On Speaking Your Truth (and how to release the outcome)

Dear friends,

How difficult is it for you to stand up for yourself in a way that honors your spirit and soul and yet allows you to release the outcome?  If you are like me, this might be difficult.  As I write from the heart about my experiences, I have had many days where after I hit the publish on a post I want to take it back.  One such day was the day I poured out my heart and soul on my empath post.

I was getting messages, friend requests and more.  The Facebook fan page always welcomes my fans and I appreciate your many messages of support.  What I did not expect was outright plagiarism of my work.  This did not come my fans, but other sites claiming to work from the heart.  Working from the heart, using my experiences.  Interesting.

So as I work through speaking the truth without fear of my voice being stolen, I would like to offer you some advice. <<< By the way, I feel like Ariel and the Sea-witch Ursula.  Sites trying to lure people in…using other voices.

On Speaking Your Truth:

  1. Live by being authentic.  If I would advise you on something, I better be ready to do the same thing.  I want to give you genuine advice that I would want given to me.  That is pretty simple to follow.
  2. Live by example.  If you tell the world that you wouldn’t do something, but you do it anyway, well, there really is no truth in that.  My for example is that now the site of my stolen work has a disclaimer saying I can nicely ask them to take it down.  I tried that, but then they just re-wrote it slightly different, still using my experiences.  Interesting.
  3. Have the courage to speak up…without fear that you are doing something wrong.  You know the old saying, two wrongs don’t make a right?  Well, if you speak up about an issue that is important to you, and you do so in a manner that is true to you, as nice as you think you can be in this situation just stating plain facts, you are doing what you felt called to do.  You can still walk away with your head high because you tried to do the right thing.
  4. Only take care of you.  This one is hard because you really want the other person to do the right thing and understand how you feel in this situation, but the bottom line is, they might not care.  You can’t micromanage the feelings that the other person should have.  This is very difficult if you are someone who feels very deeply.  The other person might be emotionally detached from the situation and therefore, just not be invested in the outcome like you are.
  5. Let. It. Go.  How many of you get to this point, but just stay in the driver seat like Thelma and Louise going over the cliff?  Yup.  You are not sure what to do.  I get it because I am just like you.  Letting go requires that we have a greater faith in the universe and God (or whatever you believe), and that we are being supported as we go through the hard things in life.  Trust me.  You guys have read my about me.  I honestly believe that I am being supported as I navigate life and that each step is to show me something I might not have considered before.

As I stared at my work being taken, a feeling of sadness overtook me.  What am I supposed to learn from this?  How can I protect myself and my readers? 

If you read through a blog article and you get to the bottom of the article, look to see if the source is there, really hidden away.  If it was taken from another blog without that person knowing, go directly to the blog and say something like “Hey, I just read this on this site called Steal All Your Stuff (fake name).”  Here is where I found it, and copy the link.  These sites have no photos usually of the owner and appear to have fake names as well.  Why are they hiding?

Usually, if permission was given, the source will be credited right at the beginning saying guest post from X.  Or used with author’s permission from X source.  It will be boldly at the top…not hidden away, with another author’s name at the top like they wrote it.  Also, what I have found is that sites who work correctly also give a nice author’s bio at the bottom.  This benefits both sites.  It shows that the author has in fact, given his/her blessing.

It’s sometimes difficult to be an advocate for yourself, but hopefully if you advocate for others, it will get easier to tell your truth as well. 

breathe

7 Ways to Notice Someone is Lying

I started this new thing where I ask my readers questions and today’s question really got people going.  Today was about “Lies of Omission”.  Basically someone omits an important detail from a statement; therefore, they are not telling the whole truth.  Sometimes people seem to think these are okay, because they are emitting something…sadly, that is not the case.

The thing is, the truth will come out in the end, and it really does take less effort.  I read an article recently that said telling lies takes longer than telling the truth.  How can we spot the lies?

