How to Recover From Being Lied to.

If anyone knows me, they know that I am in essence a lie detector…and I have to tell you, it stinks.  Deception, small or large, bothers me.  Lies of omission, where only part of the truth is told, or a version of the truth, are included in this.

When someone lies to me, first I check in with the gut feeling I get.  I always ask myself these questions:

  • Is it something I have done?  Yes/no?
  • Why wouldn’t they just tell me the truth?
  • Why did they feel the need to lie?

Here’s the truth.  The lie was never about me in any of the cases, but it still hurts just the same.  They obviously felt like they couldn’t tell me the truth because maybe this is always their default pattern.  Again, not my pattern, but theirs.  The reason they felt the need to lie is something that is in them…and that’s actually where my recovery process starts.

How to Recover From Being Lied to:

  1. In the moment, you have a quick decision to make.  Do you know them well enough to call them out on it and what is that going to do to your relationship?  Chances are, if you are reading this, you are just trying to move on with your life because it hurts and you know that calling them out on it isn’t going to change the behavior.  The only behavior we can truly change is our own and our reactions.
  2. Being taken advantage of actually means you are honest…and yes, it still hurts.  I treat people the way I want to be treated.  I would want people to tell me the truth and therefore I think others feel the same way.  This is actually not the case as I have learned over and over again.  Would it change the way I treat others?  No…it just has to change the way I handle that particular person.
  3. I let myself be angry.  I have a friend that I trust and not many fit that list.  I will go to that friend and that friend only to discuss the event.  It helps me to know that I am not alone.  They usually have a story to tell me about something that relates and our personalities are similar so I trust them.  Trust means a whole hell of a lot to me.  It is not something I take lightly.
  4. Lying is a vicious cycle that will catch up to them.  I had a narcissist friend for many years.  The lies were so thick that I think she actually thought she had fooled someone, but it wasn’t me.  Maybe it worked on other people, but I know that one day it will all come out.  It doesn’t matter if I am around or not, it will come out.  This includes co-workers, your boss, friends, partners, business folks, you name them, if they keep it up, they will get caught.
  5. Keep being real.  It really does hurt.  I know this.  Especially if you see evidence in social media right in front of your face numerous times.  You can lower your vibration by stooping to their level or you can rise above.  Countless times I have seen people who have cheated on their spouse, lied about where they are, tagged such in such in a photo proclaiming love, said they were too broke to go out with you then went somewhere else with someone else, you name it.  You know who you are and that’s all that matters.  Why they are doing this is their karma.

If you can move away from the situation over time, it really will help you heal.  Check out these articles for a little bit more:

How to Avoid Being Used by a Scammer

A scam can be defined as a fraudulent business scheme.  Sometime we refer to the people who do this as con artists or scammers.  Before the internet, it was actually harder to scam people.  Go figure.  In one of my posts, I mention looking for websites that don’t seem to have a point of contact, photos of the person, or just seem off somehow.  What they are offering you sounds too good to be true.  We are going to explore that just a little bit further.

Scammers, fakes, and con artists have one thing in common.  The story never adds up completely.  They might have built an elaborate web of lies meant to confuse you and others just like you.  They look for a spot where you might be emotionally weak, and when they find it, they go in deep.  This has happened to me before with the sale of a timeshare.  Yup.  Something never added up about the company that offered to sell my timeshare.  Always do a background check.  In this case, I had and nothing was coming up…yet.  Just a feeling that this was wrong.

A few warning signs you might be able to spot:

  1. They seem too good to be true with their credentials, history and background of elaborate stories.
  2. They constantly praise you, reach out to you, and confide things in you that you are not supposed to tell anyone.
  3. They have an uncanny way of staring at you or speaking about themselves as if they are the answer to your needs.
  4. They won’t give you exact details of where the money is going, but they really need it right away.  They appreciate you giving to x, y, and z charity.
  5. Note: If you want to help a charity, do your research and see if they disclose their financials, explain what they do, or even provide evidence of non-profit status.  They should be well-regarded by other organizations in their field and known for their work.  If you can’t find anyone they have previously helped with documented sources and testimonials, it might not be real.
  6. The best type of scams will play off your emotions…be aware of the hook they are using.

