3 Signs You Are in a Fake “Textual Relationship”

textual

Oh.  You have another message.  Should you look at it right now?  You ignore it.  He or she knows you have your phone on you.  Something just doesn’t feel right anymore and you are really tired of this “textual relationship” nonsense.

For starters, what is a textual relationship anyway?  It is a “relationship” based in online messaging, private messages, Snapchat, or anything where you actually never talk in real life.  If you do talk in real life, it is not quite the same.

In a scary online world, where quite literally anyone can be behind the computer, are you sharing too much of yourself in these private messages?  How are you getting to know this person in real life?  Would you say the same things to them in the real world that you do online?  If the answer is no…maybe you should consider what you want out of this “textual relationship”?

What are some bad signs you should look out for?

  1. They use fake looking profile photos and have only had their account up for a few months.  Okay, I get it.  The photo looks great.  Unless it’s a fake photo or a photo of their cat.  Which never ever changes no matter what.  Also, were they living under a rock?  Why are they suddenly online, but have not been prior to 3 months ago?  Are they tagged in any family photos?  Any mutual friends?  Is their name even real?  Not if warning bells are going off and many excuses are made.  Oh yeah, and never send money.  <<< huge sign they are a scammer.
  2. They use a real photo…without their spouse.  They are sending you messages about meeting up…but you know they are married.  Why would people do this?  What are they hoping to achieve?  They are hiding something plain and simple no matter what excuse they use.  They say they are happily married, then that’s great.  Why hide behind a private message?  Does their wife know?  Probably not…oh and they won’t be leaving anyone anytime soon.  You can bet on that.
  3. They like everything you post…all the time.  Even that stuff from 5 years ago.  Red flag.  Why are they going through your old photos on every account you have?  Does it come up casually in conversation?  Does it seem like they are stalking you to find out where you hang out?  What if they are there, just watching you, because you know, you have never met them?  Better yet, what if they actually know you and this is a fake profile they are using to follow you around.  Yup.  Warning.  Warning.  Warning.

Nice try blogging lady, but this hasn’t happened to me…yet.

Is texting your sole point of communication?  If so, read on.  Do you feel like you know this person and could call them up?  Then try that idea on for size.  Ask them to Skype with you one night and casually bring up things only you two have chatted about.  See what happens.

After the chatting on-screen, don’t forget to make a date to really chat in person.  Once you feel comfortable…and of course, take the back-up friend to plant in the restaurant or coffee shop just in case things go wrong.

Texting relationships allow you lots of easy ways out, but they also have many downfalls.  You can read into the texts, dwell on why they haven’t sent you a text, but you see the read receipt, and it also allows you to only send them the best photos…perhaps with some touching up done.  This is so not like real life.  There are no filters for bed hair, morning breath, and real body functions.  Just saying.  In a world where you can be anything, be real my friend. 

When Guilt is a Weapon. How do you respond?

Guilt as a weapon

Advice was needed.  I read the message and knew immediately someone was being manipulated…yet again.  Manipulation is when someone uses tactics, such as guilt, to try to make you do something you might not normally want to do…or even consider doing.

When guilt is used as a weapon, many things can occur. 

Guilt can actually cause physical pain, mental pain, and is a powerful emotion that sometimes overrides reason.  The body was light just moments before reading a guilt-inducing message, and now the body begins to feel heavy.  The heaviness can be associated with feelings of resentment.  If you have truly done something wrong, guilt is a natural emotion; however, manipulative people use it as a weapon, and that is not acceptable.

In my closed group, we are exploring the boundaries we need to put in place when someone purposely tries to make us feel this way.  This can be saying yes when we really mean no, taking on more work when we already have a full plate, or even having other friends trying to make you feel like it is your fault that they aren’t getting something done because you said no.  Did you just nod your head or get shivers up your spine?

There are several characteristics of someone who uses guilt as a weapon. 

  • It isn’t always obvious at first, that they are trying to make you feel bad.
  • They might also use emotional manipulation tactics.
  • They might be your partner, and use wording like “If you cared about me, you would…”
  • They get angry when you enforce boundaries…because they know you are onto them.
  • Guilt doesn’t forgive as easily as someone who builds relationships out of trust.
  • They pretend to be the martyr…doing you a favor.
  • And the empaths favorite manipulator, the narcissistic friend.

So how do you deal with the weaponized guilt?

