Want to walk away from drama? Here’s how.

here's how to walk away from dramaLook.  I get it.  You’re a grown-up.  And so am I, but sometimes things have a way of following us around. As the mother of two teenage girls, I want to practice what I preach.  A few years ago, I was suffering from friendships that seemed to belong back in high school, and to be honest, I kept letting them happen.

I never saw it coming.  I always thought of myself as a strong person, but somewhere deep down inside, I knew I just wanted to be like “everyone else”.  I had convinced myself that other adults were having these fabulous girl’s nights out, and going off with other couples and even going on vacation together (did I like someone enough for that??).

So at one of my many “this is the year I am going to…” moments, I decided to reach out and make a new friend.  The problem was and still is, things come with warning signs.  Many, many, many warning signs.  And if you are so desperate for friendship that you ignore some of your own standards, it goes to hell in a handbag really quickly.  << Southernism.

You see, the toxic, drama-filled friendship was full of stop signs, skull and crossbones type warnings, and red flags.  I ignored them all.  I honestly looked for the good in the friendship and for whatever reason, thought this person couldn’t help it (note, that is bullshit).  So I had attracted a narcissistic type relationship yet again.

What’s the good news in this?

I recognized the signs one day when I realized my friend wasn’t happy about the success I was having in healing, moving on, and getting better in my life.  Want to learn more?  Check this out later: Coping when a Dysfunctional Friendship Ends

How to walk away from drama:

  1. Acknowledge that you deserve better.  This is a huge step.  You are a magnificent human being.  Say that out loud.  Your past does not define you, and your past mistakes do not mean that you are no longer worthy and deserving of a great friendship, job, partner, or whatever it is that is causing you drama.
  2. Stop creating it if it’s you.  So this part might be difficult, but acknowledge your part.  Are you poking the bear?  Do you just love arguing?  Notice and reflect on areas where you might be the catalyst and start to step away from people and situations that feel like you are deliberately needing the attention or the last word.  Yes.  This is hard advice, but truly notice that having the last word with someone who loves drama will not change their mind…nor will it change yours.
  3. Gossip needs legs.  I worked with this woman once who would literally grab anyone who walked by her room, pull them inside and show them someone’s FB page just to joke on their recent photos.  It was like a Venus Fly Trap of gossip up in there.  Don’t be fooled.  Avoid, if at all possible, the water cooler type conversations where people can and will overhear.  Where Venus can run on back and grab more people saying that you, yes you, were the one that started this rumor knowing all along it’s not true.  However, people did see the two of you talking.  The perfect set-up.
  4. Set the boundaries.  I waited too long to tell someone I wished she hadn’t told me about all the back-stabbing and sleeping around every time I met one of her “friends”.  Because guess what?  If she’s ready to tell all about their business, she certainly will talk about mine.  You better believe this fact.  I didn’t want to be in that type of friendship.  It was draining to hide what I knew and draining to listen to it.  It was a loop.
  5. Accept it, learn from it, and go on with life. ~Vincent Neerings
    I could also quote good ole’ Kenny rogers and so I shall: You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em.  Know when to walk away, and know when to run.  I learned a hard lesson.  And for a long time, I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself to make new friends.  Then one evening, I met a new person who was so full of life she was a joy to be around.  She only saw the best in other people and we talked about everything, and never once has the conversation veered into any areas that made me feel awful, drained, or lowered in any way.

I started surrounding myself with only people who lifted me up, and I continued to heal.  I felt better about myself and life and knew that there were actually people out there who were meant to stay in my life.  I also started teaching others how to attract the types of relationship into their lives that were good for them, and how to work on healing their own lives through my journal therapy, yoga, and affirmation exercises.  If you’d like to learn more, we’d love to have you.  >> I need support. <<

3 Signs You Are in a Fake “Textual Relationship”

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Oh.  You have another message.  Should you look at it right now?  You ignore it.  He or she knows you have your phone on you.  Something just doesn’t feel right anymore and you are really tired of this “textual relationship” nonsense.

