Why Procrastination Might Actually Be Your Intuition Guiding You.

Why Procrastination Might Actually Be Your Intuition Guiding You.In essence, procrastination is the act of postponing or doing something.  It leaves us feeling like we have something hanging over our heads most of the time that we just didn’t get to.  We have a list of things we were going to do, but most often, move some of those items over to a new list at the end of the day, week, or perhaps month.  But what if…it is our intuitive guidance system and we are trying to override it by feeling like we have to get things done right now?

You are scrolling through the feed, and something catches your eye.  You feel like you have read it before or you were meant to read it right then, but then you wonder if it is meant to distract you from your true purpose, so you try to get back on track yet again with what you were doing.

Maybe looking up inspirational quotes will help you stay inspired, and one catches your eye.

If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done. ~ Bruce Lee

Is procrastination really your intuition guiding you like Bruce Lee seems to be using his chi as guidance?  Do you believe that a force of energy can actually guide you?  Have you ever had that feeling that maybe, just maybe, someone or something is watching out for you?  Then read more.

Signs that Procrastination is Actually Your Intuition Guiding You:

  1. Warning!  Do you get a sense that perhaps you shouldn’t start a project right away or give someone an answer they are waiting for?  Cue visions of the little old lady/witch handing Snow White the poisoned apple.  Maybe someone is really just trying to pass off their toxic items to you, hmm?
  2. The pause feels like it should be there.  In this day and age of shortening up tasks, speech and dial times << remember that?  Cue horrible screeching sound as you waited to connect.  The pause gave you a second to register what might be going on.  That pause gave you a moment to breathe, think, connect to your thoughts and oftentimes, it sent cues to your 5 senses.  But what about your 6th sense?  If you pick up on what is not said, but felt, subtle cues in energy shifts, and reasons for the pause, don’t ignore that.  The pause is connecting the dots for you.
  3. You get a sense that you really should say no.  I will never forget the week-long “pause” I gave my daughter when she kept asking me to go to a friend’s house and spend the night.  I didn’t have any reason whatsoever to say no, but it felt like I should.  I even said to her, I don’t know why, but it feels like I shouldn’t let you go.  Weirdly enough, we had a talk about something I saw in my feed that was bad that week.  Still, at the last moment, I caved.  Since I am not Cher and can’t turn back time, it still feels like slow motion as I got the call from the girl’s mother.  I was ALMOST FREAKING THERE.  My daughter had been in a bicycle accident.  Guess what we had talked about before going?  The thing in my feed that was bad.  It was a bicycle accident.  I floored it, turned into the neighborhood, and slammed on brakes and ran up to the house.  My daughter was covered in blood and I couldn’t tell where she was hurt.  Her shoes, the ones I never let her ride a bike with here at home, were broken as they were sandals.  I won’t describe her toes or her knee, but a demon took over as I said to the other mom was she at least wearing a helmet?  When I found out no, I went a little crazy and scooped her up and flew down the road to the emergency center.  Went a little crazy is probably an understatement to be honest, but there was so much blood that I blamed myself.  So, after hours of things I won’t share here, she was patched up, her foot is okay now, and to this day she has a massive pile of scar tissue on her knee to remind her, and me as well, don’t press mom when she says no.
  4. There are signs if you know where to look.  I have never doubted the signs I was given that week, and have never given in again if something I can’t explain tells me to say no, or go this way, or not take that road, or watch my step here, etc.  The signs might be things like a pause, a weird feeling overcoming you like premonition, a desire to move away from someone, weird dreams that seem to be warnings, a tingling or prickling in between your eyebrows or even the hairs on the back of your neck.  Your Facebook feed feels odd, like you are seeing all the bad stories around this one thing (should have listened to this one).  Yes, I know it is weird, spooky, etc. if this is new to you, but it’s better to be safe than as sorry as I was.  Trust me on this one.  I am very glad it wasn’t worse because the signs I was seeing were around a concussion on a bike that week, and we had literally had the talk about what proper bicycle wear was and my daughter assured me she knew better.

So if all of that doesn’t feel like why you are procrastinating, then go ahead and get things done.

Here are a few posts you might like if you really just put things off:

Want more help around your highly sensitive emotions?  We would love to have you in our Club.  <<< Linked to more information about what we are learning.

Why Procrastination Might Actually Be Your Intuition Guiding You.

How to Handle the “Knowing” When Your Intuition is High.

