5 Ways Hurt People Project Their Feelings (and how you can cope)

5 Ways Hurt People Project Their FeelingsWhen people who are unhappy, have low self-esteem, and generally feel “damaged” inside hurt you, your first response is probably to hurt them right back.  I know that is my initial reaction as someone uses ugly, demeaning words against me in a pattern that is meant to make me feel bad.  The words they use over and over again, throughout the years of my life are meant to belittle me and make me feel guilt or shame.  They are in no way, shape, or form meant to uplift me, make me feel good about myself or build up my confidence.  They are said for one reason and one reason only.  To hurt me.

Once you recognize the pattern, it is time to find the trigger.  When does this happen to you?  Are you doing something particularly awful and foul or are you just trying to have a good time?  Chances are, you are enjoying yourself and having a good time.  That’s usually the trigger my friends.  The thing is, you have probably tried to speak to them about this type of thing before, and how you are just doing your best to be happy in your own skin, live your life, and teach others how to do the same, but they actually don’t care about your feelings.  It is quite evident in the repeated behavior pattern.

Hurt people hurt people. We are not being judgmental by separating ourselves from such people. But we should do so with compassion. Compassion is defined as a “keen awareness of the suffering of another coupled with a desire to see it relieved.” People hurt others as a result of their own inner strife and pain. Avoid the reactive response of believing they are bad; they already think so and are acting that way. They aren’t bad; they are damaged and they deserve compassion. Note that compassion is an internal process, an understanding of the painful and troubled road trod by another. It is not trying to change or fix that person.  ~Will Bowen

How in the hell do you separate yourself, with compassion mind you, from someone trying to hurt you?  That’s a tall order right there.  I have decided to narrow it down to 5 ways these people are projecting their feelings and give you a bit of advice around that behavior.

5 Ways Hurt People Project Their Feelings (and how you can cope):

  1. Hurt people take it out on those who are often closest to them.  Why?  There are lots of reasons, but the easiest answer here is because they think you will either let it slide (multiple times, even if you have asked them to stop) or because they think you will forgive them over and over again.  How do you cope?  Quite honestly, it’s easier to put space between you and build up stronger boundaries than to get them to ever admit when they are wrong.  Don’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen.  They are transferring either some rage they have onto you or feel jealous about something you have.  See it for what it is.  Take the pause here if you can.
  2. Hurt people see every word, or action, as something that was done TO them.  Not for them, not to help, but done to lash out through their narrow vision of pain haze.  Why?  They are not rational and think that everyone is “out to get them”.  Everything is a trap and meant to set them up in some way.  If you don’t answer the door fast enough, you might be avoiding them.  If you suggest they eat healthier, you might have just implied they are Jabba the Hutt.  If you say you like something they are wearing, that might have meant you don’t like how they look normally.  I can go on and on around this, but you are already nodding your head.  How do you cope?  You become a Mime.  Just kidding.  You’d probably mime the middle finger accidentally of course.  Resist the urge though.  Try very hard to put yourself in their shoes.  What do you know about their life right now?  What do you know about how they were raised?  Is there a reason for this type of distrust?  If we act as they do, it will only cause more pain in the end.  It takes massive strength to step back and remind yourself their actions and reactions are all about them.  Not about you at all.
  3. Hurt people often have no real life beyond the hurt.  Why?  They have alienated the people who once tried to help them.  They carry grudges so deep and so wide, that the Grand Canyon is jealous of them.  Remember Ebenezer Scrooge?  When his nephew tries to invite him over and then later he is peeking through with the Ghost of Christmas Present, but they are saying how they feel sorry for him.  It’s just like that.  Only this person presumably doesn’t have the ghosts to show them what the future will look like if they don’t stop pushing people away.  How do you cope?  Recognize that their reaction to pushing people away stems from preconceived notions they firmly believe as truth.  The mind has a funny way of remembering things.  You might extend the olive branch if they are dear to you and know that they will not change.  It is up to you to be the peace maker.
  4. Hurt people are always the ones who are the victim.  Why?  You have seen them never take responsibility for anything in their own lives over the many years of being around them.  They want short cuts, easy ways out, and no responsibility.  They know what they need to do, but they don’t really feel like it.  They are almost certain it is the responsibility of someone else to come save them from their mistakes.  How do you cope?  Don’t enable if you can.  To enable means that you give their thoughts power or you help them self-sabotage.  Simply say nothing if they say they “can’t” do something.  It’s better than agreeing with it.  I mean, to point out that Helen Keller earned a college degree, Stephen Hawking beat his life expectancy against ALS,  is still alive, and one of the world’s leading physicists, and my personal hero, Nick Vujicic, who was born without arms or legs, but later taught himself how to skateboard and surf, to point these things out would fall on deaf ears.  They rationalize their actions and their victim mentality until they decide, not us, that they are ready to change it.
  5. Hurt people don’t recognize your pain.  To say these people lack empathy is an understatement.  They simply fail to see that they are hurting you.  Why?   Any number of reasons, but they like to medicate themselves, drink excessively, or become addicted to false lives.  They don’t seem to be fully present as they continually hurt you.  How do you cope?  If you have read all this and you think it’s time to try to have the courageous conversation with them, you can.  If you have already had that conversation and the behavior is still going on, then you might want to meditate, do yoga, and surround yourself with others who lift you up after being in contact with these people.  When all else fails and you have tried your best, perhaps even going to therapy for you, not them, you get to decide if the contact is worth the pain it is causing you.  Their own self-loathing behavior is constantly being projected at you and your loved ones and it’s time for you to either make peace with the idea that you can’t change them…so give yourself lots of space.