  1. The first thing you have to do is to decide you are done.  Quite simply, done.  This is your life, not theirs.  Any other answer lets them push the boundaries time and time again.
  2. The truth is, you have something they want to use.  So use it to your advantage, not theirs and make a plan.  They are trying to make you feel insecure for what reason??  Write it down and think about their motives.
  3. Can you stand up for yourself with the truth?  Here is your test.  Disentangle yourself from this situation without using the word “sorry”.  You have nothing to be sorry for, and your time is valuable as well.  Write down your truth in one sentence that makes you feel empowered.  You have always had the power, remember that.
  4. Put on your cape…and go.  You have been used, yes.  But put your cape on and do not feel guilty.  They are trying to use your insecurity against you, but look back over what you have that they want.  Your cape is your truth.  You are worthy of great friends, good relationships, and a positive work ethic.  Not one that makes you constantly feel used and underappreciated (can insert not feeling like shit in your journal).  What is the opposite of that feeling?  Use the words to surround yourself in this cape of truth and protection.

While this message is for a friend of mine, it also goes for all of you reading this.  Don’t let someone shift this guilt to you and tell you how they think you are feeling at this moment.  Again, that is their interpretation of the situation.  Move far, far away from the mind games, and the use of them saying things “people have been telling me…” what people?  No one.  They made that up.

Do not let them use self-pity and if it face to face, as it never is, back it up with body language as well; however, if it is a message, do not prolong the chat.  Short and concise truth statements is all they need.  Not a back and forth.  The longer you draw it out, the more they will twist and try to give you reasons to crumble.  Stand in your truth today.

Want to work more fully on releasing guilt and setting boundaries?  Join us today!

 

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7 Signs that Your Relationship is the Right One

I remember the feeling of relationships just not quite clicking.  I would possibly ignore the signs that they were not going to work out, and I can look back now and think, why did I ignore that??

I should have been looking for signs that the relationship was actually the right one, and not ignoring the signs that it was, in fact, the wrong one for me.

Years have passed since then, and I have seen my girlfriends struggle through people using them, hurting them, and talking to them like they are not worthy.  The last one is what always pisses me off.  The first thing I am here to tell you is that you, whoever you are reading this right now, are worthy of Love. 

Here are 7 Signs that your Relationship is the Right One:

  1. Your partner is your best friend.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t have your best friend from high school still.  No, but what it does mean, is that if you needed someone to be there for you, he/she would drop everything and be there.  THIS is a true sign.  I remember being in a relationship with a narcissist, and realizing that I needed to get the hell out of there, and fast.  He had the most excuses in the universe for never being there when I needed him…and if he could fit me in, I had to drive to him.
  2. You only have eyes for this person, and they only have eyes for you.  To this day, my husband and I can joke around about people we think are attractive in movies, but in real life, my mom said that was how she knew it was not just some passing romance.  And, to be honest, I wasn’t sure at first as both of us had ended long relationships right before we met.  However, after 2 months, I no longer thought it was a rebound relationship.  I no longer thought about anyone else at all.  It was quite scary at first because I had spent years with someone else and so had he.  I also never, seriously, ever, believed in the “You’ll just know” saying until this point.
  3. You can be you.  With the ermmmm more narcissistic folks I had previously attracted, I felt like I had to make an effort to look good, and that included when I didn’t feel like it.  Some people enjoy putting on make-up, doing their hair daily, and dressing up.  And that is fine, as long as it is what you like to do.  The first time my husband, then college boyfriend, and I traveled to a hiking spot and campground with some friends, I didn’t feel like packing a hair dryer or anything.  It was camping.  I needed my hiking shoes, and warm stuff.  It was much colder than expected at that time of year.  I didn’t care about the hair, but after using the camp showers, I was freezing.  We dried my hair using his heat vents in his beat up car.  Boom.  He kept staring at me.  No effort needed.
  4. You can be weird together.  So.  Fancy a game of Dungeon and Dragons?  Well, my husband did.  Again, think college, but it was quite an honor to be taught D & D as the only girl in a secret-ish society of geek boys.  I know you are thinking of Big Bang Theory right now…and it’s true.  The difference is, I had previously kept my love of fantasy things somewhat close to the vest.  Not anymore.  Wooo-hoooo.  Dice.  All the dice.  I can be an elf?  Sweet.  I can have a bow?  Why not.  Accepting all the parts of who they are includes a little bit of weirdness at times…but it might not be weird to them.  If you have something you are afraid to share about you, see what happens.  You might end up with a new D & D partner.
  5. When you think about them, you get a little rush.  Maybe it feels like butterflies in your stomach, or maybe it’s just that anticipation of them holding you, but whatever it is, you still feel it.  After 2 months, 2 years, or 21.  Yup…21 years of a rush.  Woosh. They don’t spend time thinking about what’s wrong with you…like perhaps others did.  Or if you would only lose a few more pounds, drop that person by the way, they love you for who you are.  Right now.  Now future you.  Past you.  Present day, in all your glorious mess, you.
  6. You can work through your problems.  So you had a fight.  It is okay.  It is not all your fault.  If someone makes you think it is entirely your fault…well, arguments are part of life.  You both have to own up to whatever it is without throwing in the kitchen sink as well.  Or that other person you dated gets thrown in your face, or whatever it was that is past.  You don’t resort to low blows if possible because guess what?  They aren’t needed.  You learn to work on your open communication and that really does mean facing problems together.  Not secretly.  Not avoiding.  Not hiding.
  7. You can’t imagine your life without them.  I do still need my alone time, don’t get me wrong, but this is different.  I don’t want to do too much without him because I actually miss him.  I can’t sleep right, think fully, or operate well when we are apart.  I know that it is the same way with him.  The difference is, if you would rather be with friends or another interesting possible new flame, then it’s definitely time to think about what you are looking for in a partner.  Luckily, my soul knew long before my head caught up.  Things felt like they were missing with other people, but I thought it was me.  It was actually just my soul trying to guide me out of those relationships, and into the “One” that was meant for me.