Intuition

It happened again.  Someone just lied straight to your face.  And you had a split second to decide what to do.  So you just numbly nod your head and move on.  The other choice is confrontation and how can you prove you know they lied You can’t just say “well I felt it…” or can you?  What if they think you are crazy?  How do you handle this?  Help!

Well, the interesting thing is this, the more tuned in you are with this person, the stronger the “knowing” is.  Sometimes, you want to dismiss it because it would make your life easier.  But I think it is being developed in our conscious mind for a reason.  So how do we move on from here?

How to handle the “Knowing”:

  1. Trust your intuition.   If you know in your gut you are right, you are probably on the right thought.  The thought comes without reaching for it.  Much like our reaction when we pull our hand away from a hot surface, shiver when we are cold, or our bellies growl when we are hungry.  It is simply just there and many people don’t understand this.
  2. Breathe deeply.  What was the first thing you thought?  The first impression is often the most accurate.  We then start to second guess ourselves about the thought.  Breathe deeply again.  Trust your gut reaction.
  3.  Think about how you feel when you ignore it.  So you know it’s there and it’s going to wake you up in the middle of the night.  Can you stop your friend/co-worker from lying from you?  No.  You can’t do that.  But what is your intention going to be if you do, in fact, tip them off you know something fishy is going on?  Don’t point the finger, but instead see if there is a way for you to later re-visit this with your intention clear.
  4. Weight the consequences and energy output.  Supposedly people are more likely to lie when they are stressed or put on the spot.  So consider asking important things when someone has had time to relax or maybe isn’t in a room full of people if it’s at work.  I know, to some of us who just want the truth, this seems like lots of effort, but the energy spent trying to catch the person in the lie isn’t worth it either.
  5. Have the conversation about what your moral code is and what you do and do not expect from a friend, co-worker, or even your boss.  Of course this takes courage, but maybe they will think twice about who you really are in a world full of people wearing masks.  Saying you don’t have time for that kind of life and you don’t tolerate it in your relationships can attract just the right people to your circle.  Obviously, I would be careful if it’s your boss, but seriously, if a leadership figure is lying to you all the time, why work for him or her?  I mean, you know, once you have your next job lined up.  I am being realistic and know that honesty doesn’t pay the bills.

How can you handle liars?

What are we working on in the Head|Heart|Health Club this month that helps highly sensitive people?  Come on over and find out.  <<< Don’t forget to read my new about section.  Feel free to follow this blog using the e-mail sign-up too!

What’s the Connection Between your Head and your Heart?

At some point in your life, your head and your heart simply do not agree.  Your head is over here being all practical…and your heart, well, it wants to quit work, become an entrepreneur, and live a glorious life.  Wait, I did that actually.

So the process was scary as hell, and if you are new to my blog, you know that I did it to save my life.  << Read later if you are new.  The hours spent in agony at making a decision all boiled down to one thing…money actually.

What would be the best for me physically at the time was not going to pay the bills; however, after a particularly bad spell which lasted 3 weeks, my husband said the words that finally broke through to my head as well.  The job was not worth sacrificing my health. 

Alrighty then.  A weight had been lifted.  The fear was gone and a plan was made.  The connection between my heart and my head was now on the same path, and I had one goal that lined up to who and what I was supposed to be.

The paralyzing indecision was gone.  We would make this work.  I sure wish I hadn’t wasted lots of energy when my decision was split, but I truly wasn’t listening to my heart.  My head kept getting in the way.  Luckily for me, I learned a great deal about myself during the process of leaving work, going on a sabbatical to heal, and then building my business around my dreams of helping others.

What about you?  How balanced do you feel lately?

In my Head|Heart|Health Club, I teach journal therapy, ways to connect to your inner most desires, and how to enjoy a complete lifestyle change.  Indecision leaves you feeling powerless.  It truly drains you of energy.  Feel free to connect with me through my online portal as I would love to have more like-minded people working towards the same goal.

Procrastination and the dreaded “resolutions”…3 tips to overcome it!

I know that at the end of each year, millions of people resolve to do better next year.   The problem is, resolve means steadfastness, and we let many things get in the way of that resolve.  Procrastination has become our safety net, trust me I know.

But what if we traded in that safety net, for true results?  What would happen?

We’d actually get things done.  We’d stop listening to fear and self-doubt.  We’d have to be accountable.  Ack.  Those things by themselves are scary.  Scary feet. Scary feet. Scary feet.  <<< Sully would approve of you being scared.