One thing that is best for all of us to learn in this digital age is NOT to reveal too much information the person can use.  Keep a healthy distance and observe their behavior.  Oftentimes, they change wording several times on what their end mission is going to be.  They are trying to map out the best copy to get the most bang…for your buck.

These people are actually incredibly adapt at changing their personalities as the need arises.  Most of the time, these people will hide behind their computers…unless they have bigger visions for their plans.  Just note any irrational behavior, anger at you not doing exactly what they asked you to do, or excuses that they use to cover things up.  These people are trying to gain your trust so that in the long run, they can use your wallet.  If someone new in your life is asking for money, it is time to reflect on the above tips and see what happens when you give them space.

If someone is trying to intimidate or verbally abuse you because you have gotten wise to their game, remember, you can walk away and report it to the proper authorities.  I reported the timeshare group to everyone I knew, lodged complaints with my bank against the group and warned many others that it was a scam.  Don’t wait until the person has your money.  Be smart and stay safe.

You might also enjoy this article.

Bad Company

7 Ways to Notice Someone is Lying

I started this new thing where I ask my readers questions and today’s question really got people going.  Today was about “Lies of Omission”.  Basically someone omits an important detail from a statement; therefore, they are not telling the whole truth.  Sometimes people seem to think these are okay, because they are emitting something…sadly, that is not the case.

The thing is, the truth will come out in the end, and it really does take less effort.  I read an article recently that said telling lies takes longer than telling the truth.  How can we spot the lies?

7 Ways to Notice if Someone is Lying:

  1. The face always tells everything I need to know.  There are some people who try to mask this, but I seem to pick up on certain cues.  For just a second, I can see the person pause, frown, look happy, look sad, or seem to consider their move.  Sometimes its minimal.  Eyebrows, frown lines, etc and then its gone.  Poof.  Like half-a-second.  So I keep watching.
  2. Inconsistencies in their story.  Ahem.  Cough.  Someone is making headlines about that right now.  If you listen to the story and you think, even for a second, something doesn’t sound right here.  You are probably right.  Say, you know, being robbed as an Olympic swimmer.  There are lots of things that don’t always add up, and the truth is hidden under there.  Somewhere.  Listen closely.
  3. Prolonging eye contact during part of the story.  We have always heard the opposite is true, but a new study says that people who really want you to believe something don’t break eye contact.  Interesting.  They are trying hard to convince you that they are honest.  Apparently honest people do break eye contact.  Instead of staring you down.  Like they are using a Jedi mind control trick to hold you there.  Hmm.  Very interesting.
  4. Ask them the unexpected question.  I had a friend who perpetually lied to me about everything in the universe.  Yes.  I knew.  <<< see the blog post about creating distance from these types or this one here about boundaries.  Anyway, whenever I asked unexpected questions, there was silence.  Long pauses and lots of umm, ahh you know.  It was the same thing every time.  No real answer at all.
  5. Check for bad habits to come out.  Excessive lip licking.  Looking down.  Biting nails.  Fidgeting.  Habitual liars still don’t realize they have signs like these that come out.  When a person lies, it actually causes stress on the body and beings out these signs…even running to the bathroom as their stomach hurts.
  6. Saying they are honest as their voice changes tone.  I’m telling you what, the fish was 6 feet, no 7 feet long.  I SWEAR!  I am telling the TRUTH on this one.  Insert other lies here, and listen for the change of tone or the affirmation of honesty.
  7. It’s beginning to sound too familiar or too many details that seem odd are being told.  I would get told over and over well I didn’t know anything about it.  I wasn’t even there.  Yet the person’s friend would tell me she was there, and did know and helped with the details, etc.  Whatever.  If you get to the point where it is the same old thing over and over and you got better things to do than listen to this tall tale, jump over here and have a read at this post. Maybe it is time to nourish a new relationship.  Or build a strong friendship with these 3 tips.