Nothing is perfect my friends.  Love is messy, complicated, and it makes you want to scream at times; however, nothing is worse than staying in the wrong relationship thinking it is you.  You are worthy of true love and stepping out of that narcissistic or failing relationship, will really give you the space you need to be true to you.  This month, I invite you to do the work within.  Come join us in the Head|Heart|Health Club.

Saying No to Drama in 5 Steps!

I was scrolling through the magical land of Fakebook, and already someone posted who they were voting for in a big meme style photo.  Why is this bad?

Whew.  I am going to break it down for you real quick.

  • I’m going to unfriend you if you vote for ______.  All over the place.
  • Posting who you are voting for and then daring people to unfriend you.
  • Inciting violence, hate speech and the like on your post by using words to intentionally offend the other people.
  • Baiting said “friends” who comment.
  • Posting and spreading more hate filled articles all over the internet on all sides.
  • Sharing this horrible thing you just heard about such and such.
  • Inviting more like-minded people into your secret groups…gangs, or whatever you have made for yourself so you can see more drama.

So let’s pretend it’s not this all over your feed because maybe you live in a foreign country…lucky you right now.  I remember reading my friend’s posts after #brexit was everywhere.  Wow.  It was painful to see what they were going through.  The ripples of unkind words truly do spread across nations.

Drama is certainly everywhere.  Gone are the times we just saw it all over the soap operas.  It’s at work, which spreads to Fakebook, our lives, which spreads to Fakebook <<< why?  Why do people air out all the dirty, nasty things of their lives for others to jump on?  Having drama in your life is absolutely by choice.  I believe this.

The celebrities sure make money off it, but guys, what does it bring to your life?  Truly?  This well-respected person just blatantly invited it in all over her feed tonight and I read it and was like WOW.  She had all these evil mouthed people hiding up in her friend’s list?  She poked the hornet’s nest tonight.

Other than a good friends list clean up, I really see no purpose.

Saying No to Drama in 5 Steps:

