overall wellness.
  3. Listen to music that moves your soul and uplifts your heart.  On one of my other talks, I showed the difference between me normally when I come on the FB Live show, and me after listening to the Bee Gees.  <<< yes.  I love to sing with them.  But seriously, think about the song “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys.  Ever thought about it?  It really does raise your vibration with the right tune.
  4. Be conscious of what you put in your body.  During my 4 Weeks to Wellness class, I talk about nutrition and the effects of sugar on the body.  I know people are going to be coming after me when I take away their sweets, but that’s why I train you to look for the hidden ingredients and do it for yourself.  This has to be done on your own time and it has to be something you want in order to move forward and feel better.
  5. Know how you want to feel.  Again, this one might sound simple, but do you know how you want to feel each day?  What are your weekly goals and how are you working to create a life that is working FOR you…not against you.  With a few small tweaks to your everyday routine, you can learn to block the energy of others by focusing more on what you want each day.  Getting clear on your thoughts before coming in contact with someone who might try to dis-rail your progress is imperative in strengthening your energy.

Do you need more uplifting folks in your life?  Come find us at any time!  >>> I need to raise my energy! <<<

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How to Release Old Patterns of Thought

Time to changeIt is the first day of autumn officially where I live.  For me, this time always reflects change.  Letting go of things.  Making room for growth.  All before the end of the year.  I know that I have lofty goals, but there’s something about watching the trees shed their leaves that really reminds me of the work I have to do on the inside to stay healthy on the outside as well.

In order to find balance, we have to be ready to do the work.  We have been holding onto fears, worries and troubles from our past for far too long.

You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, ‘I release the need for this in my life’. ~Wayne Dyer

I have done quiet a bit of research on pain…both physical and mental pain.  I know that we carry quite a bit of pain around with us from past experiences if we have not yet released it and let it go.  This is evidenced by the fact that when preparing to speak on something once, I could not get through a certain part.  Everything else I could practice just fine, but this one part always got stuck in my throat and my eyes welled up with tears.  It was time for me to be okay with that part of my story.

How did I start releasing what was not serving me?

The first step was to continue speaking it out loud.  You don’t have to tell a room full of people; however, a trusted friend, therapist or counselor will work.  I had to put a name to the emotion I was feeling and that feeling was still grief.  After all these years.  It was time to let go just a little, and step into healing.  So as you begin to let go of this feeling, remember that whatever it was meant to teach you at the time, is long gone by now and we don’t have to stay in that place forever.

The second step for me is to write it down.  It can be in your journal, or as a letter to the universe.  It can be a prayer, or it can be on slips of paper you burn.  Whatever you feel called to do, but write the truth.  I know someone who once said to me that this was the hardest part of her healing journey.  So close your eyes and think of the people, events, setting, or whatever it is that you are trying to release.  Write down the feelings that are caught up in this thing.  Then let it go.  Don’t think on it any longer after you have gotten it out.  If you are afraid you will dwell on it, burn it!  You know, in a safe way that doesn’t catch anything on fire.

The last step is wiping the slate clean.  A nice clean chalkboard.  As a teacher, I would make sure there was not a hint of old chalk from yesterday as I wrote the next day’s lesson on the board.  I loved a clean board.  Visualize that whatever pain you had is truly released and washed away.  Here is where I want to point out that if you are blaming others for something, let it go.

My lesson is on releasing the people who I have clearly seen lying.  Apparently, I am really supposed to let this one go.  I learned people are definitely covering up for something when they lie, but it has nothing to do with me.  I decided to shift my perspective to one of gratitude.  I am thankful I don’t have to lie about who I am to feel satisfied in my life.  I am thankful I don’t have to lie to my husband, or my friends to feel liked.  I see no purpose in it, but clearly it is a defense mechanism for others.

By transforming old patterns of my mind, and bringing my attention to the present moment, I am letting go of things I don’t want to carry forward with me into the next season.

End Your Day With Mindfulness

This one is actually quite difficult for most people to do, but put the phones away.  Turn them off.  Hide them if you must.  Sit at the table and practice eating mindfully.  As we connect to slowing down from our day, take a moment to notice the food.  The taste.  The color.  The time it took to prepare.  Be present as you sit and eat; furthermore, see if you can engage the senses as you bite, smell, and savor the taste.  Be present in your thoughts as you end the day.  Let go of anything you don’t want to take with you for the next day.  Continue this practice daily and you will see an improvement in your mood as well.

release_leavesWant more ideas right where you can reach them?  See the Work With Me tab.

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How to Protect Yourself From Negative Energy.

Protect Yourself

My last post had lots of people asking me questions on the fan page for my blog!  I know that I have personally been on a journey to gather back my energy from the places it is currently residing.  I decided to share the tips with you that I have collected so far on how I protect myself from negative energy.

