How to Recover From Being Lied to.

If anyone knows me, they know that I am in essence a lie detector…and I have to tell you, it stinks.  Deception, small or large, bothers me.  Lies of omission, where only part of the truth is told, or a version of the truth, are included in this.

When someone lies to me, first I check in with the gut feeling I get.  I always ask myself these questions:

  • Is it something I have done?  Yes/no?
  • Why wouldn’t they just tell me the truth?
  • Why did they feel the need to lie?

Here’s the truth.  The lie was never about me in any of the cases, but it still hurts just the same.  They obviously felt like they couldn’t tell me the truth because maybe this is always their default pattern.  Again, not my pattern, but theirs.  The reason they felt the need to lie is something that is in them…and that’s actually where my recovery process starts.

How to Recover From Being Lied to:

  1. In the moment, you have a quick decision to make.  Do you know them well enough to call them out on it and what is that going to do to your relationship?  Chances are, if you are reading this, you are just trying to move on with your life because it hurts and you know that calling them out on it isn’t going to change the behavior.  The only behavior we can truly change is our own and our reactions.
  2. Being taken advantage of actually means you are honest…and yes, it still hurts.  I treat people the way I want to be treated.  I would want people to tell me the truth and therefore I think others feel the same way.  This is actually not the case as I have learned over and over again.  Would it change the way I treat others?  No…it just has to change the way I handle that particular person.
  3. I let myself be angry.  I have a friend that I trust and not many fit that list.  I will go to that friend and that friend only to discuss the event.  It helps me to know that I am not alone.  They usually have a story to tell me about something that relates and our personalities are similar so I trust them.  Trust means a whole hell of a lot to me.  It is not something I take lightly.
  4. Lying is a vicious cycle that will catch up to them.  I had a narcissist friend for many years.  The lies were so thick that I think she actually thought she had fooled someone, but it wasn’t me.  Maybe it worked on other people, but I know that one day it will all come out.  It doesn’t matter if I am around or not, it will come out.  This includes co-workers, your boss, friends, partners, business folks, you name them, if they keep it up, they will get caught.
  5. Keep being real.  It really does hurt.  I know this.  Especially if you see evidence in social media right in front of your face numerous times.  You can lower your vibration by stooping to their level or you can rise above.  Countless times I have seen people who have cheated on their spouse, lied about where they are, tagged such in such in a photo proclaiming love, said they were too broke to go out with you then went somewhere else with someone else, you name it.  You know who you are and that’s all that matters.  Why they are doing this is their karma.

If you can move away from the situation over time, it really will help you heal.  Check out these articles for a little bit more:

7 Ways to Notice Someone is Lying

I started this new thing where I ask my readers questions and today’s question really got people going.  Today was about “Lies of Omission”.  Basically someone omits an important detail from a statement; therefore, they are not telling the whole truth.  Sometimes people seem to think these are okay, because they are emitting something…sadly, that is not the case.

The thing is, the truth will come out in the end, and it really does take less effort.  I read an article recently that said telling lies takes longer than telling the truth.  How can we spot the lies?

