I remember the feeling of relationships just not quite clicking. I would possibly ignore the signs that they were not going to work out, and I can look back now and think, why did I ignore that??
I should have been looking for signs that the relationship was actually the right one, and not ignoring the signs that it was, in fact, the wrong one for me.
Years have passed since then, and I have seen my girlfriends struggle through people using them, hurting them, and talking to them like they are not worthy. The last one is what always pisses me off. The first thing I am here to tell you is that you, whoever you are reading this right now, are worthy of Love.
Here are 7 Signs that your Relationship is the Right One:
Your partner is your best friend. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have your best friend from high school still. No, but what it does mean, is that if you needed someone to be there for you, he/she would drop everything and be there. THIS is a true sign. I remember being in a relationship with a narcissist, and realizing that I needed to get the hell out of there, and fast. He had the most excuses in the universe for never being there when I needed him…and if he could fit me in, I had to drive to him.
You only have eyes for this person, and they only have eyes for you. To this day, my husband and I can joke around about people we think are attractive in movies, but in real life, my mom said that was how she knew it was not just some passing romance. And, to be honest, I wasn’t sure at first as both of us had ended long relationships right before we met. However, after 2 months, I no longer thought it was a rebound relationship. I no longer thought about anyone else at all. It was quite scary at first because I had spent years with someone else and so had he. I also never, seriously, ever, believed in the “You’ll just know” saying until this point.
You can be you. With the ermmmm more narcissistic folks I had previously attracted, I felt like I had to make an effort to look good, and that included when I didn’t feel like it. Some people enjoy putting on make-up, doing their hair daily, and dressing up. And that is fine, as long as it is what you like to do. The first time my husband, then college boyfriend, and I traveled to a hiking spot and campground with some friends, I didn’t feel like packing a hair dryer or anything. It was camping. I needed my hiking shoes, and warm stuff. It was much colder than expected at that time of year. I didn’t care about the hair, but after using the camp showers, I was freezing. We dried my hair using his heat vents in his beat up car. Boom. He kept staring at me. No effort needed.
You can be weird together. So. Fancy a game of Dungeon and Dragons? Well, my husband did. Again, think college, but it was quite an honor to be taught D & D as the only girl in a secret-ish society of geek boys. I know you are thinking of Big Bang Theory right now…and it’s true. The difference is, I had previously kept my love of fantasy things somewhat close to the vest. Not anymore. Wooo-hoooo. Dice. All the dice. I can be an elf? Sweet. I can have a bow? Why not. Accepting all the parts of who they are includes a little bit of weirdness at times…but it might not be weird to them. If you have something you are afraid to share about you, see what happens. You might end up with a new D & D partner.
When you think about them, you get a little rush. Maybe it feels like butterflies in your stomach, or maybe it’s just that anticipation of them holding you, but whatever it is, you still feel it. After 2 months, 2 years, or 21. Yup…21 years of a rush. Woosh. They don’t spend time thinking about what’s wrong with you…like perhaps others did. Or if you would only lose a few more pounds, drop that person by the way, they love you for who you are. Right now. Now future you. Past you. Present day, in all your glorious mess, you.
You can work through your problems. So you had a fight. It is okay. It is not all your fault. If someone makes you think it is entirely your fault…well, arguments are part of life. You both have to own up to whatever it is without throwing in the kitchen sink as well. Or that other person you dated gets thrown in your face, or whatever it was that is past. You don’t resort to low blows if possible because guess what? They aren’t needed. You learn to work on your open communication and that really does mean facing problems together. Not secretly. Not avoiding. Not hiding.
You can’t imagine your life without them. I do still need my alone time, don’t get me wrong, but this is different. I don’t want to do too much without him because I actually miss him. I can’t sleep right, think fully, or operate well when we are apart. I know that it is the same way with him. The difference is, if you would rather be with friends or another interesting possible new flame, then it’s definitely time to think about what you are looking for in a partner. Luckily, my soul knew long before my head caught up. Things felt like they were missing with other people, but I thought it was me. It was actually just my soul trying to guide me out of those relationships, and into the “One” that was meant for me.