How to Protect Yourself From Negative Energy:

  1. I have to say journaling is my number one protection.  I know that sounds funny, but my friends ask me for advice on what it is that I do that helps me so much, and I JUST created an e-book for you guys to use.  The above word is linked to a similar journal I use, but start writing how you feel when negative energy enters your space.  Then, imagine yourself blocking that negative energy and only allowing good vibes in.
  2. Turn on your Himalayan Salt Lamp as you meditate or journal to recharge your batteries.  It is detoxifying as well, so I also have to soak in the tub with the salt crystals so not only do I get the pure air from my lamp, but I recharge from inside as well.
  3. Distance yourself from the source as best you can.  If you have to go back into their proximity, excuse yourself to a restroom and spray this around you.  It’s not the exact one I have, but it will work to calm and center you and clear the negativity from around you.  Especially if you are getting a headache.
  4. As soon as you get home, start your aromatherapy routine.  If you don’t have one, you can try using a diffuser with oils such as this blend called “Uplift”.
  5. If someone is complaining, turn up some music!!  Seriously, be like listen, this is my jam.  And look at what I just found for your night routine!!  I actually have not used this, but am excited it came up in my search.  Seriously let me know what you think, but Chronic Fatigue CD.

If you are really out of ideas and are right there without shielding options or recharging options, use visualization.  You can center yourself by concentrating on your breath. Keep exhaling negativity, inhaling calm. This helps to ground you and purify difficult emotions that are trying to enter your space. Visualize negativity as a fog lifting from your body, and hope as warm light entering.  Always remember that the fastest way is to leave the situation if at all possible.

protect yourselfP.S. Do you need more support?  Here is the perfect place for you!  Head|Heart|Health Club now open.

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5 Signs of an Energy Vampire in Your Midst

After getting off the phone with a friend, you suddenly feel a headache coming on. You are absolutely drained and have nothing left, so you go to eat food thinking that is the problem. You start to eat mindlessly ruminating over the problems in your friend’s life and how to fix them or help the friend. That’s when it hits you. These aren’t your problems and this always happens after speaking to this person.

Here’s the most interesting thing about Energy Vampires…they don’t think that burdening you over and over is wrong. They see nothing abnormal in their behavior. These people started to form these habits long before you ever came into the picture and will continue with their ways long after you are gone. Sometimes they can be alcoholics, verbally abusive, or perhaps even children who didn’t feel nurtured and grew up to continue the pattern.female-vampire

5 Signs of an Energy Vampire in Your Midst

1. People who are depressed, sad, or needy almost all of the time. I am not talking about full on depression, I am talking about people who tell you they are sad, but never do anything to help their situation. They seem to be a victim of everything. They are not interested in solutions, but want to exhaust you over and over again with the same sad story. You are probably already thinking about who this is. They are not hard to spot in your life. These types of people will never change as you must always be there for one crisis after another telling them it’s going to be okay. They have very low self-esteem and are insecure, so you must constantly build them up.
2. The one who blames and speaks negative. This one has excuses for lots of things. The timing isn’t right and somehow you start to feel guilty because he blamed you. He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and he likes to bring you down to his level of thinking. He wants you to feel like what he did was somehow your fault. The only way to rise above this person is to raise your vibration and do the opposite of what he wants. However, sometimes this person can also disguise themselves as the next example.
3. The polite one. This person appears to have all their “shit” together. Appearances are very important to them. They want the whole world to think they are happy…but occasionally, you see through it. These people often blame others, avoid or ignore, procrastinate, and use ambiguous speech. The truth is, they are quite passive-aggressive and that behavior stems from their frustration of expressing themselves indirectly so that they don’t have to admit real feelings. They want to be like Switzerland in conflicts so that whatever side wins, they can say they were always on that side. They are often untruthful about any desire or emotion; therefore, this lack of honesty leads to relationship problems. Some of these types of energy vampires truly enjoy the game of frustrating people. Strong emotions make this person dishonest and you might feel conflicted in their presence as well. They are always at war with themselves, but want to appear like they have it together.
4. The drama queen. This one likes to stir up the pot and sit back and watch. You already know who this is in your life. These people don’t have anything exciting going on in their lives and perhaps you do. They want to mimic your positive energy by swirling up the chaos because that creates an energy that will distract them from their lives. Don’t engage. Back slowly away.
5. The green-eyed one. Here I am referring to the jealous energy drainer. These folks want what everyone else has. Their neighbors, their co-workers, the celebrities. They are always trying to get attention as well because they feel empty. They have something to prove…to all these people who might not notice them. If you encounter these guys, try to point out what they have and see what happens. Chances are it won’t matter to them because it’s never good enough.

The best defense you have against these types of people is your awareness. When they speak to you it is with the intention of bringing your vibrational energy down. If you can’t shift their energy, then you need to release it from your life for good.

drained signsNeed a supportive group of people to raise your energy?  Come join us!