Unfortunately, if you are reading this, we have hit the grown up stage and the responsibilities that come with that are often too much for us in our heads, so we fall back on fear.  I understand.  I have been there many times.  So what changed for me?

3 tips to overcome procrastination:

  1. Create clearly defined goals…and then look to see if you can break them down even further.  In my new online community, I was talking about how to really get clear on what you want and then step back and see if it can be even more clear.  After we have created these crystal clear steps to your end result, make sure you know how realistic they are.  For example, one goal might be making more money.  Okay, so how much?  If you are on the path to millions, is that realistic right this very minute?  Maybe you can have a goal to make $100 more this pay period.  At the end of the year, you can have your big goal of making x amount of dollars.  Try not to write out that your goal is to get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
  2. Minimize the path to distractions…engage in community support.  As I was on the path to wellness, the community around me was not very supportive.  I had to change my focus as many of you have heard me say time and time again.  It actually became my most popular quote and my tag line, but I truly believe “Surround yourself with what you want to become.” << Okay, my original quote was a bit longer, but of course, I will put it at the end for you.  But let’s think about your distractions.  Write them out if you have to.  Map out your pitfalls like you are Indiana Freaking Jones and this is the Temple of Doom.  Write out snakes, those might be the people trying to bring you down.  “Why’d it have to be snakes?”  And then the booby traps, that might be the triple chocolate cake your friend ordered right in front of you.  The nerve.  Then what is going to save you from the pit?  Who or what is your rope vine that comes right as you need it?  Support.  Find that group of people who will be there for you.
  3. Get to a safe environment…whew.  After you have made it out of distraction zone, what are you going to do next?  Sticky notes.  I didn’t invent them though, but I use them.  So here are a few ways to help yourself with notes.  Get your planner ready and write in what you need to do.  Clean your desk area into one that is organized and less “Pig Pen” like.  Physically remove old to-do lists.  Streamline your tasks into today and by the end of today.  Don’t look at the overall month right now…that can be your future log.  Make certain you are holding yourself accountable or use the S.O.S. option if you are in my closed group. <<< that’s where you get to ask me for help on 1 specific thing before Thursday of each week.  It might show up as a blog post.  You never know:)

I really believe in you!  If I can do this, I know you can.  See the previous article called You Can Get Through This, because life is not a race. It’s a journey, and we are all trying to get through it the best we know how.

Here is your reminder, from me.  With much love:

5 Signs Your Soul is Trying to Guide You (But you aren’t listening)

Each night, I go through my rituals of thinking about the life I want.  It didn’t used to be that way though.  Before my epiphany, I went to bed thinking about what I didn’t want in my life.  The funny thing is, that never got me anywhere.  I was miserable in my job, my health was failing as you know, and I couldn’t see through the red haze of pain.  I started clearing away everything, and I do mean everything, that was making me miserable. 

My soul couldn’t speak in words, but it sure was telling me that I was living my life wrong.  It was showing me through my pain that there was more out there, as well as my intuition that kept saying I could improve my entire well-being using my head-heart-health plan that I had started developing for myself.  I was on the right path and each time I would veer away, something would catch my eye and I would continue my research into holistic health and wellness.  When I was finally ready, I launched the 4 Weeks to Wellness plan in a small group for my friends and ultimately decided to open it to the public.