7 Ways to Notice if Someone is Lying:

  1. The face always tells everything I need to know.  There are some people who try to mask this, but I seem to pick up on certain cues.  For just a second, I can see the person pause, frown, look happy, look sad, or seem to consider their move.  Sometimes its minimal.  Eyebrows, frown lines, etc and then its gone.  Poof.  Like half-a-second.  So I keep watching.
  2. Inconsistencies in their story.  Ahem.  Cough.  Someone is making headlines about that right now.  If you listen to the story and you think, even for a second, something doesn’t sound right here.  You are probably right.  Say, you know, being robbed as an Olympic swimmer.  There are lots of things that don’t always add up, and the truth is hidden under there.  Somewhere.  Listen closely.
  3. Prolonging eye contact during part of the story.  We have always heard the opposite is true, but a new study says that people who really want you to believe something don’t break eye contact.  Interesting.  They are trying hard to convince you that they are honest.  Apparently honest people do break eye contact.  Instead of staring you down.  Like they are using a Jedi mind control trick to hold you there.  Hmm.  Very interesting.
  4. Ask them the unexpected question.  I had a friend who perpetually lied to me about everything in the universe.  Yes.  I knew.  <<< see the blog post about creating distance from these types or this one here about boundaries.  Anyway, whenever I asked unexpected questions, there was silence.  Long pauses and lots of umm, ahh you know.  It was the same thing every time.  No real answer at all.
  5. Check for bad habits to come out.  Excessive lip licking.  Looking down.  Biting nails.  Fidgeting.  Habitual liars still don’t realize they have signs like these that come out.  When a person lies, it actually causes stress on the body and beings out these signs…even running to the bathroom as their stomach hurts.
  6. Saying they are honest as their voice changes tone.  I’m telling you what, the fish was 6 feet, no 7 feet long.  I SWEAR!  I am telling the TRUTH on this one.  Insert other lies here, and listen for the change of tone or the affirmation of honesty.
  7. It’s beginning to sound too familiar or too many details that seem odd are being told.  I would get told over and over well I didn’t know anything about it.  I wasn’t even there.  Yet the person’s friend would tell me she was there, and did know and helped with the details, etc.  Whatever.  If you get to the point where it is the same old thing over and over and you got better things to do than listen to this tall tale, jump over here and have a read at this post. Maybe it is time to nourish a new relationship.  Or build a strong friendship with these 3 tips.

Whatever is going on, chances are, if you are reading this, you might suspect someone is lying to you…more than once.  Remember, your self-esteem isn’t hurting, it’s theirs for lying to you.  We should all be able to look one another in the eye and be honest without fear.  Depending on the person’s motives, it could be they feel you won’t like them or perhaps they are using the lies in a far more hurtful way.  Whatever the case, encourage them to talk to a counselor because sometimes it’s better to have a professional navigate through that than for you to constantly feel caught in this deception.  It will only bring you down. 

Right or easy?

5 Signs You are Being Treated Like a Doormat

You always say yes.  Even when it’s inconvenient timing or you are about to eat dinner.  Your friend “needs” you yet again or your partner asks you to do this one little thing he or she just doesn’t have time to do.  You might even be the go-to person at work…working long after hours, because the boss just knows that you will say yes.  Yes, sure I will do this.

What are the signs?