7 Ways to Notice if Someone is Lying:

  1. The face always tells everything I need to know.  There are some people who try to mask this, but I seem to pick up on certain cues.  For just a second, I can see the person pause, frown, look happy, look sad, or seem to consider their move.  Sometimes its minimal.  Eyebrows, frown lines, etc and then its gone.  Poof.  Like half-a-second.  So I keep watching.
  2. Inconsistencies in their story.  Ahem.  Cough.  Someone is making headlines about that right now.  If you listen to the story and you think, even for a second, something doesn’t sound right here.  You are probably right.  Say, you know, being robbed as an Olympic swimmer.  There are lots of things that don’t always add up, and the truth is hidden under there.  Somewhere.  Listen closely.
  3. Prolonging eye contact during part of the story.  We have always heard the opposite is true, but a new study says that people who really want you to believe something don’t break eye contact.  Interesting.  They are trying hard to convince you that they are honest.  Apparently honest people do break eye contact.  Instead of staring you down.  Like they are using a Jedi mind control trick to hold you there.  Hmm.  Very interesting.
  4. Ask them the unexpected question.  I had a friend who perpetually lied to me about everything in the universe.  Yes.  I knew.  <<< see the blog post about creating distance from these types or this one here about boundaries.  Anyway, whenever I asked unexpected questions, there was silence.  Long pauses and lots of umm, ahh you know.  It was the same thing every time.  No real answer at all.
  5. Check for bad habits to come out.  Excessive lip licking.  Looking down.  Biting nails.  Fidgeting.  Habitual liars still don’t realize they have signs like these that come out.  When a person lies, it actually causes stress on the body and beings out these signs…even running to the bathroom as their stomach hurts.
  6. Saying they are honest as their voice changes tone.  I’m telling you what, the fish was 6 feet, no 7 feet long.  I SWEAR!  I am telling the TRUTH on this one.  Insert other lies here, and listen for the change of tone or the affirmation of honesty.
  7. It’s beginning to sound too familiar or too many details that seem odd are being told.  I would get told over and over well I didn’t know anything about it.  I wasn’t even there.  Yet the person’s friend would tell me she was there, and did know and helped with the details, etc.  Whatever.  If you get to the point where it is the same old thing over and over and you got better things to do than listen to this tall tale, jump over here and have a read at this post. Maybe it is time to nourish a new relationship.  Or build a strong friendship with these 3 tips.

Whatever is going on, chances are, if you are reading this, you might suspect someone is lying to you…more than once.  Remember, your self-esteem isn’t hurting, it’s theirs for lying to you.  We should all be able to look one another in the eye and be honest without fear.  Depending on the person’s motives, it could be they feel you won’t like them or perhaps they are using the lies in a far more hurtful way.  Whatever the case, encourage them to talk to a counselor because sometimes it’s better to have a professional navigate through that than for you to constantly feel caught in this deception.  It will only bring you down. 

Right or easy?

Two lies…

A few things…remember that post where I talked about being Scorpio?  You know the one where I basically said the worst thing you can do to a Scorpio is lie to them or try to manipulate them?  Yeah, that’s the one.  Well, I really wish people walked around with those pop up bubbles above their heads.  For example, mine would say, “Don’t lie to her.  It isn’t worth it.  She knows the truth.”  It would make life easier and simpler if we could be honest.  At least, I think so.

I know a few guys who might have some pop up bubbles referring to a particular cleansing product…that way their future girlfriends already know.  It just really would help some sisters out.  That’s all I’m saying.  Perhaps you know some people and have already thought of what their bubbles would say.  “bat-shit crazy” “liar” “call the police”  These come to mind as being helpful.  Anyway, I guess life is a gamble.  You gamble with friendship.  You gamble with trust.  You even gamble on love.  Sometimes, you get lucky.  Then, there are times, you think it’s about to go your way and you lose it all.

I stay in a state of mild irritation with society most of the time.  Why?  Because I expect more.  My husband tells me that’s my problem.  I have come to expect that people are basically going to do the right thing, and then, when they don’t, I feel let down.  He keeps very few friends close.  He actually expects the opposite.  He expects people are going to let him down, and when they don’t, he is pleasantly surprised.  Every time I make new friends, I hope that they will be people who would get my back like I’d get theirs.  I always hope they won’t let me down…that they would take up for me if needed.  Because the bottom line is, I’d do it for them.  And they know that.  So tonight, I will release the irritation I have been holding and grasp onto this one thought…people are not always going to be able to give me the truth.  It’s ok.  They won’t always have my back.  But the true friends, you know the ones, those are the ones who are worth staying up for.  Those are the ones I would go to jail for.  I hope I never find myself in that situation, but you know what I mean.