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7 Strategies for Dealing with Toxic People

Guest Post by Leo Babauta

Are there people who constantly criticize you, tell you that you can’t do things, make you feel bad about yourself, even yell at you?

These are toxic people.

Dealing with them is never easy, but it’s such a difficult problem that it’s worth looking at some strategies you might consider.

I was reminded of this problem by a reader recently, who asked, “What if toxic people are my family? How do I shut them out? What if I can’t find the courage to rise above them?”

I have to confess, there aren’t any easy answers. I’ve used a number of strategies in my life, and I’ll share what I’ve tried:

  1. Practice self-compassion when you’re feeling bad. This is always my first step these days, as I’ve learned how useful this method is. Think about it: if you’re feeling bad because of someone else’s behavior, you might show your anger or irritation in your actions and words, and that only makes that person more likely to be toxic. Your bad feelings are not only horrible for you, but for the situation. So try this when you notice you’re feeling bad from someone else’s actions/words: turn inward and notice your feelings, instead of avoiding them. What do they feel like in your body? After a minute, try creating a feeling of love towards yourself. Wish yourself happiness, and an end to your suffering. Wish yourself a life of joy and peacefulness. This won’t magically cure the pain, but it’s a good place to start.
  2. Talk to other people. I’ve found that when I’m hurting, I often don’t want to admit it to other people, but then when I talk to someone about it, I inevitably feel better. So take the plunge and talk to someone. Share your feelings, ask for them to listen, maybe even give advice. The advice doesn’t matter so much as the connection and listening.
  3. Practice empathy and compassion. Try practicing the same compassion method towards the person who frustrates you. In your heart, wish them happiness. See that they’re also going through difficulties, like you are, and that’s why they act that way. Wish for an end to their suffering. Wish them a life of joy and ease.
  4. Talk to the toxic person. Once you start to feel more compassionate towards the other person, talk to them. Yes, they might not act in a compassionate and peaceful way towards you, but you can be the better person. You can see that they’re suffering in some way, and are acting inappropriately because of that suffering. Try connecting with them, sharing that you’re having a hard time, asking for their support. This might not always turn out well, but if you do it in a spirit of connection, they might be open to this discussion.
  5. Model the behavior you want to see. Often I get mad at other people for getting mad at me, and then I’m doing the same thing they are, behaving badly because they behaved badly. Even if I feel it’s their fault, my behavior escalates the situation. So I try to show how to deal with frustration, try to be compassionate with them, try to show a positive way of dealing with things. And often that can have a great effect, even if it’s not immediate.
  6. Find more positive friends. If all of this isn’t working, it helps to find other people who are more aligned with the way you want to live. People who are creative, entrepreneurial, self-sufficient, excited about things, positive, healthy, happy. Find them in your local running club, yoga or crossfit class, Toastmasters, volunteer organizations. Find them online in various positive communities. Take the plunge and reach out, develop relationships. Buy someone tea or coffee and start a friendship. One by one, nurture the relationships that have a positive influence in your life, and be a positive influence in theirs. I’ve done this in my life, and it’s made a huge difference.
  7. Cut them out. It’s a harsh thing, but when family members aren’t supportive of me, if they’re constantly critical and angry … and none of the above works … I will just stop seeing them as much. I’ll do my own thing. See other friends. That’s harder to do, of course, when they live with you, but even then you can go out for a run, take a hike and see nature, meditate, create. Don’t let the thinking about toxic people be the thing you focus on all day — put your mind in more peaceful, creative, positive places.

Toxic People

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Forgive yourself…

You only have to look at the skin on my fingers to realize I might, erm, have some anxiety.  I was reading this long train of comments some of my friends wrote and I realized how it helps to just get it out.  To name what is bothering us.  I have never once regretted a single blog post.  Not even if others read into it.  They own that, not me.  Before “judging” me, they didn’t call me up and say, hey, you know I was wondering about what this part here meant.  Nope.  They also have anxiety, fear, and self-doubt and they let those things control them instead of love.

I think part of the problem can be explained in this quote passage:  Perfectionists are natural ruminators. Julia Cameron writes about this in “The Artist’s Way”:

“Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop–an obsessive, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are writing or painting or making and to lose sight of the whole. Instead of creating freely and allowing errors to reveal themselves later as insights, we often get mired in getting the details right. We correct our originality into a uniformity that lacks passion and spontaneity.”  That can be found in this slide-show about 15 Ways to Stop Obsessing.

Some people, no matter how wrong they are, would rather sit there in their wrongness than accept any responsibility for what happens…because they want to have the last word, or get the “details” right so you can know what you have done wrong.  Unfortunately, after being programmed this way for most of our lives, it takes a strong person to admit they were wrong to begin with.