  1. You actually pause and reflect before answering the e-mail, text, or message that you actually could have misread.  I know there are times when you want to assume the message was sent with harsh intent, but honestly, it’s a message.  What voice did you read into it when you read it?  What was your mood like?  What could the other person have been doing when they sent it?  <<< take a cycle of 3 deep breaths and meditate.  Drink green tea.  Go to yoga.  Then come back to it and read it.  Call if necessary.  But just stay neutral in your tone.  The gloves don’t have to be on…right now.
  2. If you think it might not be a good idea to post it, don’t.  It’s that simple.  Are you creating useless drama in your life?  Are you perpetuating a cycle?  Why do you have to call someone out on the book of Fake anyway?  That hasn’t solved anything so far.  What do you actually want to happen?  Will that happen by putting it out there?  Just ask yourself a few questions and see where your motives lie.  Attention?  Truth?  Shame?  <<< hmm.  Not good.  Journal about your feelings somewhere safe and think of alternatives.
  3. Are you honest with people?  It can be that easy.  If you have hurt feelings, does the person even know?  Have you made your point clear before this moment, or not really?  If you are making clear statements and the person keeps at it, then it’s time for the next step.
  4. Step away from the situation…possibly for good.  This one is super hard.  Trust me, I know.  If you have run all the possible scenarios over and over in your head, and there is no possible good outcome…ever…then walk away.  The people who are supposed to be in your life, will find a way.  Toxic relationships cause stress, damage and could actually be harmful to your own relationship or marriage.
  5. Notice the good and feed it.  I am just so blessed to have seen this change for me in the last year.  As I fed the better thoughts, they grew.  As I surrounded myself with like-minded people, my circle radiated support.  As I trusted my friends to be honest with me, I received that honesty I craved and yes, deserved.  I am worthy of supportive relationships My girls are worthy of growing up with supportive, drama-free circles as well.

You know, growing up, if we invited this kind of mess into our lives at say 13, 14, or 15, we might call it “a learning experience”.  But what happens when we are 30, or 40 and we are having the same learning experience again and again?  It’s not going to go away until it teaches us something…that much I know.  As we go forth into this week, be aware of the baited conversations.  Whatever they are trying to catch, let them get caught up in it.  Not you.  Go on by with your head held high and find the joy in your life while you still can.  If you need a supportive place, come find us in the Club.  <<<

Say no to drama

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Dating Again After Heartbreak…5 Tips to Share

A reader actually asked about this, so I am digging way deep into my own archives of experience, as well as the experience of a group of women I call “sisters”.

One of the women who I speak with regularly thought she noticed a pattern in her life that was leading her to date again.  I flashed back to over 20 years ago, when I had a long-term relationship of about 5 years end.  The first thing I wanted to do was actually be alone; however, it lasted only a few weeks.  I was in college and thought the way to get over a relationship was to immediately jump back into one.  Oh boy.  If I could give myself some advice…I know exactly what I would say.

5 Tips on Dating After Heartbreak:

  1. Are you comfortable being alone?  If the answer is yes, then it might be time to explore, not necessarily date, but probe the idea again.  If the answer is no, then that really needs to be researched a bit longer.  It goes from being you and so-and-so to you.  You can really start to test what it’s like being just you again and what compromises you have made over the years for you know, good ole’ so-and-so.
  2. Check for a repeat pattern.  Do you tend to choose the same people again and again?  What could you do differently this time?  Don’t dwell on this too much or beat yourself up, but definitely use this as a wake up call.  Note, click on the linked words to read more on a pattern you must break!
  3. Listen to your gut feelings.  If something is probably a mistake, it is.  <<< Seriously listen to that feeling and just say no to the date, the call, the re-bound date, etc.  Don’t ever let someone talk you into doing something you are not comfortable with, even if it’s a blind date.  It might be the best thing in the world, or it might be a mistake.  Listen to your own feelings and explore them.  Take time.  You can actually have phone conversations like in the old days with the person before you ever even go out.
  4. Do not be desperate…be true to yourself!  Worse than being alone is actually being in the wrong relationship.  Trust me on this.  Especially a verbally abusive or physically abusive one.  That will take some time to heal from and the wounds might run deep.  You don’t want children around that, and you also don’t want your inner child around that.  Take long, deep thoughts on what you want to create in a relationship this time around.  What would it look like for you?  How would you feel?  What are the ways you would be supported?
  5. Time doesn’t heal all things.  <<< Why people say it does, is beyond me.  Take as long as you need.  There is no one else in this world who has to live with your decisions except for you.  Don’t make the wrong ones!  It can spiral out into the life of your family and over time, yes, they will hurt as well.  Remember your self-talk, the talk you say in front of your children about an ex, or even how you talk to yourself in front of a new person.  What are you putting out there on social media?  Hatred and anger?  Dirty laundry?  Take some time to process in a  journal.  Not on social media.  Find the good in your life and hold on tight!

In the end, you will know when you are ready, but there really is nothing wrong with working on yourself for a while as you put the broken pieces back together.  You will eventually be okay again and you will know when you are ready to trust someone once again with that precious thing called your heart.

