It didn’t go as planned…the story of life.

It didn't go as plannedIt didn’t go as planned…what truly ever does?

Do you remember your first day of school?  I don’t really.  I just have a recollection that I was in a dress with a tin lunchbox and it was Mickey Mouse.  I think I picked it out because I watched The Mickey Mouse Club, but I could be wrong and it was all they had.  It’s doubtful I had a plan that first day other than go to school, learn/play, and apparently throw a tantrum over being forced to nap <<< that has since changed.  I will throw a tantrum over not having enough sleep.

I went through school not really having a plan as I wasn’t aware I needed one until I got to high school and was told to pick out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  THE REST of my LIFE?  I was 15 years old.  I wanted to throw on my mix tapes, and listen to some singles of Heavy D and the Boyz, sing along to my Sir Mix-a-lot Swass tape and eat Taco Bell and drive my doo-doo brown car.  I really didn’t have a plan.  I went to soccer practice and got out my frustrations about teenage bitchy girls and how they could be so gossipy and wrong about things, and where did I fit in with this crazy universe.

So when I got to college and finally thought I had things figured out because, by the way, I was one of those kids who didn’t like homework and tests and refused to actually take the SAT, yup, shocking, I went to a 2 year community college where it actually clicked that I needed to work my butt off…and so I graduated Summa Cum Laude…but only because I wanted to.  No one could make me.  <<< and that’s the thing.  You have to decide for yourself what you are going to do and what is worth working for.

So if you don’t know my story by now, just as I was getting my stuff together to be a teacher, I worked really hard at the 4 year college I transferred to, I started to feel awful.  Like physically beat down.  I would sleep more during the day…and have to take later classes.  My skin started acting funny, and the rest is history which you can read here, then continue here.  << Note, if you want to keep reading those, hit the next button at the bottom of the post.  So by 2010, I had been diagnosed with around 7 invisible diseases.  But the thing is this, was that the plan all along?  I actually believe it was so if you didn’t see me speak on this during my Live chat, here it is.  <<<

I have been through more than most and less than others.  I have changed my “plans” to suit those pitfalls and I have tried to hang on for dear life when things get too crazy.  I honestly have to believe this was meant for my highest good.

So my friends, if your life sentence really is “it didn’t go as planned” I want you to think long and hard about whether it really did…because if you ask me, it did.  It was up to me how I navigated those changes to my path, and it is truly up to you how you navigate yours.  Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. ~Ferris Bueller

If you enjoyed this message, I would love to have you read more about my group coaching here for times such as these.  When life doesn’t go as planned…just click the “I need support” button.  Thank you my friends.

3 Reasons You Don’t Trust.

 “Every time I’ve trusted people in the past I’ve been let down, so now it’s easier and less painful to just rely on myself.”  as this thought floats across your subconscious, you begin to feel lonely again, and then angry.  It shouldn’t have to be this hard in relationships, any relationship which includes friendship, to let your guard down without getting hurt.  Sadly, it is a work in progress and you’re about to give up.

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Why is it difficult to trust?

Sometimes, we hold onto anger like a hot coal.  Yes, I got that from Buddha, but he goes on to say that you are the one who gets burned.  You.  Think about it.  You are mad at your spouse.  You have been mad at your spouse for years.  He/she probably doesn’t even know why you are angry anymore.  All you do is constantly talk about it with your friends.  You have not left the spouse yet, instead you stay behind your wall of resentment letting it spill out into all others areas of your life.  Work.  Friendships.  Children.  And finally, your mind.  It’s all-consuming to the point that no matter what anyone does to help you, you cling to that grievance and bitterness until you look up one day and you are all alone.

You have to decide how to get your life back and ask yourself some hard questions.