Whatever is going on, chances are, if you are reading this, you might suspect someone is lying to you…more than once.  Remember, your self-esteem isn’t hurting, it’s theirs for lying to you.  We should all be able to look one another in the eye and be honest without fear.  Depending on the person’s motives, it could be they feel you won’t like them or perhaps they are using the lies in a far more hurtful way.  Whatever the case, encourage them to talk to a counselor because sometimes it’s better to have a professional navigate through that than for you to constantly feel caught in this deception.  It will only bring you down. 

Right or easy?

5 Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator

Sometime back, I decided I needed to take better measures to protect myself from what I sensed were emotional manipulators.  I did things people thought I would never do.  I MOVED ON.  Seriously.  I got my journal, my yoga, my meditation ladies, my new circle of friends who lifted everyone up and then moved the hell away from the nasty black hole feelings I got from other people.  I became “different” apparently.  Or not.  If my spidey sense was fully open and I used my sense motive check on the person and found their motives to be dishonest, I moved on.  I could physically no longer take it anymore.  So how did I spot some of the people I needed to get away from?

5 Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator

  1. Whatever is wrong in your life…their life is ten times worse, so they turn it back to them.  If you are going through something, they are going through something far worse and make it a point to let you know that.  Over and over and over again.  Now your stuff could actually be life-threatening…but their mental drama is far worse.  It’s difficult to talk to them about anything seriously hard in your life, because whatever it is, you know they will turn it back to what they are going through.  How bad their “shit” is.
  2. It is never their fault.  Ever.  After months of listening to them turn every conversation around back to their stuff, they seem to have the same problem over and over again.  Naturally, it is everyone around them and not them.  They never start anything…it’s the world.  They tell you this story to get you to feel sorry for them and they do a great job at it.  But when you offer practical solutions to this “problem” they can’t be bothered to actually try anything to move forward.  Thus repeating the cycle.
  3. They use ridiculous phrases that make no sense, yet somehow they weave guilt into the words.  Whatever you do or say is never enough.  You have no idea how to help anymore because you have tried everything yet they still say phrases like “you just don’t know how this feels.”  Here is the KICKER.  They repeatedly ask you for help, but not in so many words and when you finally try to help them, they say they didn’t ask for your help.  WHAT the actual F Bomb.  So then, because of this great and enormous problem they have created in order for you to feel sorry for them in this continual loop, for thinking you might should help them because they seem to want that support from you over and over…when you do try to help, it wasn’t what they wanted.
  4. They lower your vibration repeatedly.  This one can be felt as soon as you walk into a room with one of these people.  You immediately put your guard up…but you feel it.  You feel like you have to raise their emotional state because you are thrown off-balance.  The same story they cling to has now become part of their very fabric.  It reaches out to pull you down to that level.  Each and every time.  This co-dependent cloak they wear will rob you of your ability to realize you are not them or their problems.  You actually can leave this situation.
  5. They shrink back when you shine.  You find them not happy for what is going on in your life…and you have no idea why.  So overtime, as things in your life improve, the life they are leading takes a turn for the worse as a last desperate measure to keep you there with them.  This might be where they start to tell others more lies…as you have gotten this feeling all along, but know that if the feeling keeps getting worse, the end is near.  It takes a strong person to see these things for what they are…and the knowledge that there was nothing you could have done differently because they created a world where they wanted to be saved repeatedly, but not really get out of victim mentality.

Continue to focus on the positive things going on in your life and don’t feel guilty for moving forward.  Always do what is best for you so that you can continue becoming who you were really meant to be.

walk awayWould love to have you in the closed group so that you can work more on your boundaries.  Check out the tab at the top called Head|Heart|Health Club.  Don’t be afraid to shine!!

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