Trust

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7 Ways to Notice Someone is Lying

I started this new thing where I ask my readers questions and today’s question really got people going.  Today was about “Lies of Omission”.  Basically someone omits an important detail from a statement; therefore, they are not telling the whole truth.  Sometimes people seem to think these are okay, because they are emitting something…sadly, that is not the case.

The thing is, the truth will come out in the end, and it really does take less effort.  I read an article recently that said telling lies takes longer than telling the truth.  How can we spot the lies?

7 Ways to Notice if Someone is Lying:

  1. The face always tells everything I need to know.  There are some people who try to mask this, but I seem to pick up on certain cues.  For just a second, I can see the person pause, frown, look happy, look sad, or seem to consider their move.  Sometimes its minimal.  Eyebrows, frown lines, etc and then its gone.  Poof.  Like half-a-second.  So I keep watching.
  2. Inconsistencies in their story.  Ahem.  Cough.  Someone is making headlines about that right now.  If you listen to the story and you think, even for a second, something doesn’t sound right here.  You are probably right.  Say, you know, being robbed as an Olympic swimmer.  There are lots of things that don’t always add up, and the truth is hidden under there.  Somewhere.  Listen closely.
  3. Prolonging eye contact during part of the story.  We have always heard the opposite is true, but a new study says that people who really want you to believe something don’t break eye contact.  Interesting.  They are trying hard to convince you that they are honest.  Apparently honest people do break eye contact.  Instead of staring you down.  Like they are using a Jedi mind control trick to hold you there.  Hmm.  Very interesting.
  4. Ask them the unexpected question.  I had a friend who perpetually lied to me about everything in the universe.  Yes.  I knew.  <<< see the blog post about creating distance from these types or this one here about boundaries.  Anyway, whenever I asked unexpected questions, there was silence.  Long pauses and lots of umm, ahh you know.  It was the same thing every time.  No real answer at all.
  5. Check for bad habits to come out.  Excessive lip licking.  Looking down.  Biting nails.  Fidgeting.  Habitual liars still don’t realize they have signs like these that come out.  When a person lies, it actually causes stress on the body and beings out these signs…even running to the bathroom as their stomach hurts.
  6. Saying they are honest as their voice changes tone.  I’m telling you what, the fish was 6 feet, no 7 feet long.  I SWEAR!  I am telling the TRUTH on this one.  Insert other lies here, and listen for the change of tone or the affirmation of honesty.
  7. It’s beginning to sound too familiar or too many details that seem odd are being told.  I would get told over and over well I didn’t know anything about it.  I wasn’t even there.  Yet the person’s friend would tell me she was there, and did know and helped with the details, etc.  Whatever.  If you get to the point where it is the same old thing over and over and you got better things to do than listen to this tall tale, jump over here and have a read at this post. Maybe it is time to nourish a new relationship.  Or build a strong friendship with these 3 tips.

Whatever is going on, chances are, if you are reading this, you might suspect someone is lying to you…more than once.  Remember, your self-esteem isn’t hurting, it’s theirs for lying to you.  We should all be able to look one another in the eye and be honest without fear.  Depending on the person’s motives, it could be they feel you won’t like them or perhaps they are using the lies in a far more hurtful way.  Whatever the case, encourage them to talk to a counselor because sometimes it’s better to have a professional navigate through that than for you to constantly feel caught in this deception.  It will only bring you down. 

Right or easy?

How to Detach from Someone With Love

Love.  It can be a great and powerful thing, but when you get your heart broken, it can seem as if you don’t recognize yourself anymore.  Sometimes, we lose ourselves in a relationship and that my friends, is not a good thing.

However, sometimes we can also detach and realize we don’t need to be with that person 24/7 and declare our undying love and faith to this person every single day on social media.  Moreover, we can actually do things that are different and freely be able to let go with love and trust in your heart…and know that they are going to come back.  Both of these situations are different, yet they require the same kind of actions.