5 Signs Your Soul is Trying to Guide You:

  1. My intuition was going crazy and my empath skills were working overtime.  I was getting real-life friends messaging me all the time asking me to help them with something new that the doctor told them they had, and after talking to me they felt better.  I couldn’t sleep without answering their messages and once I did, I knew instinctively that I had put them on the right path.
  2. I spent lots of time thinking I was almost onto something big…I could just feel it.  But I had to make space for the messages to appear.  I had spent a lifetime of over-thinking and needed to re-wire my entire brain.  I started slowly and methodically re-centering my thoughts when they went away from my purpose.  I did this by eating right, moving, balancing my schedule, and creating self-care routines that were so necessary I started telling others about what I was doing.
  3. I noticed I was unhappy when I did things that did not feel authentic.  Let me un-jargon this for you.  There were people in a group who wanted me to sell, sell, sell.  Get customers of my all-natural products a certain way; however, it felt “icky” for lack of a better word.  I really like using kid terms as I was a teacher and they feel really pure to me.  Kids create and do what makes them happy.  They make their drawings never looking over to the other kid beside them going wow, his is better than mine.  I should have added more blue here or more this or more that.  No, they are like wow!!!  That is really pretty.  I like that.  They feel happy with what they create.  It is only later when start to compare ourselves to others.  <<<< I dislike this to the highest degree.  So I didn’t want to be like everyone else.  I wanted to do what felt right to me.  Basic-level happiness goals.
  4. Answer this question with the first thing that pops into your head:  What do you want?  If I was doing things that I didn’t want, I started to feel off course again.  Anxious, and not all present.  It was a clue that I needed to realign myself with all the methods I taught myself worked for me.  Am I just going through the motions on this?  Is this a path I want to go down or did I say yes because I was afraid to say no or afraid to miss out on something?  I had to stop and listen to my gut feeling about the situation.  Was this a hell yes feeling or a meh okay?  If it was not what I wanted, why did I put it on my plate to begin with???  I needed to cut that out.
  5. How do you feel when you get out of bed in the morning?  What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you think about work, or doing whatever you have planned for the day?  <<< note, HUGE flashing sign there.  I knew that I only had a short time here on this earth and I was wasting away because I thought I HAD to finish the job I went to college for.  I had to do what my parents thought, or my friends thought, or my colleagues thought was best for my future.  I had been programmed to think that way.  I had been programmed to think it was selfish to want to leave a perfectly good job when other people were looking for jobs.  How many times have I heard that one?

My soul was telling me each and every day that I was meant to help larger groups of people.  I lost all sense of time writing and teaching yoga.  I lost all sense of time helping other people on the path to wellness.  I felt such great joy at seeing my friend do a certain yoga pose for the first time or create her journal based off our talks.  When she showed me a particularly private page in her journal, it was an extremely vulnerable talk that we had, but I felt so proud of the things she had written.  She was not in the same place a year prior to that.  When my newly divorced girlfriend said she turned a corner and started feeling better after her journaling, I knew that my questions were leading these women to really cool places.  They were digging deep into what their souls wanted as well and we were uncovering layer after layer of programming.  Getting back to the core of who they were.

The last thing that really made me feel great about this path was when a friend said they wanted to cart me around with them to help deal with the anxiety and lead the journal questions in their mind on why they were reacting certain ways.  So I say again to you my friends, you really know what you have to do if you have read this article and thought of many answers to the questions your soul might be asking.  It’s time to start listening.

What does your soul want?New!  See the Head|Heart|Health tab for even more support!

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5 Signs You are Being Treated Like a Doormat

You always say yes.  Even when it’s inconvenient timing or you are about to eat dinner.  Your friend “needs” you yet again or your partner asks you to do this one little thing he or she just doesn’t have time to do.  You might even be the go-to person at work…working long after hours, because the boss just knows that you will say yes.  Yes, sure I will do this.

What are the signs?

  1. You try to have a good nature about everything…so it gets used.  Because you naturally want something great to happen for your friend, they ask you to do more things like that.  Plan an outing, sure.  Keep their kids all day?  Why not.  You were only going to relax from exhaustion.  Pay for everything because they always forget their money <<< wait.  Big sign.  Big.  Let’s split this bill?  But they ordered lobster, 2 martinis and a flaming desert brought to the table by a monkey wearing a fez.  You ordered water and a salad.  Say no to splitting the bill.
  2. What you do is clearly not appreciated...in fact, they act surprised if you mention they asked you to do x, y, z for them last weekend so you can’t right now.  They do not reciprocate at all, nor will they ever.  Never.  Be honest with yourself.  How is this making you feel right now?  Are you beating yourself up for being so nice…and feeling used right now?  Write down your thoughts about the last time someone used you.
  3. One set of rules for them…another for you.  This one is huge.  I had an acquaintance, I thought she was a friend actually, but I know better now, who said that a few things I did were not okay.  If I made an observation for example, I was automatically judging OR gossiping.  But she could turn around and say “Oh look at so and so.  Umm.  I just don’t like them….what do you think <<<” At that time, and that time only, I could answer.  This borders on “policing” your behavior.  Being told what you can and can’t do.  It would be okay for her to act this way, but not me.  Snapping at you in front of adults, yet had you done the same thing, you would have heard about it.  This is setting limitations on what you can do, but they think it doesn’t apply to them.  This is manipulation in a friendship or relationship and it is wrong.
  4. Being treated this way makes you feel isolated and alone.  How you feel about this treatment is often ignored as well…but you are not alone.  You should not feel ashamed to speak out on someone who likes to use double standards in a relationship or friendship.  They have the do as I say not as I do attitude, but clearly you are starting to see this.  Get out now.  Go to counseling, therapy, write about it, but leave and don’t feel bad.  This is NOT about you.  It’s about them.  All about them.  They will continue to manipulate your feelings and try to turn it around so it is your fault.  It isn’t.
  5. They rarely contact you first…unless they need something.  In any type of relationship, whether it is home, friendship, relationship, work, or family, the only contact you get is when they need something.  I am learning to put up better barriers against this, but this is a big sign to me that I am not important.  They are too busy to listen to you, contact you, etc, but the moment they need something, the story changes.  My ex-sister-in-law comes to mind right now as well as a few others who are no longer in my life.  But I wouldn’t hear from that girl unless she wanted to bash my brother or have me babysit.  Period.  That was it for our entire “friendship”.  When I was really ill, she called me.  To ask me for a favor.  Didn’t know I was bad off.  Didn’t ever ask.  Not once.  That was the last time she called because I finally told her that I knew she only called me for 2 reasons and never once in 7 years asked me how I was doing.