Lastly, I despise the word judge because we all do it.  There.  I said it.  We do.  Now is the part where you are thinking, I never judge, blah, blah, blah.  I have never, ever met a person who did not even accidentally make a statement without knowing all the facts.  But you are not your thoughts, and it’s okay.  Maybe your mind went there for a second, and maybe it is still there.  The second, minute, or even hour isn’t so bad.  It’s staying there that gets you in that loop.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive others.  Move forward.

forgive

 

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Divided we are weak…

Negativity divides nations, people, and friends.  The awesome Def Leppard and Taylor Swift have some thoughts on this right here:

 

Say no to division this month.  I know it will be hard for some of you to move forward without the “I told you so” attitude, but what is that accomplishing?  You have to ask yourself is that what you would want your child to practice?  Stop and think for just a minute about your words and ask yourself if they are kind.  If the answer is no, then by all means, don’t spread it around.  This applies not only to politics, but life as well.  You have one chance at this life.  Let’s move forward. YOLO baby.

“The point in history at which we stand is full of promise and danger. The world will either move forward toward unity and widely shared prosperity – or it will move apart.”  ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Don’t be like Eeyore…

Some 100 posts ago, I wrote about a book I read that slowly helped me to change the way I thought about things.  It was just a tiny book, but it had lots of positive sayings inside.  I called the post Acceptance, and spoke of ways to improve your life immediately.  So, back to today’s post.  I haven’t been out of the house in a few days, and I’m actually fine with that, but we go to the grocery store and I see a magazine that looks promising.  I never buy magazines and wait until I go to the salon (which is not often) and finally get my hair done before I read anything like a “beauty” magazine.  However, today I saw the cover of Women’s Health, and I thought, why not?  I need some “Sexy Abs & Butt!” and apparently I need to “Sizzle” in my skinny jeans.

Sooo, I start reading the letter from the editor right at the very front.  I absolutely love it when I find even more research that tells me what I have known all along.  Apparently, there is a book out called Six Weeks to Skinny Jeans and in it the author, Amy Cotta, tells us that the average person has about 60,000 thoughts a day (double that for people who can’t sleep without going over everything that happened that day…erm, not me of course), 80 percent which are negative.  Does this surprise me?  No, not really.  So three years ago, I took it upon myself to spread positivity to my friends and co-workers each day. I started a lunch bunch where we did not talk about work, but tried to talk about other things, and I miss all the folks who stopped by.  I still have a regular friend who attends, but my lunch is not at the same time anymore, and it is hard after two years to get used to that.

Anyway, I devised another plan, and started posting these quotes as my status on the book of face.  Many friends told me how wonderful they felt and that it was just what they needed.  They didn’t know that their words were just what I needed as well.  However, just like anything, you are always going to have one person be just awful.  This “friend” of mine posted something terrible after one of my particularly nice quotes and told me how horrible her life was at the moment.  Do you want to know what was horrible?  She lost her air conditioning and had to buy a new one.  Seriously.  Thanks for telling me to “shut up, I don’t want to hear this right now” and wallowing in your own ridiculous thoughts.  I cut that Eeyore loose.  Whew.

My advice to you, is that if you want to change what’s going on in your life, take a good hard look at the company you keep.  If you are surrounded by “Eeyores”, they are just going to bring you down.  So, thanks Women’s Health magazine for telling me to build spiritual muscle, be actively grateful, and pass the positivity along.  I am trying to do just that.

How funny is it that the perfect clip was out there?

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Everybody Feng shui tonight…

So, I can’t concentrate.  There’s a big surprise.  I was thinking about how we need to balance our lives or we will all go crazy.  Then I started singing “Everybody Feng shui tonight…”.  You know, like this:

I’ve had a hard couple of days.  I am trying to cleanse myself of negative emotions again.  The power of positive thinking can and does make a big difference.  So I started reading about “qi” which is pronounced “chee” in English.  Apparently this plays a big part in the practice of Feng shui and is seen as a movable positive or negative life force.  You might not get my humor, but usually I want to beat down the negative feelings with a Homey D. Clown sock.  So, apparently I harbor something called “Sha Chi” or attacking energy.  Hmmm…need to get rid of that.  I am striving for more “Sheng Chi” in my home and work environment which means good energy.  I don’t know anything at all about the placement of items or the colors I need to fix all of this in my life, but what I do know, is that if I practice good thinking techniques, I can help achieve this as an attitude. I certainly do not want to have any “Si Chi” or low, decaying energy around me.  You know what I am talking about because this can lead to depression or feelings of isolation.  No matter what you are going through, remember this, surround yourself with positive thoughts, people, and actions; rid yourself of the negative.  It will make a difference in your life, but you must keep doing it.  So everybody Feng shui tonight.

“A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life.”  ~James Allen