This line has always spoken to me:  “Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

How to detach emotionally from someone:

  1. Do a serious mental check and see if you have your own source of happiness.  << link to the formula  I love the meme of the little guy carrying the jar of happiness.  When his friend asks him where he got that with wide eyes, he says “I made it myself.”  BOOM!  This is such truth in this tiny cartoon.  jar of happinessNote:  I do not know who drew this and have looked everywhere or it would be a link to you.  Mystery artist.
  2. Take a huge breath!  Yes, just breathe.  <<< link to creating that space you need.  Listen to your inner guide.  How long have you been thinking that you are clingy, losing yourself, or jealous?  Have you thought those things?  Do you instinctively know that you need a “break” from someone, but are afraid of the alternative.  Really start to trust your inner guide in this situation.  You can press the pause button and still be okay.  It happens in relationships.  It helps you get through the rough times when you see that there are mistakes being made, and you can actually own those mistakes.  It shows that you can admit when you are wrong.
  3. You have absolutely zero, that’s right, zero control over someone else.  No matter what you would like to believe, you are not the man behind the curtain.  In fact, you are more likely to be the Wicked Witch if you think you can control a relationship.  Free your mind…and the rest will follow.  Wait, that’s a song.  I want you to listen to that.  Seriously.  Listen to En Vogue a minute.  Now back to this.  Sometimes people wear clothes that you might not approve of, speak their mind, or do other things that make YOU think a certain way.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that was their intention.  Ask them.
  4. Pain is temporary, but being in a relationship that isn’t working can last a long time and really cause more harm than good.  You are not defined by their actions and it can be really hard to understand that you didn’t do anything wrong.  Focus on loving them enough to let them go if it’s not working and work on healing for you and you alone.  Start creating that jar of happiness and keep on adding to it.  Surround yourself with supportive people as you make this move to detach.

Detachment with love, instead of pain, regret, hate and malice is so much better for our higher good and spiritual healing.  Raising your vibration to love helps you heal faster and shows you the way to go for yourself.  You are not doing this for anyone else, remember that.  YOU control your happiness.  You.

Strength

 

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Life After a Narcissistic Relationship Ends (How to Move Forward)

What is a narcissist exactly?  By definition it is someone who is overly self-involved, vain or selfish.  I happen to know quite a few of these people, and yes, was in a relationship with one once long ago.  Quite thankfully, I recognized what he was doing even back then as it could have been quite scary.  What exactly were the signs I recognized?

  • everything was on his time
  • wanted to party all the time
  • had to be in the center of attention by drawing people to him
  • put on an “act” like it was a circus show
  • lied to me…constantly
  • would do one good thing, to replace the 50 bad things he did

These are just some of the signs that I recognized and knew it was a ridiculous arrangement.  Read this article for more on When an Empath Loves a Narcissist.  So how does one move on after this?

How to Move Forward:

  1. Stop feeling guilty, judging yourself, or feeling used.  It is quite possible that this is what he or she wants.  It creates that isolating feeling that they love.  Now you have no one to call, and feel sorry for yourself.  It is normal.  You will be able to build up relationships once again that help you with your self-esteem, not drain it.
  2. Start your self-care routines again…which means focusing on you!  Consider this experience a lesson in how to take care of yourself and make yourself a priority once again.  Honestly, you can be stronger than the you that just came out of this relationship.  I know it sounds crazy, but it is true.  Start your wellness routine which includes fitness, nutrition, balance and self-care.  I talk about this in 4 Weeks to Wellness, but it is absolutely the best way to heal yourself completely.
  3. Journal the things you want to remove from your life and the things you want to attract.  Write down the qualities you would like to have in your next relationship, and compare your list to what just happened.  Chances are, the qualities were never there to begin with.  It was all smoke and mirrors.  Get in the habit of putting yourself first and thinking about your goals and dreams.
  4. Take stock of your feelings.  Sit with them a minute.  Write them down.  How are you feeling?  Now imagine the best version of you.  The you that is there, but is just hidden way below the surface right now.  What if you journaled each and every night on the best parts of your day, you, your family, your friends, and everything about your life that is great?  There is so much left to be thankful for and after all this, the relationship has shown you what you don’t want to be like.  That was not a relationship for your highest good and somewhere deep inside you knew it all along.  You are able to see much more clearly now that the fog has lifted.

You will be able to move forward.  Use yoga, journaling, meditation, walks in nature, alone time, massage and more as a way to get back to the you that you want to be.   We all have bad days, make bad decisions and date the wrong people.  But that doesn’t mean we have to stay in that place forever.  This has prepared us for what we no longer want in our lives.

move forwardNew!  See the tab Head|Heart|Health for more support on getting back to the real you.

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5 Tips for Setting Clear Boundaries Today!