How to handle it now.

  1. Talk to them first.  If you don’t you only have yourself to blame.
  2. If talking doesn’t improve anything at all, use distance.
  3. If distance doesn’t work as well as you’d like, make yourself completely unavailable to them for a very long time.
  4. If all else fails, leave the relationship or friendship so that you can make room for new people in your life who truly value you, your gifts and what you have to offer others.
  5. Start your own self-care routines that truly focus on your wellnessreserves

Want more help?  See the Work With Me tab as my Closed Group frequently does lots of work around setting up safe boundaries.

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How To Release Yourself from Your Past: 7 Tested Ways

Guest post by: Zane Baker

How To Release Yourself from Your Past: 7 Tested Ways

Who doesn’t have a past?

That’s the million dollar question!

Each one of us has a past. Most likely you have experienced your fair share of wonderful memories and very exciting moments that you are bound to keep with you for eternity.

However, you’ve also likely been through situations that were not only challenging, but also full of pain and heartache.

In this regard, there are some aspects of your past that were particularly difficult, which is very common.

You may, therefore, find yourself feeling guilty about some of the things you have said, done or failed to do.

If you want to move on, away from such painful memories, then you have to put the past behind you.

To succeed, you must put lots of effort and hard work.  This is important because it is impossible to have any healthy or effective relationship with yourself or with others if you are living in the past.

You must, therefore, make some concerted effort to not only focus on the now and here, but also on the future that you are keen on creating.  You do that by immediately making the decision to leave your past behind and take the necessary steps and start living in the present.

In doing so, you will, without a doubt, notice that your confidence will soar and you will also experience healthier and happier relationships which will not only bring great rewards to your life but also to your loved ones and those that you closely associate with.

To help you succeed in this important endeavor, here are some important tips on how to release yourself from your past: 7 tested ways.

Lets begin:

1. Don’t deny your past

The first and the most important step you should take is to accept your past. You must be able to face up to the past and acknowledge whatever happened. It is unwise to pretend that nothing happened or hope that you shall after some time forget whatever transpired. This though should not be mistaken to mean that you have to dwell constantly on it, to the contrary, you should not continuously blame yourself over it. You should make sure though that you take your lessons from that particular experience and view it as a learning experience.

2. Don’t underestimate your achievements

Always keep in mind that whenever you spend an inordinate amount of time regretting your past, you are continuously diminishing and ignoring all the positive achievements that you have made or attained during the same period and in the present. This is mainly because you are giving recognition and credit only to your past mistakes. You should ensure that you constantly and consistently focus on your achievements and not solely on your mistakes. Focusing on your mistakes not only makes them bigger but also gives them the power to control your life as well as your actions. To assist you in this task, you can make a point of writing down your achievements on a piece of paper or notebook, and when you are feeling low or overwhelmed, you can quickly go through them and get some encouragement.

3. Don’t miss or forget the lessons learned from your past mistakes

Unfortunately, for many of us, our mistakes are how we constantly tend to define ourselves. In this regard, it is vital that we keep on reminding ourselves that our mistakes aren’t who we are. However, it is important to pick the lessons you have learned from past experiences. However, positive or negative the experience may be. You should be fully aware that life generally tests us first and then teaches us the requisite lessons later. Your mistakes are part of the learning process in life and should be considered as such. Make sure you use the messages in your past to construct a future that’s not only happy and rich but also successful. As one writer aptly puts it, “A man’s mistakes are his portals of discovery.”