  1. Is the past holding you back?  I know that people in pain lash out.  But sometimes, enough is enough.  Are you trapped in a victim mentality?  Do you lash out at others and operate on low self-esteem all the time?  Your past experience with broken trust might stem as far back as childhood and you are dragging it around daily.  It is weighing you down.  You have become almost unrecognizable to your friends and they are desperately trying to lighten the load you carry, but you won’t let them.  You are the victim here and unfortunately, your past hurts are now dictating your present and maybe even your future.  Only you can control what is happening within you.  No one else.
  2. Are you harboring unrealistic expectations?  Here’s an interesting thought…do you have unclear expectations and perhaps have not ever voiced them?  Unspoken expectations in any relationship will likely not be heard.  Hmmm.  Think about that.  Trust is huge in a relationship whether or not you realize it and it has to be addressed openly and calmly.  However, oftentimes people don’t try to address it until it is way too late.  For example, I would have rather have had an awkward conversation than be at the front desk checking in when someone said “Sorry I missed your party last night.  We couldn’t make it over.”  And yet my friend had told me she was going to bed when I asked her what she was doing that night as I was trying to make plans with her.  I felt shame wash over me in that moment…my face actually got hot.  She was standing right beside me and lied to me.  I was not worthy of the truth?  That hurts.
  3. Are you defensive instead of honest?  Do you still harbor some resentment from childhood that makes you feel you have to come up with elaborate stories?  Look back at your role models, the people around you, your beliefs…were you lied to as a norm and so have come to accept that you can’t trust people?  If you constantly think you can’t trust people, anyone actually, and are always holding part of you back for fear of getting hurt, you will not experience fulfillment in any of your relationships.  They will feel slightly empty and the only thing to do about it is to finally trust someone with your biggest fears no matter how scary they are.  We can only love someone we trust and trust is actually one of the building blocks to any relationship.  All your interactions with people in life use trust as a foundation.  Think about your performance at work.  If you don’t trust your boss and you think he’s got dirty unethical business practices, are you more likely to work harder?  No you’re not.  You are going to leave work every chance you get.

The people who cannot trust are architects of their own misery.  They begin to see fault where there is none…even if they know you are an honest person.  Part of that is because they don’t know how to be truly honest with themselves.  It is very difficult, but not impossible, to rebuild a relationship after trust is broken; however, one thing is clear.  It takes both parties and you cannot continue to go down the same path.  You have to reign in your old actions, your old ways, your old responses that might be vague.  You have to be clear and have honest expectations.  You have to build your friendship or relationship up, and use good energy because trust me when I say this, the other person knows when you are lying or hiding something from them and it starts to wear down any good relationship.  For more help, see the tab Head|Heart|Health Club for a supportive group.

Escape PlanLike this post?  Feel free to tell me how you have handled a similar experience in a positive way.  ~Aimee

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5 Ways to Stop Obsessing.

Perfectionists are natural ruminators. Julia Cameron writes about this in “The Artist’s Way”:

“Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop–an obsessive, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are writing or painting or making and to lose sight of the whole. Instead of creating freely and allowing errors to reveal themselves later as insights, we often get mired in getting the details right. We correct our originality into a uniformity that lacks passion and spontaneity.”

5 Ways to Stop Obsessing…and move forward:

  1. Forgive yourself…and your need to get everything right.  Just allow yourself to simply “be” and put a name to what is bothering you.  Doubt.  Fear.  Depression.
  2.  Get to the real cause.  If you are constantly shopping, for example, maybe the underlying cause is anxiety or depression.  Your mindless shopping takes your mind off of your current problems and makes you feel good.  Don’t drown in new shoes though…talk to someone about your feelings like a medical professional.
  3. Stay in the present moment.  Do you notice a theme here?  Most of the time, our obsessions come from thinking too far ahead in the future, or too far back in the past.  It’s like we have a time machine in our head…and think that by thinking about it over and over again, we are going to change things.  The moment you can best control is the here and now.  Start pulling yourself back when you realize you are gone again.
  4. Make time to think about it…later.  If you simply can’t do number 3 ^^^, then tell your thoughts they have to wait until you can journal them out later.  Seriously.  When you are ready to journal, set a timer for 10 minutes and writer about whatever is bothering you.  Keep to the time though because after that 10 minutes, you have to come back to the present.
  5. Get the facts.  Your brain has made up an elaborate story of something that recently occurred.  Complete with parts for all the players involved in your mind and a script of what they might have said.  The thing is, no one told them.  You wrote the play, directed it, and had them saying things that didn’t even come out the way it happened in your head…and get this.  You got mad at them without ever giving them a chance to tell their side.

This brings me to my last point.  I despise the word judge because we all do it.  There.  I said it.  We do.  Now is the part where you are thinking, I never judge, blah, blah, blah.  I have never, ever met a person who did not even accidentally make a statement without knowing all the facts.  But you are not your thoughts, and it’s okay.  Maybe your mind went there for a second, and maybe it is still there.  The second, minute, or even hour isn’t so bad.  It’s staying there that gets you in that loop.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive others.  Move forward.  Stop the ruminations that turn into obsessions.

Obsession is the single most wasteful human activity, because with an obsession you keep coming back and back and back to the same question and never get an answer.  ~Norman Mailer

DecideStill need help journaling, moving forward or stopping unwanted thoughts?  Check out the Head|Heart|Health Club tab.