Boundaries_title

Did you ever look back on a relationship or friendship and think to yourself that the signs were there all along?  You were so busy making excuses in your head for the other person that your space, your wants and needs, were clearly being victimized over and over again.  It could even happen at work.  I was once NOT a master at setting boundaries.  I had clients who walked all over me, and messaged me morning, noon and night…like right as I sat down to have time with my family.

I would see the blinking phone light and then see who it was and always be prompt with answering them.  I valued my great customer service as I had the highest number of clients in my business group at one time other than the person above me making 10 times what I made.  But for me, it was about building good relationships.  While I still believe in great customer service and value my clients, I recognized that I let people drain me both physically and mentally in my life.  It was time to put an end to what I was letting happen TO me, and take control so that I could make things better FOR me.

How did I start setting boundaries that were good for me?

  1. I looked at how it made me FEEL when these people didn’t value my time.  It was lots of people.  Friends, clients, and people who were part of my business.  What was the underlying reason I allowed this?  I realized that I let the other person’s “stuff” get to me like it was my own.  Interesting.  What made me a good listener was my empath skills and how I always put myself in the other person’s shoes…sometimes almost literally as I could feel so much more than they told me; however, this was not helping me help them.  I had to learn to separate myself from their feelings.
  2. I had to decide what my core values were and then recognize HOW this person was crossing them.  What matters most to me is honesty, and once I felt this boundary line in relationships being crossed or tested, I was able to see that it made me feel quite literally “sick” and used.  This feeling would come up immediately and I knew it was time to let that person know right then and there that they either weren’t telling me the whole truth, or they were flat-out lying.  It did lead to 2 friendships being severed that were draining…mostly because they were married, but not to each other, and things were getting out of hand with their stories.  I insist on trust in my marriage with my husband of 18 years, so naturally what they did made me feel “sick” again in my stomach.  It was a sign that I had been ignoring…but not anymore.
  3. I couldn’t change their actions…so I changed mine.  I didn’t want to keep repeating Einstein’s definition of insanity.  They kept treating me the same and I kept expecting different results.  The problem was, I was changing.  I was starting to see things clearly and see what I needed to do to surround myself with positive feelings.  Here’s the deal, the grandma who says the same things over and over, the co-worker who gossips about you all day long, the spouse who repeats the same behavior over and over, they aren’t going to suddenly change.  Why wait for what ifs and maybes.  Start putting up those clear lines by changing how you handle them.
  4. Decide clearly HOW you are going to set that boundary and WHAT will happen IF someone crosses the line.  In some cases, it’s only a matter of time before they do x,y,z that you mentioned you don’t like.  Stop.  Assess your feelings, and if you have told them in no uncertain terms not to do this, then it’s up to you on how you move forward.  I realize that people test this, but I am a person who doesn’t mind cutting off ties if it means that my emotional health is still in tact.  Boundaries are all about your needs, and not the other person.  Does this sound hard to do?  Not to me anymore.  Here is why, I had gotten so sick and so drained from trying to take care of everyone at once that I wasn’t able to take care of myself any longer at all.  For me, it was really about living a healthy life again.  I simply had nothing left to give these people who were taking.  I knew that my boundaries were deep inside of me and attached to who I was and that every time I let someone walk all over them, they were showing me that they didn’t value me at all.
  5. I had to mean exactly what I said and then, in order to move forward, I had to let go of any feelings of guilt. I had to get grounded so that I wasn’t made to feel like it was my fault.  Clearly, you need respect in any relationship.  My emotions were valid for me.  It was not about them as I simply had to take care of myself.  Sure we are sometimes afraid of telling people the truth, but if you do, and the other person sends you a hate filled e-mail or writes about how THEY would deal with that situation, or even worse, tries to change your feelings like you can’t and aren’t allowed to feel the way you do, well it’s bye-bye time for me.  They don’t see me again for many years. Trust me when I tell you that it was hard at first, but has gotten to the point now where I can tell who is going to test this, and who is going to respect this.  I have to ground myself daily, and I can’t go into the space where the negative energy lies.  It serves no purpose and I know what my purpose is.  It is really and truly to help others move forward.  

Values

 

 

When An Empath Loves A Narcissist: The Lure Of The Broken Soul

empath loves a narcissistGuest post by Steve Waller

When An Empath Loves A Narcissist: The Lure Of The Broken Soul

They occupy opposite ends of the love spectrum, but empaths and narcissists often find themselves coupled up in unlikely relationships. But why? What is it that attracts one to the other?