Nothing is perfect my friends. Love is messy, complicated, and it makes you want to scream at times; however, nothing is worse than staying in the wrong relationship thinking it is you. You are worthy of true love and stepping out of that narcissistic or failing relationship, will really give you the space you need to be true to you. This month, I invite you to do the work within. Come join us in the Head|Heart|Health Club.
I was drawn to this post my friend shared today by a famous yoga teacher who I really admire. She seemed to have a really cool life. She is young, admired, in shape and really self-confident. Or so I thought. She gets to go on exciting trips and travel all over the world…little did I know she was homesick and going through a divorce. She posted a photo of herself on her social media today and the first person to comment said some ugly things about her being “vulnerable” as an excuse for pity. Wow. Harsh.
Interestingly enough, I bet we have all been there though. Seeing someone’s posts and wondering if they just needed a pick-me-up or were they seeking attendees for their pity party? The truth is, we all have felt this way at some point in our lives. We are on the brink of being really vulnerable and wondering if others care. The flip side to this is we might stay closed off from the world because we are busy thinking we will be judged for how we feel. The fact is, emotions are like waves. We can no more control them than we can control the turbulent sea. We just have to ride it out.
I say this as I am still in the clutches of my own grief on losing a beloved pet. So I can’t control my waves of grief right now, but there are things I can do to make this time more bearable. I can turn my pity, of which I honestly feel like I am the only one at this party, into self-care.
3 Ways to Turn Pity into Self-care:
Observe your thoughts as they turn to “why me”? I recognize that I will have moments of thinking I am the only one who has ever experienced x,y, z. Since I know this is definitely not true, I use this as an excuse to journal my feelings and explore what is really going on here. Did someone post a photo of the exact opposite feeling? Quite possibly. And what is the exact opposite feeling I want to explore right now? Happiness. Love. Support. Okay, so now let me list the ways that I feel these emotions I am trying to get to. Who makes me feel this way or what? It doesn’t have to be a who…as I can definitely create my own happiness with things that make me feel successful. So then I go down that path instead.
Don’t open the invitations you get…to go to the other pity parties. This one might be hard. So do this one as tactfully as you can, but if you are struggling, the emotions you want to surround yourself with are not going to be more struggle and pity. Get my drift? You really want to think about the things that are going well in your life and get back to that higher vibration that allows you to feel good about yourself. If you can turn it into something productive, like a friend journaling session, or a walk of pity, then go for it, but set a timer. After 3 minutes, switch and listen to the other person. Then you must have 3 minutes of praise and success. Because ultimately, you know that this stage will not last forever.
Make a practice of talking about your joys. Again, this one is hard. We always want to talk about what is bothering us…or what we want to change, but feel like we can’t. What if we talked about all the things that made use feel joy, happiness, and fulfillment in life? Ask a trusted friend to tell you 3 good qualities about yourself if you are feeling down. Even better, text them and tell them 3 things you love about them out of the blue.
Opportunities for growth exist as we see our pity for what it really is. A moment of self-doubt where we don’t feel good enough. A moment of judgement where we think we should be doing more. A moment of envy perhaps, where we see the outside of someone’s life and look at the highlight reel. Go deeper into what is really bothering you and what the opposite of that feeling is. It is there that you will find your gold.
What does it mean to be heart-centered anyway? Well, you have heard that your heart wants one thing, but your brain wants another before. So let’s take a moment to examine that. The ego, or psyche sometimes thinks first and understands later. I know that I have been guilty of that. However, let’s suppose for a moment that you start to really focus within and you see past the surface. It takes a while to get used to pausing without reacting or speaking first, and learning to express from your heart, but it really can be done.