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Heal me now…

Do you ever have one of those conversations with yourself about getting better?  What about doing things in life?  Lately, I have been saying a few things over and over in my head when I wake up.  If it is going to be a particularly challenging day, one which involves actually leaving the house, I know, but true, I say to myself that I can do it.  I am getting better.  I do that with things I put off.  Like right now.  I want to cancel something tomorrow.  Sorry if you are reading this friend, but it’s true.  Seeing you is difficult so I avoid it.  Haha, before someone reads into this, this is a type of chiropractic help I go to…applied kinesiology AND it is difficult.  So I put it off.  It hurts.  A LOT.  Like my mom can hear me in the other room when I go.  And that’s with me gritting my teeth.

I told my friend I was going to slap her on Friday if she pushed on me one more time.  And I actually LIKE her.  She knows.  It doesn’t hurt her feelings…because she asks me to come back.  So normal folks can plan something a few days in a row.  I normally can’t.  Not everyone gets that.  I also can’t do cold much anymore as my hands don’t want to bend which honestly just pisses me off.  So I go out anyway every Thursday and do my job and ignore it.  A girl tried to give me some excuse a few weeks ago and I looked her straight in the eye and I said “Listen.  I get being “sick”.  I do.  But you don’t have to act like it.  We have a job to do.”  End of story.

I have to be practical and blunt.  I can’t even accept excuses from myself so I sure as hell don’t want to hear them from other people.  There are many people I have had to cut out of my life because they don’t understand and they still aren’t honest with me…or themselves for that matter.  So if you are reading this and you have an invisible disease, please please stop feeling sorry for yourself today.  You can feel sorry yourself maybe once a month.  Tops.  I give you that day.  But not every single day.  If you are in a “support” group where it’s everyday you are complaining, that will become your life.  Get. Out.  Leave the group.  Seriously.  One day.  And one day only.

This message was brought to you from Cher.  Like in Moonstruck.  I am virtually slapping you.  Snap out of it!!

Author’s note:  I created a program from my years of pain to help you virtually snap out of it!  While I am not there with you, I am in spirit and through my carefully designed tasks to help you start to feel better, you can improve.  Please read about 4 Weeks to Wellness.

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Forgive yourself…

You only have to look at the skin on my fingers to realize I might, erm, have some anxiety.  I was reading this long train of comments some of my friends wrote and I realized how it helps to just get it out.  To name what is bothering us.  I have never once regretted a single blog post.  Not even if others read into it.  They own that, not me.  Before “judging” me, they didn’t call me up and say, hey, you know I was wondering about what this part here meant.  Nope.  They also have anxiety, fear, and self-doubt and they let those things control them instead of love.

I think part of the problem can be explained in this quote passage:  Perfectionists are natural ruminators. Julia Cameron writes about this in “The Artist’s Way”:

“Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop–an obsessive, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are writing or painting or making and to lose sight of the whole. Instead of creating freely and allowing errors to reveal themselves later as insights, we often get mired in getting the details right. We correct our originality into a uniformity that lacks passion and spontaneity.”  That can be found in this slide-show about 15 Ways to Stop Obsessing.

Some people, no matter how wrong they are, would rather sit there in their wrongness than accept any responsibility for what happens…because they want to have the last word, or get the “details” right so you can know what you have done wrong.  Unfortunately, after being programmed this way for most of our lives, it takes a strong person to admit they were wrong to begin with.

Lastly, I despise the word judge because we all do it.  There.  I said it.  We do.  Now is the part where you are thinking, I never judge, blah, blah, blah.  I have never, ever met a person who did not even accidentally make a statement without knowing all the facts.  But you are not your thoughts, and it’s okay.  Maybe your mind went there for a second, and maybe it is still there.  The second, minute, or even hour isn’t so bad.  It’s staying there that gets you in that loop.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive others.  Move forward.

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I am still learning…

I am spiritual.  I have many books beside my bed on God, Jesus, and the teachings of the Bible.  I also have books to help me understand Buddhism.  Furthermore, I just researched the fear of witchcraft for an article I wrote…I am a curious soul.  Why am I writing about this tonight?  Why did it get me out of bed to come type these words?  Because I believe in messages.  Last year, I saw the same message everywhere.  It started to umm, well, get scary, but in a cool way.  Everywhere I looked, the message would pop up.  Okay, as I mentioned, I do have tons of books beside my bed, but I also started seeing the message elsewhere.  I downloaded some apps for my new tablet last year and the first message that popped up was “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, nkjv).

So, apparently, that was a message I needed to learn.  Lately, in all my books, in all my quotes, everywhere, I have seen a message like this: “No, dear friends, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead…” (Philippians 3:13 nlt).  Whatever your religion, this message is a good one to hear.  I am hearing it now until it sinks in.  It’s like this…I am minding my own business when someone runs up to me.  They grab me, tie me up and throw me in the trunk.  It’s dark in there.  I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t think I’m going in the direction that will take me home.  That’s what it’s like to go against your true potential.  You will not find your way home.  You were meant to be somewhere else.