The bottom line is that this is someone who is not at peace with themselves or their relationships.  They cause suffering because they aren’t able to cope with their own emotions.  Do they need therapy?  Yes.  But chances are, they are not going to do the work on themselves.  When we do the work on ourselves, our own inner work, we start to heal these deep wounds.  I know how hard this is my friends, and if you need support and want to work on your own “stuff”, come see me.  >> Learn more here <<

5 Ways Hurt People Project Their Feelings (and how you can cope)

 

The Red Flags of Passive-Aggressive Behavior and How to Deal.

Dealing with passive-aggressive folksIt’s lunch time and you try to avoid seeing anyone in the break room as you know what’s going on in there.  The sharks are circling and trying to get any bit of juicy gossip they can feast on…in order to draw more sharks in.

It’s possible you might not even be aware of what is happening as snide comments are masked, and you are left feeling like you were just complimented and insulted at the same time.  Maybe they even said “Relax.  I’m just kidding.” Like that takes away the sting of their hostility.  The truth is, it doesn’t.  They know that what they said was carefully crafted to hurt.  These people have spent years acting this way and to be honest, might have been raised in a home that used tactics in passive-aggressive warfare. 

Passive-aggressive behavior is actually masked in sarcasm, silent treatment, withholding praise, being critical yet complimentary at the same time, arriving late, procrastinating or avoiding responsibility altogether, and basically sugar-coating mean remarks and hostility.

You can be sure of one thing.  This is open hostility towards you. 

If you noticed any of the above red flags of passive-aggressive co-workers, friends, or even family, it might be hard to deal with.  As a matter of fact, you might just want to shut down, but that’s exactly what they are after so I am going to give you a few tips on how to handle this.

5 Ways to Deal with Passive-aggressive Folks:

  1. Name it for exactly what it is.  Do NOT let them make excuses for why they treat you this way.  “Oh you can’t take a joke.  I was only playing.”  In order to make you think it’s your fault.  The truth is, they can feel when their behavior is wrong.  If someone is using shaming tactics, being unreasonable, making you feel uncomfortable deliberately, trust me, they know.  This is a repeated pattern.
  2. Shore your boundaries.  You can’t change them; however, you can change how you interact with them and how much.  Notice where they hang out and who they hang with.  That says loads about them.  Look them in the eye if they are speaking down to you, and stand up straighter.  Give visual and body language clues by making sure your shoulders are back and your head is held high that you are having none of their crap today.  Or any other day.  You don’t want or need that “energetic pooh” in your life.  << That links to my clean energy tips and what “energy pooh” really is.
  3. Notice how you are being and what triggers them.  If you are having a great day, got a great review, the boss patted you on the back or you got special notice, chances are, they’re probably jealous.  Yup.  Triggers their insecurities and bitterness.  I jokingly said today on my FB Live chat “Mama always liked you best” from the Smother’s Brothers, but it is a true trigger for some people.  Whether or not it happens to be true, the person who uses hostile words masked as “fun” is feeling left out or unloved.
  4. Maintain your composure during the “dig”.  Now is the time to practice RBF…resting bitch face.  Only the eyebrows move up a notch, but you just look at them and say nothing.  You aren’t going to change them, but staring at them for a minute usually makes them say more.  If all else fails, you can use humor, or simply walk away.  Want a bit more on what they are trying to do here?  You can read 5 Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator.  Or if guilt seems to be used try reading When Guilt is a Weapon<< opens in new tab.
  5. Be mindful of yourself.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of silly little games, but your weapon can be mindfulness.  How is arguing with them going to help?  What are they trying to gain from this?  Making you look bad.  If you engage, they are trying to poke the bear so to speak.  Oh look at what so and so said to me…can you believe it?  They will conveniently leave out all indication they said anything at all.  Just remember that words can be twisted but if you simply look at them and walk away, they have nothing to use against you.