4. Avoid negative thoughts or cynicism

When something goes wrong, we always tend to take a more catastrophic way of thinking, often feeling or thinking that a single bad experience implies that our whole life is in shambles and completely ruined. However, nothing could be further from the truth. No matter what goes wrong, always keep in mind that you have the innate strength and ability to rebuild your life and get back on the right track. Even though it is true that you cannot be devoid of negative thoughts, always make a point of challenging any negative thoughts that pop up.

5. Learn to forgive so that you can move forward

Many times, we tend to hold ourselves hostage by failing to not only forgive ourselves for past indiscretions. These indiscretions may have been caused by us or brought upon us by other people. To move forward, you must let go of the pain and hurt that’s been holding you back. By learning to forgive, you will be able to move freely ahead without any hindrances whatsoever as your mind will be free of the baggage that such negative feelings tend to bring about. As a matter of fact, forgiving any past transgressions does you more good than anyone else. Learn to let go so that you can live freely and be able to channel your positive energy and thoughts to some other important aspects of your life.

6. Seek support whenever necessary

No man or a woman is an island. We all need support from time to time; this is especially so if you are facing a difficult past. The support you seek may come in different forms; you can get support from close friends and family members or seek professional help to assist you in working through your past and releasing the negative thoughts and feelings. Always keep in mind that seeking support and help is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, this is a sign of great strength since it shows that you appreciate and know that you need to reach out to others for some assistance.

7. Use your past mistakes to assist others

All of us have things in our past that make us feel low and ashamed from time to time. Don’t let these feelings keep you from forging a new future. As many people will acknowledge, one of the best ways or methods of getting over an issue or a problem is to share your experience with others. You should use your past experiences to assist others who find themselves in similar situations. Using what you are ashamed of to help others is without doubt one of the most effective ways of not helping others tackle the problem at hand but also strengthening your resolve to be a better person in the future.

In conclusion, by applying the tips mentioned above, it is possible to let go of your past successfully.

It does though demand some effort and focus on your part, but it can be done since you have the innate power inside you to embrace a new beginning and start your life afresh.

I hope you enjoyed this article! Please share the knowledge and help a fellow friend or family member benefit from this article.

Till we meet again, have a fabulous day!

With Love,
Zane

Zane Baker is a Master Success Coach & Inspirational Speaker.  He’s also the Co-Founder of The Valhalla Mind Institute & The My Daily Zen Transformational Programs.  Zane serves over 150 thousand subscribers & followers with his free newsletter & personal growth advice on his Facebook page.  His top rated meditation track is available here “The Vision Quest”.  And you can visit his blog at www.ValhallaMind.com

5 Tips for Setting Clear Boundaries Today!

Boundaries_title

Did you ever look back on a relationship or friendship and think to yourself that the signs were there all along?  You were so busy making excuses in your head for the other person that your space, your wants and needs, were clearly being victimized over and over again.  It could even happen at work.  I was once NOT a master at setting boundaries.  I had clients who walked all over me, and messaged me morning, noon and night…like right as I sat down to have time with my family.

I would see the blinking phone light and then see who it was and always be prompt with answering them.  I valued my great customer service as I had the highest number of clients in my business group at one time other than the person above me making 10 times what I made.  But for me, it was about building good relationships.  While I still believe in great customer service and value my clients, I recognized that I let people drain me both physically and mentally in my life.  It was time to put an end to what I was letting happen TO me, and take control so that I could make things better FOR me.

How did I start setting boundaries that were good for me?