I think the reason this message is popping up for me at this time is because it is one I need to hear.  I have taken a step out onto a branch that could possibly break.  I am trying to reach the one above it just to see if it can be done.  I want to see how far I can go.  Of course it’s safe on the ground.  I could stay there if I wanted, but I would see the same thing.  Once I climb to the top, the view will be amazing.  Yes, there are people yelling “Come back down here where it’s safe!”, but there are also cheers of “You are almost there!  One more branch.”  So I am going to keep looking up.  Moving forward.

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Motivational Monday…

Thoughts are swirling around in my head like dark thunder clouds.  Threatening rain at any moment.  I have to get control over them or bring an umbrella.  Emotions are a powerful storm and predicting when they are going to form is difficult…just ask our local weather people.  All that aside, there are a few things you can do to stay on top of what is happening to you.  I am going to try to help you as I help myself.

  1. Journal-  I have mentioned this before, but keeping a journal or note pad nearby helps.  Write what you are feeling and acknowledge it, but let it pass.  The feeling does not control you.  You control it.
  2. Cry-  If needed, have a great big sob fest.  Once it is over, stop thinking about it.  Start thinking about the present once again and what you can do to stay in the moment.  Go do a few dull tasks like folding laundry or making a list for the store.
  3. Exercise-  Go for a walk.  It really helps me focus on my breathing and the gift of nature.  I know to some people this sounds silly, but I love looking at the trees.  I think about how big the world is, and how my problems might seem big at the moment, but in the grand scheme of things, they will pass.
  4. Think first-  Now, I’m going to be honest.  Ahem.  This one is really hard for me.  If I have a lot on my plate, I have a hard time doing this.  I saw a wonderful lady speak last year and her name is Lysa TerKeurst.  Her energy and honesty knocked me off my feet.  I bought her book, and tried to practice what she preached about coming “Unglued”.  That was the name of her book, and I knew I could fit into the categories she described.  I sometimes explode.  Period.  I am working on that and probably always will.
  5. Consider options-  I am getting better at this.  There is more than one way to face something and I have started removing myself from the situation.  Period.  No going back.  I don’t mind burning bridges all the way down to the ground.  That sounds a bit extreme, but if it isn’t working and it hasn’t worked for a while, why go back there?  I slowly remove myself from those situations and decide that I need new options.
  6. Find the good-  This one is hard, I know.  Why did this happen to me?  I don’t understand.  Neither do I, but focusing on the negative does not help.  You know that.  I know that.  We all know that.  Pick yourself up by the seat of your pants like the Lorax, and move on.  Poof.  I am doing that.

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The ostrich philosophy…

Some time ago, there was a situation with a certain family I know.  People were being obtuse, and things were happening all around them that they did not see.  It gradually escalated, and the person who was caught up in it kindly wrote an e-mail saying they were out of that situation until things changed.  Now, a similar situation is happening to someone I know and they need to step away for their sanity (wait, that’s me).

When you can’t change someone or a situation because people around you are sticking their heads in the sand and ignoring all the bad parts of life, but praising the one good thing they managed to catch, it is frustrating.  They claim they are defending the situation when in reality, they are enabling it.  They are approving of it by their very silence.  In order to prevent it from happening again, they would have to actually acknowledge the situation, which for some reason, they are not ready to do.  The situation has all the power and controls them.  They do not control the situation and it becoming more and more obvious.

It is necessary that you get your bearings when you are dealing with something like this and here are a few ways you can get control back over your life.

  1. Establish boundaries with the people responsible.  “You can’t paddle another man’s canoe for him.”  Isn’t it time they learned something for themselves?
  2. You can’t fix the problem, but you sure can fix how you react to it.  Do not let it control you.  Ignoring it DOES NOT make it go away.  Thanks for trying.  How’s that working out for you so far?
  3. Be consistent.  Don’t let lies cover up the situation.   Mean what you say and say what you mean.  Someone taught me that once.
  4. Ask yourself if you are making FACT based decisions or excuses?  Be real with yourself.
  5. Above all else, uphold your morals.  If sticking your head in the sand makes you feel great and upholds your values, by all means continue.

I found this link about talking to people here.  The people in my life don’t believe in talking.  I suppose they are waiting for the situation to magically fix itself.  Ha.  Fat chance that will ever happen without your HELP.

 

‎"Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own." -Robert Tew

“It’s not the load that breaks you down – its the way you carry it”  ~Lou Holtz