Looking for a supportive group to build yourself up?  Find out more here.  << Click on I need support.

5 Ways to Strengthen Your Energy Right Now!

Like a battery, you feel completely drained.  Depending on what’s going on around you, you feel like you haven’t the energy you once possessed.  Could you be getting sick?  It’s possible.  But I want you to take a look at a few things first.

Have you ever noticed that being in the presence of someone truly and miraculously seems to lift you up?  After spending time with that person, you come home humming, or want to do things you might normally not even think about doing?  Just think for a moment if there is such a person like this who is your lift force.  I have spoken about this before during my talks and written about it before, but if you have your journal, you can even take a page and think for a moment about all the supportive people you have around you.

Likewise, we are now going to draw our attention to something that energetically feels so draining that we can’t wait to escape their presence.  The drag force.  When I speak of this during my talks, I actually have to roll my shoulders as my back gets tight.

There was once a time I felt well, except that I constantly felt drained by someone’s presence.  I would go to work happy and content, and then this person would tell me every one of her problems…repeatedly.  There was never a solution that worked or a way out…or so it seemed. How did I find a way out of the draining cycle?

5 Ways to Strengthen Your Energy:

  1. It sounds like a cliché, I know, but your vibe really does attract your tribe.  Yogananda called this phenomenon “the law of invisible vibratory exchange.”  It is vitally important that you understand this principle to be true as you start building up your “lift force” around you.  Make your list in your private journal of who really lifts you up.  Once you become aware of the energy, you can start to see a pattern where you have dips or energy loss after being near someone who is more of a drag force, or negative influence on you.  ** See the note at the end!
  2. It is important that if you have to come in contact with a negative force, you get grounded before and after the visit.  As you center your thoughts, you can imagine being protected as you come in contact with that person.  Read more on the above link as well, but make sure that you keep your contact to as short a time as possible.  What happens if you live with a negative force?  Enroll in yoga, meditation, or a group activity where the people around you have a like-minded goal.  There is more under my Head|Heart|Health tab for an online community as well where keeping our heads clear and our hearts on how we want to feel is the end goal to overall wellness.
  3. Listen to music that moves your soul and uplifts your heart.  On one of my other talks, I showed the difference between me normally when I come on the FB Live show, and me after listening to the Bee Gees.  <<< yes.  I love to sing with them.  But seriously, think about the song “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys.  Ever thought about it?  It really does raise your vibration with the right tune.
  4. Be conscious of what you put in your body.  During my 4 Weeks to Wellness class, I talk about nutrition and the effects of sugar on the body.  I know people are going to be coming after me when I take away their sweets, but that’s why I train you to look for the hidden ingredients and do it for yourself.  This has to be done on your own time and it has to be something you want in order to move forward and feel better.
  5. Know how you want to feel.  Again, this one might sound simple, but do you know how you want to feel each day?  What are your weekly goals and how are you working to create a life that is working FOR you…not against you.  With a few small tweaks to your everyday routine, you can learn to block the energy of others by focusing more on what you want each day.  Getting clear on your thoughts before coming in contact with someone who might try to dis-rail your progress is imperative in strengthening your energy.