  1. I looked at how it made me FEEL when these people didn’t value my time.  It was lots of people.  Friends, clients, and people who were part of my business.  What was the underlying reason I allowed this?  I realized that I let the other person’s “stuff” get to me like it was my own.  Interesting.  What made me a good listener was my empath skills and how I always put myself in the other person’s shoes…sometimes almost literally as I could feel so much more than they told me; however, this was not helping me help them.  I had to learn to separate myself from their feelings.
  2. I had to decide what my core values were and then recognize HOW this person was crossing them.  What matters most to me is honesty, and once I felt this boundary line in relationships being crossed or tested, I was able to see that it made me feel quite literally “sick” and used.  This feeling would come up immediately and I knew it was time to let that person know right then and there that they either weren’t telling me the whole truth, or they were flat-out lying.  It did lead to 2 friendships being severed that were draining…mostly because they were married, but not to each other, and things were getting out of hand with their stories.  I insist on trust in my marriage with my husband of 18 years, so naturally what they did made me feel “sick” again in my stomach.  It was a sign that I had been ignoring…but not anymore.
  3. I couldn’t change their actions…so I changed mine.  I didn’t want to keep repeating Einstein’s definition of insanity.  They kept treating me the same and I kept expecting different results.  The problem was, I was changing.  I was starting to see things clearly and see what I needed to do to surround myself with positive feelings.  Here’s the deal, the grandma who says the same things over and over, the co-worker who gossips about you all day long, the spouse who repeats the same behavior over and over, they aren’t going to suddenly change.  Why wait for what ifs and maybes.  Start putting up those clear lines by changing how you handle them.
  4. Decide clearly HOW you are going to set that boundary and WHAT will happen IF someone crosses the line.  In some cases, it’s only a matter of time before they do x,y,z that you mentioned you don’t like.  Stop.  Assess your feelings, and if you have told them in no uncertain terms not to do this, then it’s up to you on how you move forward.  I realize that people test this, but I am a person who doesn’t mind cutting off ties if it means that my emotional health is still in tact.  Boundaries are all about your needs, and not the other person.  Does this sound hard to do?  Not to me anymore.  Here is why, I had gotten so sick and so drained from trying to take care of everyone at once that I wasn’t able to take care of myself any longer at all.  For me, it was really about living a healthy life again.  I simply had nothing left to give these people who were taking.  I knew that my boundaries were deep inside of me and attached to who I was and that every time I let someone walk all over them, they were showing me that they didn’t value me at all.
  5. I had to mean exactly what I said and then, in order to move forward, I had to let go of any feelings of guilt. I had to get grounded so that I wasn’t made to feel like it was my fault.  Clearly, you need respect in any relationship.  My emotions were valid for me.  It was not about them as I simply had to take care of myself.  Sure we are sometimes afraid of telling people the truth, but if you do, and the other person sends you a hate filled e-mail or writes about how THEY would deal with that situation, or even worse, tries to change your feelings like you can’t and aren’t allowed to feel the way you do, well it’s bye-bye time for me.  They don’t see me again for many years. Trust me when I tell you that it was hard at first, but has gotten to the point now where I can tell who is going to test this, and who is going to respect this.  I have to ground myself daily, and I can’t go into the space where the negative energy lies.  It serves no purpose and I know what my purpose is.  It is really and truly to help others move forward.  

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When An Empath Loves A Narcissist: The Lure Of The Broken Soul

empath loves a narcissistGuest post by Steve Waller

When An Empath Loves A Narcissist: The Lure Of The Broken Soul

They occupy opposite ends of the love spectrum, but empaths and narcissists often find themselves coupled up in unlikely relationships. But why? What is it that attracts one to the other?

This article will focus mainly on why empaths find themselves pulled towards narcissists, how they get trapped, and what they have to do to escape.

What The Empath Sees

Gifted with the ability to sense the underlying emotions and feelings of others, an empath is uniquely placed to see into the depths of a narcissist’s being to the wounded, unhappy soul that resides there.

Upon discovering this pained creature, the instinctual response of the empath is to try to help, heal, and love them.

Before they know it, they become entangled with this narcissist and the toxic relationship begins.

How They Get Sucked In

Narcissists can, when required, display copious amounts of charm and charisma. You might think that empaths would be less susceptible to this artificial persona, but it is precisely because they are beings of love that they wish to see the best in everyone.

They can sense the pain that is hidden behind the smile and the wit, while, at the same time, believing that this act is some sort of suppressed character trying to assert control. They think that they can help free it through their care and affection.

They envisage a time in the future when this narcissistic individual can become a changed person, cured of all their bad traits and free from pain. Once they believe in this possibility, they feel compelled to try to make it a reality.

What Stops Them Leaving

It won’t be too long before an empath begins to regret their decision to get involved with the narcissist. The person they initially fall for will quickly disappear, revealing the true nature of the beast.

The empath will shower love and kindness on the narcissist – to the point where it turns into adoration – in an attempt to purge the pain from them and soothe their damaged spirit.

But to the narcissist, this sort of attention is like a drug; they simply can’t get enough of it. And unfortunately for the empath, it only serves to reinforce the egoistic self-adulation.

Then comes the game playing and manipulation. To maintain their air of superiority, a narcissist will seek to control every situation involving their empath partner. They will use destructive and demeaning language to tear them apart, piece by piece, until they can exert their utter dominance.