As we start to move from fear-based thinking to love-based living, the world expands. Fear tends to shrink our environment and make us less likely to step out of that comfort zone, and love, well, love helps us do amazing things. I am not just talking about love for others though…this part is important. You definitely need to practice self-love and forgiveness of your own faults. It is not selfish to put self-care into place. So many times my clients have to step into their own beauty and realize that their oxygen mask has to be put on first. But no one can make another person do that…it is within them to see that they need to give themselves permission to be human and practice compassion for themselves. We don’t have to be last. It it is crucial to realize this. As you learn this truth, everything else falls into place.
3 tips for heart-centered living:
Stop and breathe. Are you having a heart-centered reaction or are you so busy in your head that things have quickly gone from A to Z? Take three deep breaths, and if you are at a desk, sit up straight and tall elongating your spine and square your shoulders up and then gently bring the shoulder blades down your back. Place the hands in your lap palms facing upwards. Practice: Apana Vayu Mudra-The Mudra of the Heart by folding your middle and ring fingers towards the palm in such a way that they touch the tip of the thumb. Fold the index finger inward allowing it to touch the base of the thumb. The small finger should be stretched outward. Keep your eyes closed and hold the mudra as long as you want to. This mudra actually improves blood circulation to your heart.
Practice compassion. As we start to focus inwards, we realize that we have to live with compassion for ourselves and others. We are all human going about our day in similar ways all around the world. While we live in different places, have different lifestyles, ultimately, we want the best human experience we can have on this planet and hopefully leave it a better place. So the struggles that involve the people we interact with on a daily basis do have some effect on us. Practice: How are you being with people? Look to the 4 A’s. Attention, appreciation, admiration, and affection. Are you open to whatever it is they have to say? Reflect on your body language as well. Tight jaw, tense shoulders. Relax and open up your heart.
Live with passion. Picture what you love doing, who you love being with, what stirs up your passion and fulfills you. Practice: Get out your journal. Write about what you would do if you didn’t have to worry about money? If doubt creeps in write this instead: “I am enough, worthy, and deserving of following my passion. I am strengthened by doing the things I love to do. I am now living my heart-centered calling.”
Remind yourself throughout the day by touching your heart, practicing the mudra or even saying “Am I living through my heart right now or my head?” These pauses in what we act on truly do make a difference when we don’t react right away. Continue journaling about your passion and living through the heart. I actually use this one every night:
To learn more about my new journal guide as part of my 4 Weeks to Wellness program, click here.
Hey friends…I have just spent the day working on a workbook that is available to all my clients and it deals with exploring your self-esteem.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem reflects a person’s overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth…so as my husband was looking over my shoulder, he asked me about the word “worthiness” and said don’t you mean “worthlessness”? Ack! No. I certainly did not. I meant worthiness. I was developing a way to reflect on our feelings and where they might stem from. Nearly everyone experiences fluctuations in their self-esteem and the way they feel about themselves or how they look, but sometimes it can be hard to see the world and your place in it through a positive reflection instead of these negative thoughts that take up too much space in your head. So tonight, I wanted to share with you three ways you can boost your self-esteem.
3 Ways to boost your self-esteem
The JOY list. Make a list of all the places, people and things that give you joy. If you have a favorite outfit that gives you a boost write that down. If there is an activity that lights you up like painting, drawing or yoga, write that as well. On days you are having a hard time, refer to your JOY list. That’s right. If you think a day is going to be particularly stressful, oh I don’t know like a review at work day, wear your favorite outfit. Just feeling better will raise your vibration as you go into the meeting. This truly helps others around you take notice of the energy you are putting out there.
Replace negative with positive. I know you think this is easier said than done because I hear that excuse all the time, but the truth is, it is easy. Pay attention to your self talk and think about how you would want your children to talk to themselves. Negative begets negative. Take those unfounded negative thoughts and start to make a note on how what you are thinking is untrue. Maybe a friend said that they needed to lose weight that day at lunch and it got you thinking about that. They keep talking about it all the time, and you just start to feel the same way. Recognize that that’s their shit. <<< yes, I said shit, but it’s true. It’s theirs and they need to own that. Start re-framing your thoughts and perhaps help your friend to do the same if you would like. It’s not your burden…it’s theirs. And the truth is, if someone else repeatedly expects you to carry their burden, it can be a negative feeling.