  1. You try to have a good nature about everything…so it gets used.  Because you naturally want something great to happen for your friend, they ask you to do more things like that.  Plan an outing, sure.  Keep their kids all day?  Why not.  You were only going to relax from exhaustion.  Pay for everything because they always forget their money <<< wait.  Big sign.  Big.  Let’s split this bill?  But they ordered lobster, 2 martinis and a flaming desert brought to the table by a monkey wearing a fez.  You ordered water and a salad.  Say no to splitting the bill.
  2. What you do is clearly not appreciated...in fact, they act surprised if you mention they asked you to do x, y, z for them last weekend so you can’t right now.  They do not reciprocate at all, nor will they ever.  Never.  Be honest with yourself.  How is this making you feel right now?  Are you beating yourself up for being so nice…and feeling used right now?  Write down your thoughts about the last time someone used you.
  3. One set of rules for them…another for you.  This one is huge.  I had an acquaintance, I thought she was a friend actually, but I know better now, who said that a few things I did were not okay.  If I made an observation for example, I was automatically judging OR gossiping.  But she could turn around and say “Oh look at so and so.  Umm.  I just don’t like them….what do you think <<<” At that time, and that time only, I could answer.  This borders on “policing” your behavior.  Being told what you can and can’t do.  It would be okay for her to act this way, but not me.  Snapping at you in front of adults, yet had you done the same thing, you would have heard about it.  This is setting limitations on what you can do, but they think it doesn’t apply to them.  This is manipulation in a friendship or relationship and it is wrong.
  4. Being treated this way makes you feel isolated and alone.  How you feel about this treatment is often ignored as well…but you are not alone.  You should not feel ashamed to speak out on someone who likes to use double standards in a relationship or friendship.  They have the do as I say not as I do attitude, but clearly you are starting to see this.  Get out now.  Go to counseling, therapy, write about it, but leave and don’t feel bad.  This is NOT about you.  It’s about them.  All about them.  They will continue to manipulate your feelings and try to turn it around so it is your fault.  It isn’t.
  5. They rarely contact you first…unless they need something.  In any type of relationship, whether it is home, friendship, relationship, work, or family, the only contact you get is when they need something.  I am learning to put up better barriers against this, but this is a big sign to me that I am not important.  They are too busy to listen to you, contact you, etc, but the moment they need something, the story changes.  My ex-sister-in-law comes to mind right now as well as a few others who are no longer in my life.  But I wouldn’t hear from that girl unless she wanted to bash my brother or have me babysit.  Period.  That was it for our entire “friendship”.  When I was really ill, she called me.  To ask me for a favor.  Didn’t know I was bad off.  Didn’t ever ask.  Not once.  That was the last time she called because I finally told her that I knew she only called me for 2 reasons and never once in 7 years asked me how I was doing.

How to handle it now.

  1. Talk to them first.  If you don’t you only have yourself to blame.
  2. If talking doesn’t improve anything at all, use distance.
  3. If distance doesn’t work as well as you’d like, make yourself completely unavailable to them for a very long time.
  4. If all else fails, leave the relationship or friendship so that you can make room for new people in your life who truly value you, your gifts and what you have to offer others.
  5. Start your own self-care routines that truly focus on your wellnessreserves

Want more help?  See the Work With Me tab as my Closed Group frequently does lots of work around setting up safe boundaries.

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Jack the Ripper…

Some years back, I traveled to London with a college group.  We were actually studying Children’s Literature in England; however, we got to do some additional excursions.  On reflection of one of the most famous London Walks, The “Jack the Ripper” walk, I wrote this:

It was your typical foggy night. Standing outside the pub in Whitechapel, I decided to have my friend walk me home. We talked about ordinary things like the weather and the latest news. We both worked late shifts and were tired. As we walked, the hairs on the back of my neck started to stand on end. I couldn’t say what was causing it, just a sense something was off.  My friend started talking about the latest girl who was found murdered nearby and what a shame it was that the girl would not see her lover again.  Perhaps that’s what did it…the mention of a lover.  I knew first hand who the girl was because she kept a room next to me.  I glanced around casually, and noticed that the streets were deserted.  The time was pretty late or early in the morning depending on your view.  I looked at the dirty cobbled streets and made a quick decision.  I pretended a rock was in my shoe and told my friend to stop a minute. Carefully taking my shoes off, I threw one at him and asked him to have a look for the rock. While he was busy catching the shoe, I made a break for it.  I knew how far it was to find the nearest “Bobbie” and I also knew who the girls’ lover was.  I would not be next Jack.  Not this time.

 

It was just meant to be a teaser if you will.  A short little piece on how someone would have felt if they figured out who the murderer was seconds before they realized they were in danger.  Naturally, when I just heard moments ago, that they believe to have identified the killer after all these years, I was intrigued.  Read more here if you are interested:  Jack the Ripper Unmasked

It was only a mater of time…give or take a 126 years.