Do you need more uplifting folks in your life?  Come find us at any time!  >>> I need to raise my energy! <<<

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5 Tips for Setting Clear Boundaries Today!

Boundaries_title

Did you ever look back on a relationship or friendship and think to yourself that the signs were there all along?  You were so busy making excuses in your head for the other person that your space, your wants and needs, were clearly being victimized over and over again.  It could even happen at work.  I was once NOT a master at setting boundaries.  I had clients who walked all over me, and messaged me morning, noon and night…like right as I sat down to have time with my family.

I would see the blinking phone light and then see who it was and always be prompt with answering them.  I valued my great customer service as I had the highest number of clients in my business group at one time other than the person above me making 10 times what I made.  But for me, it was about building good relationships.  While I still believe in great customer service and value my clients, I recognized that I let people drain me both physically and mentally in my life.  It was time to put an end to what I was letting happen TO me, and take control so that I could make things better FOR me.

How did I start setting boundaries that were good for me?

  1. I looked at how it made me FEEL when these people didn’t value my time.  It was lots of people.  Friends, clients, and people who were part of my business.  What was the underlying reason I allowed this?  I realized that I let the other person’s “stuff” get to me like it was my own.  Interesting.  What made me a good listener was my empath skills and how I always put myself in the other person’s shoes…sometimes almost literally as I could feel so much more than they told me; however, this was not helping me help them.  I had to learn to separate myself from their feelings.
  2. I had to decide what my core values were and then recognize HOW this person was crossing them.  What matters most to me is honesty, and once I felt this boundary line in relationships being crossed or tested, I was able to see that it made me feel quite literally “sick” and used.  This feeling would come up immediately and I knew it was time to let that person know right then and there that they either weren’t telling me the whole truth, or they were flat-out lying.  It did lead to 2 friendships being severed that were draining…mostly because they were married, but not to each other, and things were getting out of hand with their stories.  I insist on trust in my marriage with my husband of 18 years, so naturally what they did made me feel “sick” again in my stomach.  It was a sign that I had been ignoring…but not anymore.
  3. I couldn’t change their actions…so I changed mine.  I didn’t want to keep repeating Einstein’s definition of insanity.  They kept treating me the same and I kept expecting different results.  The problem was, I was changing.  I was starting to see things clearly and see what I needed to do to surround myself with positive feelings.  Here’s the deal, the grandma who says the same things over and over, the co-worker who gossips about you all day long, the spouse who repeats the same behavior over and over, they aren’t going to suddenly change.  Why wait for what ifs and maybes.  Start putting up those clear lines by changing how you handle them.
  4. Decide clearly HOW you are going to set that boundary and WHAT will happen IF someone crosses the line.  In some cases, it’s only a matter of time before they do x,y,z that you mentioned you don’t like.  Stop.  Assess your feelings, and if you have told them in no uncertain terms not to do this, then it’s up to you on how you move forward.  I realize that people test this, but I am a person who doesn’t mind cutting off ties if it means that my emotional health is still in tact.  Boundaries are all about your needs, and not the other person.  Does this sound hard to do?  Not to me anymore.  Here is why, I had gotten so sick and so drained from trying to take care of everyone at once that I wasn’t able to take care of myself any longer at all.  For me, it was really about living a healthy life again.  I simply had nothing left to give these people who were taking.  I knew that my boundaries were deep inside of me and attached to who I was and that every time I let someone walk all over them, they were showing me that they didn’t value me at all.
  5. I had to mean exactly what I said and then, in order to move forward, I had to let go of any feelings of guilt. I had to get grounded so that I wasn’t made to feel like it was my fault.  Clearly, you need respect in any relationship.  My emotions were valid for me.  It was not about them as I simply had to take care of myself.  Sure we are sometimes afraid of telling people the truth, but if you do, and the other person sends you a hate filled e-mail or writes about how THEY would deal with that situation, or even worse, tries to change your feelings like you can’t and aren’t allowed to feel the way you do, well it’s bye-bye time for me.  They don’t see me again for many years. Trust me when I tell you that it was hard at first, but has gotten to the point now where I can tell who is going to test this, and who is going to respect this.  I have to ground myself daily, and I can’t go into the space where the negative energy lies.  It serves no purpose and I know what my purpose is.  It is really and truly to help others move forward.  