Self-care routines need to be in place. This is essential. I was working with a client and I asked her about the last time she took a bath. I know that sounds like a routine question, but it isn’t. She said “A bath?? The kids take baths. I don’t have time.” <<< BINGO. You do have time. Let me come over and pull a Moonstruck on you…okay, I won’t (for those too young to get the reference, she slaps her boyfriend and says snap out of it.). I changed my entire way of thinking about self-care in the last two years and I want you to understand how critical it is. Self-care practices are all those activities that we engage in to improve our overall sense of wellbeing. Self-care strategies work toward improving the many aspects that make up who we are, including our physical, relational, mental, spiritual, and emotional health…now imagine you don’t have these in place. Exercise, sleep, hot baths and journaling are just a few of the things I talk about with clients. I could write a book on this alone…but that’s for later. For tonight, just remember, you are responsible for the energy you bring to the table my friends. Take care of you.
Did you know that we experience more inner confidence when we are aligned with our life’s purpose? Individuals who feed their soul exude a kind of self-confidence that is not seen in other people. These individuals know who they are (Finally!) and aren’t afraid to speak their truth…even if it means others won’t necessarily agree with them.
Connecting to what your heart wants is very important in growing as a person. Have you ever heard someone advise you to “Just follow your heart”? Well that’s because doing what you love means listing to that inner guide. That still voice inside you that some refer to as intuition. When you take action driven by what you love, you learn to follow your passion without fear. We learn to shift from the ego to the heart and it’s a beautiful thing.
3 Steps to Boost Your Heart
Identify your passion. What is it that lights you up from the inside out? What topic is it that if someone were to ask you to speak about it in front of a whole room, you know without a doubt you would feel confident because of how passionate you are about the subject? I already know the answer to this. I am passionate about helping other people. I know that without a doubt, and therefore, it is what appealed to me about my all-natural approach to healing and what continued to move me forward into my yoga practice.
Love yourself. This one is harder. So in order to do this one justice, we do a little exercise in my Boost Your Heart program called leaving love notes to yourself. It’s a journaling exercise and it really is important. Notice qualities within yourself that help you to find meaning, pleasure and satisfaction. Allow yourself permission to write down what is your true heart’s desire. Sometimes, following your heart often requires you to take a detour from the path others thought you should take. It can be a long and lonely road initially…but not when you have someone to talk to about your feelings. It’s important to know that you have worth and are important even if you aren’t doing what others expected you to do. Trust the journey.
Be authentic. Have you ever done something that just doesn’t feel like you? Maybe you weren’t available emotionally or mentally because you were trying to fit into a certain crowd. You might have left a situation feeling drained actually because you were trying to keep up this appearance. If you are tuned into how you feel now, and what you really and truly want, it changes the way you interact with people. We must be willing to look at our lives with honesty and true reflection. We must be willing to truly evaluate the parts of it that no longer serve our needs.
Are you truly following your heart?
I have worked with people who have these amazing dreams and desires, but for whatever reason, they ignore them because they think that they are unreachable. Some women would prefer to pretend to be happy and sacrifice their true happiness but justifying that their inner dreams are not really that important anyway. They have to be a mom, a wife, a teacher, a whatever and can’t be themselves. They have fit their life into the role that they feel they must fulfill even if they have outgrown that role or it has them suppressing their inner most desires. I am actually thinking of the woman in The Shift, Wayne Dyer’s movie.
When she woke up and told her husband she was going to stay at the beach for a few more days to paint, it was like an awakening was taking place in her. She realized that her children didn’t even know she had a love of painting. It was quite moving. If you are ready to reconnect to what you love in life, and go fearlessly forward, I invite you to connect with me in my work with me tab. It takes courage to follow your heart.