 

hidden truth

Motivational Monday…

Last week, my friend was in a terrible car accident that could have been very, very bad.  She has whiplash, but her car was totaled.  I thanked God when I found out that she and her passenger were able to walk away.  A drunk driver did not stop.  He did not even seem to see the car and smashed right into her bumper.  I read one book nightly, but I don’t usually talk about it here.  It is a devotional book that helps me focus my prayers at night.  I reflect on things and how to proceed from there.

Last night, my friend was messaging me and we talked about her pain.  She said something that was so profound for me, that I want to repeat it, and I know she won’t mind.  She said “I want to forget it, but I hurt, so I can’t.”  Wow.  I knew exactly how she felt.  We then talked about a recent situation in my life and she said “Some people have so much pain in their life that they need to slop it over everyone they encounter.  They have to keep engaging people with that pain.  It is how they communicate.”

I then knew I had done the right thing.  I have walked away from two situations that are not mine to fix.  They never were.  It was never about me at all.  I realized that these people like to be reminded of their pain.  They like to argue.  Nothing I say or do will ever change that.  They have to be willing to fix that for themselves and honestly, I don’t know if they can.

Don’t let your words be motivated by pain.  Don’t be afraid to walk away from someone who doesn’t deserve your time.  Remember what they say about that one bad apple…it really does spoil the bunch.

somepeopleTruth.

Fake Friday…

Fake FridayI do not do “fake” well.  In fact, I don’t do it at all if it can be helped.  I had to make an exception the other day.  I was out with my girls at a popular frozen yogurt spot around here.  I prefer not to go there as it is crowded and trendy.  I like mom and pop joints where you are helping the owner start their business…we have one of those right up the street, but I had a gift card.  We are trying to decide on the choice of yogurt when I hear a voice like Mrs. Doubtfire say “Oh my!  You girls are nearly as tall as I am.”  I turn and register my surprise and try to contain my face from showing my feelings all at the same time.  She is going for nice.  Be nice.  Be nice.  Be nice.  All that took 3 seconds possibly, but in my head it was like Matrix time.

She chatters away asking me where I work and what’s going on with my life, blabbity, blah, blah.  We finish getting our yogurt as my girls add 3,000 toppings, she goes behind the counter to re-fresh the supplies.  I feel some relief as there is now a barrier between us and she can’t fake-hug me again.  As we leave, she says quite cheerily “Come back and see us again girls, stop by any time!”  I nod my head and mumble something unintelligible like “thanks”.

Now, let me explain why I do not care for her.  She was mean to kids.  Period.  MEAN.  TO.  KIDS.  She was fake-nice to parents and then would whisper the most horrible, awful, evil things like a serial killer would say.  You know, the kind who look like everyone should like them, but have some dungeon in their basement like Hannibal Lecter.  That’s her.  She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, but thinks like Mrs. Lecter.  Creepy.  So creepy.

The bottom line folks is because I was trying to make a good impression on my children, I did something I don’t normally do.  Once we got in the car, I asked my girls if they remembered her.  One of them remembered.  She also knew she wasn’t a nice person inside.  All the make-up in the world couldn’t hide her true character.  Remember that.

I teach being true to yourself and I stand by that in everything I do.

“Some people think that the truth can be hidden with a little cover-up and decoration. But as time goes by, what is true is revealed, and what is fake fades away.”  ~Ismail Haniyeh

reveal the truth

Motivational Monday…

I need to warn you that I have not been myself since August.  Some people realize it.  Some don’t.  It’s okay.  I found this awesome quote for my friend, and I am going to post it on my Facebook Burned Hand Page

In looking for that quote, it lead me to another discovery…I know I am not alone.  When people ask me how I am doing, I give the cursory “I’m here” if I’m really struggling or the “Okay” if I am indeed okay.  I know that when we ask people how they are doing as we pass them, we are expecting a short answer.  Only those who seek me out and say “Hey, I noticed you have been missing.  Are you doing okay?”  get the real answer.  Several of my friends are going through tough times right now, and I am thinking of them even though they might answer the question the same way I do.  I know you are not okay, and it’s okay to tell me.  I just want you to know that.  So while this might not seem like a motivation, it actually is.  I am motivating you to be real with yourself and your close friends.  The ones who look you in the eye and know.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”  ~Jim Morrison