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When An Empath Loves A Narcissist: The Lure Of The Broken Soul

empath loves a narcissistGuest post by Steve Waller

When An Empath Loves A Narcissist: The Lure Of The Broken Soul

They occupy opposite ends of the love spectrum, but empaths and narcissists often find themselves coupled up in unlikely relationships. But why? What is it that attracts one to the other?

This article will focus mainly on why empaths find themselves pulled towards narcissists, how they get trapped, and what they have to do to escape.

What The Empath Sees

Gifted with the ability to sense the underlying emotions and feelings of others, an empath is uniquely placed to see into the depths of a narcissist’s being to the wounded, unhappy soul that resides there.

Upon discovering this pained creature, the instinctual response of the empath is to try to help, heal, and love them.

Before they know it, they become entangled with this narcissist and the toxic relationship begins.

How They Get Sucked In

Narcissists can, when required, display copious amounts of charm and charisma. You might think that empaths would be less susceptible to this artificial persona, but it is precisely because they are beings of love that they wish to see the best in everyone.

They can sense the pain that is hidden behind the smile and the wit, while, at the same time, believing that this act is some sort of suppressed character trying to assert control. They think that they can help free it through their care and affection.

They envisage a time in the future when this narcissistic individual can become a changed person, cured of all their bad traits and free from pain. Once they believe in this possibility, they feel compelled to try to make it a reality.

What Stops Them Leaving

It won’t be too long before an empath begins to regret their decision to get involved with the narcissist. The person they initially fall for will quickly disappear, revealing the true nature of the beast.

The empath will shower love and kindness on the narcissist – to the point where it turns into adoration – in an attempt to purge the pain from them and soothe their damaged spirit.

But to the narcissist, this sort of attention is like a drug; they simply can’t get enough of it. And unfortunately for the empath, it only serves to reinforce the egoistic self-adulation.

Then comes the game playing and manipulation. To maintain their air of superiority, a narcissist will seek to control every situation involving their empath partner. They will use destructive and demeaning language to tear them apart, piece by piece, until they can exert their utter dominance.

In spite of all their good intentions, the empath will find themselves in a trap; one of loving a person who is incapable of caring for them, let alone showing love back.

But they aren’t yet aware of this trap; they continue to seek the narcissist’s affection in a vain attempt to mend the broken heart they see before them. They struggle to understand what is happening to them because, from their position, the behavior of their partner is utterly incomprehensible.

What happens next is quite possibly the most damaging aspect of the whole process: the empath looks at all of the pain and trauma now filling their life and pins the blame squarely on themselves.

Rather than accept that the narcissist is the cause of all their misery like they should, they insist that it is they who have failed. They wrongly believe that all the conflict and resentment in the relationship is their fault; that they somehow didn’t try hard enough to rid their lover of the pain they endure.

From this self-blame grows an unwillingness to do what is required; to break up with their narcissist partner. They proceed to lock themselves in their own prison by forfeiting their right to be happy. They insist that to do so would only heap more misery on the already tormented soul they have such affection for.

How They Finally Break Free

There is only one method of escape for the empath and that is to fully open their eyes to the situation they are in. In order to make a break for freedom, they must first understand that the original lure of the narcissist was misguided.

They must realize that it is nobody’s duty to fix another; that they have no responsibility to stay with their partner any longer. They must accept that whether the narcissist will ever change is not something they have any say in; they can only captain their own ship and it’s time to choose a different course.

This will not, by any means, be the last they hear from the narcissist. In an all-out bid to regain what they see as a possession, they will declare their undying love for the empath, swear they have changed, and make many promises that they know they cannot keep.

They will turn the charm back on and, for a while, the empath may see some of what they initially found so appealing. But if the empath can hold their nerve during this period, the narcissist will eventually unleash a barrage of malicious words and actions in a desperate attempt to pull their victim back in. This can be extremely difficult to endure and it can seem like the whole world is crashing down around you, but you must hold firm.

Leaving a narcissist isn’t the end of the story for the empath; it will take a long time for them to put the pieces of their life back together and even longer to regain their faith in the goodness of other people. But they will have broken the bond that so often draws empaths and narcissists together.

Are you an empath who has been through such a trial? Leave a comment below and share you thoughts and experiences.