For starters, what is a textual relationship anyway?  It is a “relationship” based in online messaging, private messages, Snapchat, or anything where you actually never talk in real life.  If you do talk in real life, it is not quite the same.

In a scary online world, where quite literally anyone can be behind the computer, are you sharing too much of yourself in these private messages?  How are you getting to know this person in real life?  Would you say the same things to them in the real world that you do online?  If the answer is no…maybe you should consider what you want out of this “textual relationship”?

What are some bad signs you should look out for?

  1. They use fake looking profile photos and have only had their account up for a few months.  Okay, I get it.  The photo looks great.  Unless it’s a fake photo or a photo of their cat.  Which never ever changes no matter what.  Also, were they living under a rock?  Why are they suddenly online, but have not been prior to 3 months ago?  Are they tagged in any family photos?  Any mutual friends?  Is their name even real?  Not if warning bells are going off and many excuses are made.  Oh yeah, and never send money.  <<< huge sign they are a scammer.
  2. They use a real photo…without their spouse.  They are sending you messages about meeting up…but you know they are married.  Why would people do this?  What are they hoping to achieve?  They are hiding something plain and simple no matter what excuse they use.  They say they are happily married, then that’s great.  Why hide behind a private message?  Does their wife know?  Probably not…oh and they won’t be leaving anyone anytime soon.  You can bet on that.
  3. They like everything you post…all the time.  Even that stuff from 5 years ago.  Red flag.  Why are they going through your old photos on every account you have?  Does it come up casually in conversation?  Does it seem like they are stalking you to find out where you hang out?  What if they are there, just watching you, because you know, you have never met them?  Better yet, what if they actually know you and this is a fake profile they are using to follow you around.  Yup.  Warning.  Warning.  Warning.

Nice try blogging lady, but this hasn’t happened to me…yet.

Is texting your sole point of communication?  If so, read on.  Do you feel like you know this person and could call them up?  Then try that idea on for size.  Ask them to Skype with you one night and casually bring up things only you two have chatted about.  See what happens.

After the chatting on-screen, don’t forget to make a date to really chat in person.  Once you feel comfortable…and of course, take the back-up friend to plant in the restaurant or coffee shop just in case things go wrong.

Texting relationships allow you lots of easy ways out, but they also have many downfalls.  You can read into the texts, dwell on why they haven’t sent you a text, but you see the read receipt, and it also allows you to only send them the best photos…perhaps with some touching up done.  This is so not like real life.  There are no filters for bed hair, morning breath, and real body functions.  Just saying.  In a world where you can be anything, be real my friend. 

Saying No to Drama in 5 Steps!

I was scrolling through the magical land of Fakebook, and already someone posted who they were voting for in a big meme style photo.  Why is this bad?

Whew.  I am going to break it down for you real quick.

  • I’m going to unfriend you if you vote for ______.  All over the place.
  • Posting who you are voting for and then daring people to unfriend you.
  • Inciting violence, hate speech and the like on your post by using words to intentionally offend the other people.
  • Bating said “friends” who comment.
  • Posting and spreading more hate filled articles all over the internet on all sides.
  • Sharing this horrible thing you just heard about such and such.
  • Inviting more like-minded people into your secret groups…gangs, or whatever you have made for yourself so you can see more drama.

So let’s pretend it’s not this all over your feed because maybe you live in a foreign country…lucky you right now.  I remember reading my friend’s posts after #brexit was everywhere.  Wow.  It was painful to see what they were going through.  The ripples of unkind words truly do spread across nations.

Drama is certainly everywhere.  Gone are the times we just saw it all over the soap operas.  It’s at work, which spreads to Fakebook, our lives, which spreads to Fakebook <<< why?  Why do people air out all the dirty, nasty things of their lives for others to jump on?  Having drama in your life is absolutely by choice.  I believe this.

The celebrities sure make money off it, but guys, what does it bring to your life?  Truly?  This well-respected person just blatantly invited it in all over her feed tonight and I read it and was like WOW.  She had all these evil mouthed people hiding up in her friend’s list?  She poked the hornet’s nest tonight.