In spite of all their good intentions, the empath will find themselves in a trap; one of loving a person who is incapable of caring for them, let alone showing love back.

But they aren’t yet aware of this trap; they continue to seek the narcissist’s affection in a vain attempt to mend the broken heart they see before them. They struggle to understand what is happening to them because, from their position, the behavior of their partner is utterly incomprehensible.

What happens next is quite possibly the most damaging aspect of the whole process: the empath looks at all of the pain and trauma now filling their life and pins the blame squarely on themselves.

Rather than accept that the narcissist is the cause of all their misery like they should, they insist that it is they who have failed. They wrongly believe that all the conflict and resentment in the relationship is their fault; that they somehow didn’t try hard enough to rid their lover of the pain they endure.

From this self-blame grows an unwillingness to do what is required; to break up with their narcissist partner. They proceed to lock themselves in their own prison by forfeiting their right to be happy. They insist that to do so would only heap more misery on the already tormented soul they have such affection for.

How They Finally Break Free

There is only one method of escape for the empath and that is to fully open their eyes to the situation they are in. In order to make a break for freedom, they must first understand that the original lure of the narcissist was misguided.

They must realize that it is nobody’s duty to fix another; that they have no responsibility to stay with their partner any longer. They must accept that whether the narcissist will ever change is not something they have any say in; they can only captain their own ship and it’s time to choose a different course.

This will not, by any means, be the last they hear from the narcissist. In an all-out bid to regain what they see as a possession, they will declare their undying love for the empath, swear they have changed, and make many promises that they know they cannot keep.

They will turn the charm back on and, for a while, the empath may see some of what they initially found so appealing. But if the empath can hold their nerve during this period, the narcissist will eventually unleash a barrage of malicious words and actions in a desperate attempt to pull their victim back in. This can be extremely difficult to endure and it can seem like the whole world is crashing down around you, but you must hold firm.

Leaving a narcissist isn’t the end of the story for the empath; it will take a long time for them to put the pieces of their life back together and even longer to regain their faith in the goodness of other people. But they will have broken the bond that so often draws empaths and narcissists together.

Are you an empath who has been through such a trial? Leave a comment below and share you thoughts and experiences.

Want more help as an Empath?  >> Workbook for your Soul <<

Just for fun, take this quick quiz.

Steve WallerSteve Waller is the founder of A Conscious Rethink – a growing voice in the world of mind, body and spirit. He has benefitted greatly from self-help books and other aspects of the personal development movement, and now wants to share some of his knowledge and wisdom with those who need it. His Facebook page reaches millions of people each week with its mix of inspirational quotes, motivational videos, and helpful articles.

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I am still learning…

I am spiritual.  I have many books beside my bed on God, Jesus, and the teachings of the Bible.  I also have books to help me understand Buddhism.  Furthermore, I just researched the fear of witchcraft for an article I wrote…I am a curious soul.  Why am I writing about this tonight?  Why did it get me out of bed to come type these words?  Because I believe in messages.  Last year, I saw the same message everywhere.  It started to umm, well, get scary, but in a cool way.  Everywhere I looked, the message would pop up.  Okay, as I mentioned, I do have tons of books beside my bed, but I also started seeing the message elsewhere.  I downloaded some apps for my new tablet last year and the first message that popped up was “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, nkjv).

So, apparently, that was a message I needed to learn.  Lately, in all my books, in all my quotes, everywhere, I have seen a message like this: “No, dear friends, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead…” (Philippians 3:13 nlt).  Whatever your religion, this message is a good one to hear.  I am hearing it now until it sinks in.  It’s like this…I am minding my own business when someone runs up to me.  They grab me, tie me up and throw me in the trunk.  It’s dark in there.  I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t think I’m going in the direction that will take me home.  That’s what it’s like to go against your true potential.  You will not find your way home.  You were meant to be somewhere else.

I think the reason this message is popping up for me at this time is because it is one I need to hear.  I have taken a step out onto a branch that could possibly break.  I am trying to reach the one above it just to see if it can be done.  I want to see how far I can go.  Of course it’s safe on the ground.  I could stay there if I wanted, but I would see the same thing.  Once I climb to the top, the view will be amazing.  Yes, there are people yelling “Come back down here where it’s safe!”, but there are also cheers of “You are almost there!  One more branch.”  So I am going to keep looking up.  Moving forward.

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