Want more help as an Empath?  >> Workbook for your Soul <<

Just for fun, take this quick quiz.

Steve WallerSteve Waller is the founder of A Conscious Rethink – a growing voice in the world of mind, body and spirit. He has benefitted greatly from self-help books and other aspects of the personal development movement, and now wants to share some of his knowledge and wisdom with those who need it. His Facebook page reaches millions of people each week with its mix of inspirational quotes, motivational videos, and helpful articles.

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Why You Need to Create Distance from These 5 Types of People

Ahhh. Spring. It is a time of re-birth. Growth. Friends coming out of winter hibernation looking to re-connect after being “on a break”. Say what? Yes. You know the old Friends episode. It might be funny on a sitcom, but let’s look at a few of these in real life and see how funny we think these are when these things happen to us.

Why You Need to Create Distance from These 5 Types of People

1. People who can’t be happy for you…at all. Like ever. I realize that there are people who have moments of jealousy. I’m not talking about that. I am talking about when your friend has a win, you feel like she just got one for the whole team. Not like that moment where in the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning’s brother looked really pissed as his brother got a touchdown. I mean come on Eli, it made for a great meme, and I don’t care what you say. That’s what it feels like to have those people around you when you do something great…if you know, the camera was on them all the time.
2. People who call you up all the time with what’s wrong in their life…but forget you have one when you go to speak. My brother had this girlfriend…who would later become his ex-wife, but anyway, none of us wanted to answer the phone when she called. Seriously. No one. She always had the worst day, the worst thing happened ever, or needed us right that minute for whatever she was going through. All. The. Time. She never ended it with “So how was your day?” And she never ever started it with “Is this a good time?” If you tried to talk about anything at all you might have going on, she had to go. At first, you might not notice these people do this to you because you think you’ve told them about something in your life. I mean surely you have had at least one mutual conversation, right? Nope. Think again. They fooled you.
3. The co-worker who talks crap about everyone you know. There was this acquaintance of mine…ohhhh boy. She would see me walking down the work hallway and flag me down for some gossip…even as I was trying to pretend I had to be another place. She had to tell me this about so and so. Oh did I see the latest Facebook post by x,y, and z. Why was she stalking these people? She never EVER clicked like on a damn thing, but knew all about these people’s personal business like it was her J-O-B. Oh wait. She had one. It was…a teacher. Hahahaha. I personally thought she was like a court stenographer for Facebook Land. Now presiding. Judge Judy. What the world. Deleted stalking co-worker off my FB list.
4. The friend who can only hang out with you if they can invite someone else…or their significant other. Oh, I made a reservation for us at that restaurant you like. Great!! I can’t wait to have some time for just me and you. And Bob. What, wait…Bob is coming??? Didn’t he come to ladies night? And knitting circle? And try to follow us in the bathroom that one time? Oh it’s okay. You know how we are. I need my squad. Um no. Actually you don’t. We need some boundaries for a strong friendship to thrive and we need to be able to respect the fact that sometimes, 3 is actually a crowd. If you have tried to have this conversation with them multiple times and they insist on putting you in the middle, it’s time to create that space for a while and re-visit this friendship.
5. The friend who is secretly mad about something…but you have no idea what.  Imagine the life of your friendship.  I read recently that if you make it past 7 years, it’s a pretty good foundation for a friendship.  However, let’s say that every other month for the last 6 years, this friend has seemed mad at you, and you don’t actually know what you did wrong. You say things like “Is everything okay?” and it starts to feel like a relationship because you get YES. WHY WOULDN’T IT BE? But the vibe is like they used all caps as they “spoke” to you. Your gut is usually right and why do you want to put yourself through this every other month…for however long this “friendship” lasts. You asking and the friend not telling you what’s really going on. So the trust has never actually been there at all when you look back at the friendship. Don’t keep dragging this one out. Sometimes, confrontations are necessary to grow and evolve as friends, but it can’t be one-sided.

Start your new habits today.  Remember, just like an overgrown flower bed, pluck a few weeds as necessary so it doesn’t smother the beautiful flowers that are actually trying to grow.

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How to Protect Yourself From Negative Energy.