Other than a good friends list clean up, I really see no purpose.

Saying No to Drama in 5 Steps:

  1. You actually pause and reflect before answering the e-mail, text, or message that you actually could have misread.  I know there are times when you want to assume the message was sent with harsh intent, but honestly, it’s a message.  What voice did you read into it when you read it?  What was your mood like?  What could the other person have been doing when they sent it?  <<< take a cycle of 3 deep breaths and meditate.  Drink green tea.  Go to yoga.  Then come back to it and read it.  Call if necessary.  But just stay neutral in your tone.  The gloves don’t have to be on…right now.
  2. If you think it might not be a good idea to post it, don’t.  It’s that simple.  Are you creating useless drama in your life?  Are you perpetuating a cycle?  Why do you have to call someone out on the book of Fake anyway?  That hasn’t solved anything so far.  What do you actually want to happen?  Will that happen by putting it out there?  Just ask yourself a few questions and see where your motives lie.  Attention?  Truth?  Shame?  <<< hmm.  Not good.  Journal about your feelings somewhere safe and think of alternatives.
  3. Are you honest with people?  It can be that easy.  If you have hurt feelings, does the person even know?  Have you made your point clear before this moment, or not really?  If you are making clear statements and the person keeps at it, then it’s time for the next step.
  4. Step away from the situation…possibly for good.  This one is super hard.  Trust me, I know.  If you have run all the possible scenarios over and over in your head, and there is no possible good outcome…ever…then walk away.  The people who are supposed to be in your life, will find a way.  Toxic relationships cause stress, damage and could actually be harmful to your own relationship or marriage.
  5. Notice the good and feed it.  I am just so blessed to have seen this change for me in the last year.  As I fed the better thoughts, they grew.  As I surrounded myself with like-minded people, my circle radiated support.  As I trusted my friends to be honest with me, I received that honesty I craved and yes, deserved.  I am worthy of supportive relationships My girls are worthy of growing up with supportive, drama-free circles as well.

You know, growing up, if we invited this kind of mess into our lives at say 13, 14, or 15, we might call it “a learning experience”.  But what happens when we are 30, or 40 and we are having the same learning experience again and again?  It’s not going to go away until it teaches us something…that much I know.  As we go forth into this week, be aware of the baited conversations.  Whatever they are trying to catch, let them get caught up in it.  Not you.  Go on by with your head held high and find the joy in your life while you still can.  If you need a supportive place, come find us in the Club.  <<<

Say no to drama

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5 Signs of an Energy Vampire in Your Midst

After getting off the phone with a friend, you suddenly feel a headache coming on. You are absolutely drained and have nothing left, so you go to eat food thinking that is the problem. You start to eat mindlessly ruminating over the problems in your friend’s life and how to fix them or help the friend. That’s when it hits you. These aren’t your problems and this always happens after speaking to this person.

Here’s the most interesting thing about Energy Vampires…they don’t think that burdening you over and over is wrong. They see nothing abnormal in their behavior. These people started to form these habits long before you ever came into the picture and will continue with their ways long after you are gone. Sometimes they can be alcoholics, verbally abusive, or perhaps even children who didn’t feel nurtured and grew up to continue the pattern.female-vampire