LiesEvery lie is two lies — the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it.

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Irritation…

A few things…remember that post where I talked about being Scorpio?  You know the one where I basically said the worst thing you can do to a Scorpio is lie to them or try to manipulate them?  Yeah, that’s the one.  Well, I really wish people walked around with those pop up bubbles above their heads.  For example, mine would say, “Don’t lie to her.  It isn’t worth it.  She knows the truth.”  It would make life easier and simpler if we could be honest.  At least, I think so.

I know a few guys who might have some pop up bubbles referring to a particular cleansing product…that way their future girlfriends already know.  It just really would help some sisters out.  That’s all I’m saying.  Perhaps you know some people and have already thought of what their bubbles would say.  “bat-shit crazy” “liar” “call the police”  These come to mind as being helpful.  Anyway, I guess life is a gamble.  You gamble with friendship.  You gamble with trust.  You even gamble on love.  Sometimes, you get lucky.  Then, there are times, you think it’s about to go your way and you lose it all.

I stay in a state of mild irritation with society most of the time.  Why?  Because I expect more.  My husband tells me that’s my problem.  I have come to expect that people are basically going to do the right thing, and then, when they don’t, I feel let down.  He keeps very few friends close.  He actually expects the opposite.  He expects people are going to let him down, and when they don’t, he is pleasantly surprised.  Every time I make new friends, I hope that they will be people who would get my back like I’d get theirs.  I always hope they won’t let me down…that they would take up for me if needed.  Because the bottom line is, I’d do it for them.  And they know that.  So tonight, I will release the irritation I have been holding and grasp onto this one thought…people are not always going to be able to give me the truth.  It’s ok.  They won’t always have my back.  But the true friends, you know the ones, those are the ones who are worth staying up for.  Those are the ones I would go to jail for.  I hope I never find myself in that situation, but you know what I mean.

LiesEvery lie is two lies — the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it.

Fake Friday…

Fake FridayI do not do “fake” well.  In fact, I don’t do it at all if it can be helped.  I had to make an exception the other day.  I was out with my girls at a popular frozen yogurt spot around here.  I prefer not to go there as it is crowded and trendy.  I like mom and pop joints where you are helping the owner start their business…we have one of those right up the street, but I had a gift card.  We are trying to decide on the choice of yogurt when I hear a voice like Mrs. Doubtfire say “Oh my!  You girls are nearly as tall as I am.”  I turn and register my surprise and try to contain my face from showing my feelings all at the same time.  She is going for nice.  Be nice.  Be nice.  Be nice.  All that took 3 seconds possibly, but in my head it was like Matrix time.

She chatters away asking me where I work and what’s going on with my life, blabbity, blah, blah.  We finish getting our yogurt as my girls add 3,000 toppings, she goes behind the counter to re-fresh the supplies.  I feel some relief as there is now a barrier between us and she can’t fake-hug me again.  As we leave, she says quite cheerily “Come back and see us again girls, stop by any time!”  I nod my head and mumble something unintelligible like “thanks”.

Now, let me explain why I do not care for her.  She was mean to kids.  Period.  MEAN.  TO.  KIDS.  She was fake-nice to parents and then would whisper the most horrible, awful, evil things like a serial killer would say.  You know, the kind who look like everyone should like them, but have some dungeon in their basement like Hannibal Lecter.  That’s her.  She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, but thinks like Mrs. Lecter.  Creepy.  So creepy.

The bottom line folks is because I was trying to make a good impression on my children, I did something I don’t normally do.  Once we got in the car, I asked my girls if they remembered her.  One of them remembered.  She also knew she wasn’t a nice person inside.  All the make-up in the world couldn’t hide her true character.  Remember that.

I teach being true to yourself and I stand by that in everything I do.

“Some people think that the truth can be hidden with a little cover-up and decoration. But as time goes by, what is true is revealed, and what is fake fades away.”  ~Ismail Haniyeh

reveal the truth