Protect Yourself

My last post had lots of people asking me questions on the fan page for my blog!  I know that I have personally been on a journey to gather back my energy from the places it is currently residing.  I decided to share the tips with you that I have collected so far on how I protect myself from negative energy.

How to Protect Yourself From Negative Energy:

  1. I have to say journaling is my number one protection.  I know that sounds funny, but my friends ask me for advice on what it is that I do that helps me so much, and I JUST created an e-book for you guys to use.  The above word is linked to a similar journal I use, but start writing how you feel when negative energy enters your space.  Then, imagine yourself blocking that negative energy and only allowing good vibes in.
  2. Turn on your Himalayan Salt Lamp as you meditate or journal to recharge your batteries.  It is detoxifying as well, so I also have to soak in the tub with the salt crystals so not only do I get the pure air from my lamp, but I recharge from inside as well.
  3. Distance yourself from the source as best you can.  If you have to go back into their proximity, excuse yourself to a restroom and spray this around you.  It’s not the exact one I have, but it will work to calm and center you and clear the negativity from around you.  Especially if you are getting a headache.
  4. As soon as you get home, start your aromatherapy routine.  If you don’t have one, you can try using a diffuser with oils such as this blend called “Uplift”.
  5. If someone is complaining, turn up some music!!  Seriously, be like listen, this is my jam.  And look at what I just found for your night routine!!  I actually have not used this, but am excited it came up in my search.  Seriously let me know what you think, but Chronic Fatigue CD.

If you are really out of ideas and are right there without shielding options or recharging options, use visualization.  You can center yourself by concentrating on your breath. Keep exhaling negativity, inhaling calm. This helps to ground you and purify difficult emotions that are trying to enter your space. Visualize negativity as a fog lifting from your body, and hope as warm light entering.  Always remember that the fastest way is to leave the situation if at all possible.

protect yourselfP.S. Do you need more support?  Here is the perfect place for you!  Head|Heart|Health Club now open.

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5 Signs of an Energy Vampire in Your Midst

After getting off the phone with a friend, you suddenly feel a headache coming on. You are absolutely drained and have nothing left, so you go to eat food thinking that is the problem. You start to eat mindlessly ruminating over the problems in your friend’s life and how to fix them or help the friend. That’s when it hits you. These aren’t your problems and this always happens after speaking to this person.

Here’s the most interesting thing about Energy Vampires…they don’t think that burdening you over and over is wrong. They see nothing abnormal in their behavior. These people started to form these habits long before you ever came into the picture and will continue with their ways long after you are gone. Sometimes they can be alcoholics, verbally abusive, or perhaps even children who didn’t feel nurtured and grew up to continue the pattern.female-vampire

5 Signs of an Energy Vampire in Your Midst

1. People who are depressed, sad, or needy almost all of the time. I am not talking about full on depression, I am talking about people who tell you they are sad, but never do anything to help their situation. They seem to be a victim of everything. They are not interested in solutions, but want to exhaust you over and over again with the same sad story. You are probably already thinking about who this is. They are not hard to spot in your life. These types of people will never change as you must always be there for one crisis after another telling them it’s going to be okay. They have very low self-esteem and are insecure, so you must constantly build them up.
2. The one who blames and speaks negative. This one has excuses for lots of things. The timing isn’t right and somehow you start to feel guilty because he blamed you. He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and he likes to bring you down to his level of thinking. He wants you to feel like what he did was somehow your fault. The only way to rise above this person is to raise your vibration and do the opposite of what he wants. However, sometimes this person can also disguise themselves as the next example.
3. The polite one. This person appears to have all their “shit” together. Appearances are very important to them. They want the whole world to think they are happy…but occasionally, you see through it. These people often blame others, avoid or ignore, procrastinate, and use ambiguous speech. The truth is, they are quite passive-aggressive and that behavior stems from their frustration of expressing themselves indirectly so that they don’t have to admit real feelings. They want to be like Switzerland in conflicts so that whatever side wins, they can say they were always on that side. They are often untruthful about any desire or emotion; therefore, this lack of honesty leads to relationship problems. Some of these types of energy vampires truly enjoy the game of frustrating people. Strong emotions make this person dishonest and you might feel conflicted in their presence as well. They are always at war with themselves, but want to appear like they have it together.
4. The drama queen. This one likes to stir up the pot and sit back and watch. You already know who this is in your life. These people don’t have anything exciting going on in their lives and perhaps you do. They want to mimic your positive energy by swirling up the chaos because that creates an energy that will distract them from their lives. Don’t engage. Back slowly away.
5. The green-eyed one. Here I am referring to the jealous energy drainer. These folks want what everyone else has. Their neighbors, their co-workers, the celebrities. They are always trying to get attention as well because they feel empty. They have something to prove…to all these people who might not notice them. If you encounter these guys, try to point out what they have and see what happens. Chances are it won’t matter to them because it’s never good enough.