5 Signs of an Energy Vampire in Your Midst

1. People who are depressed, sad, or needy almost all of the time. I am not talking about full on depression, I am talking about people who tell you they are sad, but never do anything to help their situation. They seem to be a victim of everything. They are not interested in solutions, but want to exhaust you over and over again with the same sad story. You are probably already thinking about who this is. They are not hard to spot in your life. These types of people will never change as you must always be there for one crisis after another telling them it’s going to be okay. They have very low self-esteem and are insecure, so you must constantly build them up.
2. The one who blames and speaks negative. This one has excuses for lots of things. The timing isn’t right and somehow you start to feel guilty because he blamed you. He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and he likes to bring you down to his level of thinking. He wants you to feel like what he did was somehow your fault. The only way to rise above this person is to raise your vibration and do the opposite of what he wants. However, sometimes this person can also disguise themselves as the next example.
3. The polite one. This person appears to have all their “shit” together. Appearances are very important to them. They want the whole world to think they are happy…but occasionally, you see through it. These people often blame others, avoid or ignore, procrastinate, and use ambiguous speech. The truth is, they are quite passive-aggressive and that behavior stems from their frustration of expressing themselves indirectly so that they don’t have to admit real feelings. They want to be like Switzerland in conflicts so that whatever side wins, they can say they were always on that side. They are often untruthful about any desire or emotion; therefore, this lack of honesty leads to relationship problems. Some of these types of energy vampires truly enjoy the game of frustrating people. Strong emotions make this person dishonest and you might feel conflicted in their presence as well. They are always at war with themselves, but want to appear like they have it together.
4. The drama queen. This one likes to stir up the pot and sit back and watch. You already know who this is in your life. These people don’t have anything exciting going on in their lives and perhaps you do. They want to mimic your positive energy by swirling up the chaos because that creates an energy that will distract them from their lives. Don’t engage. Back slowly away.
5. The green-eyed one. Here I am referring to the jealous energy drainer. These folks want what everyone else has. Their neighbors, their co-workers, the celebrities. They are always trying to get attention as well because they feel empty. They have something to prove…to all these people who might not notice them. If you encounter these guys, try to point out what they have and see what happens. Chances are it won’t matter to them because it’s never good enough.

The best defense you have against these types of people is your awareness. When they speak to you it is with the intention of bringing your vibrational energy down. If you can’t shift their energy, then you need to release it from your life for good.

drained signsNeed a supportive group of people to raise your energy?  Come join us!

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See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil…

I remember being a child and seeing the three wise monkeys sitting somewhere I went on a regular basis.  I believe it was the doctor’s office.  I would stare at them and think about the meaning.  As a child, you are constantly asking questions about the world and if you’re lucky, you have good influences in your life to help guide you.  No matter what you do, sometimes it is hard to avoid the first one.  “See” no evil.  It is everywhere.  Around us daily, just waiting to happen.

It is suggested that the legend of the monkeys was derived from Analects of Confucius.  Basically, it said this:  “Look not at what is contrary to propriety; listen not to what is contrary to propriety; speak not what is contrary to propriety; make no movement which is contrary to propriety”  Meaning do no evil as well.  What am I getting at today?  I’ll tell you.

Reduce negativity in your life.

I had another doctor appointment today and it got me thinking about things in life.  You can approach life as best you see fit, but I am saddened to see that most people heap negativity on top of negativity no matter what they do.  If you are on Facebook, scroll through your feed and look at the types of things people post.  If you would like, delete the evil you see.  That’s right.  Hide them.  Poof.  Gone.  Next, check out your surroundings.  Do you have positive books around you?  If not, get a few.  Make an attempt to see no evil…especially if you can control it.

Listen to less negativity in your life.

Hear no evil.  Watch the news all the time?  Tired of the ugliness out there?  Turn it off.  Yes, I know it’s still there.  Pray, meditate, think nice things, or do what makes you feel good instead.  Have a friend who always calls to tell you when bad things happen?  Or a ahem grandma?  Be honest.  Say something like, I am making an attempt to create a positive space around me and I would love to talk to you, but I want to hear about what’s good in your life lately.  Can you please help me with that?  I think it would be good for both of us.  If they don’t understand, well, you still win because now they call you less.

Speak less negative thoughts.

Speak no evil.  This one is really hard, I know.  Let’s say you are trying to put some positive vibes out in the universe and whoever it is, keeps pushing back with negative.  It’s all about them at that moment, no matter what you might think, it is not your battle.  I know this goes with previous posts, but it is true.  Hurt people want others to hurt.  I know people who remain so lost in their own pain that they can’t focus on the good at any time.  I keep those people as far away as I can.  Some I have to see at holidays.  Ahem, but others, I don’t.  Don’t let them drag you down.  If they can’t find other topics, they need to be on limited access to you.  So, I say to you the same thing I say to my FB group:

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