This article will focus mainly on why empaths find themselves pulled towards narcissists, how they get trapped, and what they have to do to escape.

What The Empath Sees

Gifted with the ability to sense the underlying emotions and feelings of others, an empath is uniquely placed to see into the depths of a narcissist’s being to the wounded, unhappy soul that resides there.

Upon discovering this pained creature, the instinctual response of the empath is to try to help, heal, and love them.

Before they know it, they become entangled with this narcissist and the toxic relationship begins.

How They Get Sucked In

Narcissists can, when required, display copious amounts of charm and charisma. You might think that empaths would be less susceptible to this artificial persona, but it is precisely because they are beings of love that they wish to see the best in everyone.

They can sense the pain that is hidden behind the smile and the wit, while, at the same time, believing that this act is some sort of suppressed character trying to assert control. They think that they can help free it through their care and affection.

They envisage a time in the future when this narcissistic individual can become a changed person, cured of all their bad traits and free from pain. Once they believe in this possibility, they feel compelled to try to make it a reality.

What Stops Them Leaving

It won’t be too long before an empath begins to regret their decision to get involved with the narcissist. The person they initially fall for will quickly disappear, revealing the true nature of the beast.

The empath will shower love and kindness on the narcissist – to the point where it turns into adoration – in an attempt to purge the pain from them and soothe their damaged spirit.

But to the narcissist, this sort of attention is like a drug; they simply can’t get enough of it. And unfortunately for the empath, it only serves to reinforce the egoistic self-adulation.

Then comes the game playing and manipulation. To maintain their air of superiority, a narcissist will seek to control every situation involving their empath partner. They will use destructive and demeaning language to tear them apart, piece by piece, until they can exert their utter dominance.

In spite of all their good intentions, the empath will find themselves in a trap; one of loving a person who is incapable of caring for them, let alone showing love back.

But they aren’t yet aware of this trap; they continue to seek the narcissist’s affection in a vain attempt to mend the broken heart they see before them. They struggle to understand what is happening to them because, from their position, the behavior of their partner is utterly incomprehensible.

What happens next is quite possibly the most damaging aspect of the whole process: the empath looks at all of the pain and trauma now filling their life and pins the blame squarely on themselves.

Rather than accept that the narcissist is the cause of all their misery like they should, they insist that it is they who have failed. They wrongly believe that all the conflict and resentment in the relationship is their fault; that they somehow didn’t try hard enough to rid their lover of the pain they endure.

From this self-blame grows an unwillingness to do what is required; to break up with their narcissist partner. They proceed to lock themselves in their own prison by forfeiting their right to be happy. They insist that to do so would only heap more misery on the already tormented soul they have such affection for.

How They Finally Break Free

There is only one method of escape for the empath and that is to fully open their eyes to the situation they are in. In order to make a break for freedom, they must first understand that the original lure of the narcissist was misguided.

They must realize that it is nobody’s duty to fix another; that they have no responsibility to stay with their partner any longer. They must accept that whether the narcissist will ever change is not something they have any say in; they can only captain their own ship and it’s time to choose a different course.

This will not, by any means, be the last they hear from the narcissist. In an all-out bid to regain what they see as a possession, they will declare their undying love for the empath, swear they have changed, and make many promises that they know they cannot keep.

They will turn the charm back on and, for a while, the empath may see some of what they initially found so appealing. But if the empath can hold their nerve during this period, the narcissist will eventually unleash a barrage of malicious words and actions in a desperate attempt to pull their victim back in. This can be extremely difficult to endure and it can seem like the whole world is crashing down around you, but you must hold firm.

Leaving a narcissist isn’t the end of the story for the empath; it will take a long time for them to put the pieces of their life back together and even longer to regain their faith in the goodness of other people. But they will have broken the bond that so often draws empaths and narcissists together.

Are you an empath who has been through such a trial? Leave a comment below and share you thoughts and experiences.

Want more help as an Empath?  >> Workbook for your Soul <<

Just for fun, take this quick quiz.

Steve WallerSteve Waller is the founder of A Conscious Rethink – a growing voice in the world of mind, body and spirit. He has benefitted greatly from self-help books and other aspects of the personal development movement, and now wants to share some of his knowledge and wisdom with those who need it. His Facebook page reaches millions of people each week with its mix of inspirational quotes, motivational videos, and helpful articles.

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