The best defense you have against these types of people is your awareness. When they speak to you it is with the intention of bringing your vibrational energy down. If you can’t shift their energy, then you need to release it from your life for good.

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7 Strategies for Dealing with Toxic People

Guest Post by Leo Babauta

Are there people who constantly criticize you, tell you that you can’t do things, make you feel bad about yourself, even yell at you?

These are toxic people.

Dealing with them is never easy, but it’s such a difficult problem that it’s worth looking at some strategies you might consider.

I was reminded of this problem by a reader recently, who asked, “What if toxic people are my family? How do I shut them out? What if I can’t find the courage to rise above them?”

I have to confess, there aren’t any easy answers. I’ve used a number of strategies in my life, and I’ll share what I’ve tried:

  1. Practice self-compassion when you’re feeling bad. This is always my first step these days, as I’ve learned how useful this method is. Think about it: if you’re feeling bad because of someone else’s behavior, you might show your anger or irritation in your actions and words, and that only makes that person more likely to be toxic. Your bad feelings are not only horrible for you, but for the situation. So try this when you notice you’re feeling bad from someone else’s actions/words: turn inward and notice your feelings, instead of avoiding them. What do they feel like in your body? After a minute, try creating a feeling of love towards yourself. Wish yourself happiness, and an end to your suffering. Wish yourself a life of joy and peacefulness. This won’t magically cure the pain, but it’s a good place to start.
  2. Talk to other people. I’ve found that when I’m hurting, I often don’t want to admit it to other people, but then when I talk to someone about it, I inevitably feel better. So take the plunge and talk to someone. Share your feelings, ask for them to listen, maybe even give advice. The advice doesn’t matter so much as the connection and listening.
  3. Practice empathy and compassion. Try practicing the same compassion method towards the person who frustrates you. In your heart, wish them happiness. See that they’re also going through difficulties, like you are, and that’s why they act that way. Wish for an end to their suffering. Wish them a life of joy and ease.
  4. Talk to the toxic person. Once you start to feel more compassionate towards the other person, talk to them. Yes, they might not act in a compassionate and peaceful way towards you, but you can be the better person. You can see that they’re suffering in some way, and are acting inappropriately because of that suffering. Try connecting with them, sharing that you’re having a hard time, asking for their support. This might not always turn out well, but if you do it in a spirit of connection, they might be open to this discussion.
  5. Model the behavior you want to see. Often I get mad at other people for getting mad at me, and then I’m doing the same thing they are, behaving badly because they behaved badly. Even if I feel it’s their fault, my behavior escalates the situation. So I try to show how to deal with frustration, try to be compassionate with them, try to show a positive way of dealing with things. And often that can have a great effect, even if it’s not immediate.
  6. Find more positive friends. If all of this isn’t working, it helps to find other people who are more aligned with the way you want to live. People who are creative, entrepreneurial, self-sufficient, excited about things, positive, healthy, happy. Find them in your local running club, yoga or crossfit class, Toastmasters, volunteer organizations. Find them online in various positive communities. Take the plunge and reach out, develop relationships. Buy someone tea or coffee and start a friendship. One by one, nurture the relationships that have a positive influence in your life, and be a positive influence in theirs. I’ve done this in my life, and it’s made a huge difference.
  7. Cut them out. It’s a harsh thing, but when family members aren’t supportive of me, if they’re constantly critical and angry … and none of the above works … I will just stop seeing them as much. I’ll do my own thing. See other friends. That’s harder to do, of course, when they live with you, but even then you can go out for a run, take a hike and see nature, meditate, create. Don’t let the thinking about toxic people be the thing you focus on all day — put your mind in more peaceful, creative, positive places.

Toxic People

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