How to Recover From Being Lied to.

If anyone knows me, they know that I am in essence a lie detector…and I have to tell you, it stinks.  Deception, small or large, bothers me.  Lies of omission, where only part of the truth is told, or a version of the truth, are included in this.

When someone lies to me, first I check in with the gut feeling I get.  I always ask myself these questions:

  • Is it something I have done?  Yes/no?
  • Why wouldn’t they just tell me the truth?
  • Why did they feel the need to lie?

Here’s the truth.  The lie was never about me in any of the cases, but it still hurts just the same.  They obviously felt like they couldn’t tell me the truth because maybe this is always their default pattern.  Again, not my pattern, but theirs.  The reason they felt the need to lie is something that is in them…and that’s actually where my recovery process starts.

How to Recover From Being Lied to:

  1. In the moment, you have a quick decision to make.  Do you know them well enough to call them out on it and what is that going to do to your relationship?  Chances are, if you are reading this, you are just trying to move on with your life because it hurts and you know that calling them out on it isn’t going to change the behavior.  The only behavior we can truly change is our own and our reactions.
  2. Being taken advantage of actually means you are honest…and yes, it still hurts.  I treat people the way I want to be treated.  I would want people to tell me the truth and therefore I think others feel the same way.  This is actually not the case as I have learned over and over again.  Would it change the way I treat others?  No…it just has to change the way I handle that particular person.
  3. I let myself be angry.  I have a friend that I trust and not many fit that list.  I will go to that friend and that friend only to discuss the event.  It helps me to know that I am not alone.  They usually have a story to tell me about something that relates and our personalities are similar so I trust them.  Trust means a whole hell of a lot to me.  It is not something I take lightly.
  4. Lying is a vicious cycle that will catch up to them.  I had a narcissist friend for many years.  The lies were so thick that I think she actually thought she had fooled someone, but it wasn’t me.  Maybe it worked on other people, but I know that one day it will all come out.  It doesn’t matter if I am around or not, it will come out.  This includes co-workers, your boss, friends, partners, business folks, you name them, if they keep it up, they will get caught.
  5. Keep being real.  It really does hurt.  I know this.  Especially if you see evidence in social media right in front of your face numerous times.  You can lower your vibration by stooping to their level or you can rise above.  Countless times I have seen people who have cheated on their spouse, lied about where they are, tagged such in such in a photo proclaiming love, said they were too broke to go out with you then went somewhere else with someone else, you name it.  You know who you are and that’s all that matters.  Why they are doing this is their karma.

If you can move away from the situation over time, it really will help you heal.  Check out these articles for a little bit more:

The Thief of my Youth.

The Thief…

I remember when it first started. Old age, I thought, was a bitch. Little did I know that it was not, in fact, normal aches and pains. The first sign was when my shoulders started tensing up. They hurt so bad I could not cross my arms in front of me. Each day I would get up, put on my “happy face” and work a full day with 18 tiny people staring at me. I sang songs, songs about being happy. I had to force the pain down each and every day. Doctors couldn’t help me. It was just a flare. Bursitis said one. Arthralgia with a question mark wrote another. Cortisone shot said yet another. So I agreed. I had the shot and was in the worst pain I have almost ever felt in my life. It froze my shoulder up even more and then I cried each time I moved. I had to prop my arm on a pillow that night. I couldn’t even change out of the clothes I was in.

Over time, the pain moved to my spine. It started at the base of my neck and went down until I could feel every single vertebra in my entire spine. I was never aware of my bones before. They were simply there. The pain radiated out to my shoulder blades. I became angry and more distant with people. I was coming home from work and just withdrawing into my own shell. I would put blankets all over me because I could not get warm. I had heating pads on my back and shoulders. I’d try to do things, but simply couldn’t function after working all day long.

Whenever I tried to sleep, I could feel the bones. I would toss and turn and try to get comfortable. By the time I got to sleep, my husband was bringing me coffee. Coffee was the only way to get me up in the morning, and yet it felt like I had just gone to sleep. The cycle was horribly draining on my well-being. Not just physical, but mentally as well. There was not one person I could tell this to. Not one. Do you know what they had called me at work? Mrs. Happy. I was Mrs. Freaking Happy.

I’d alternate between praying and being mad at God. He knew what I was going through. He knew, and yet there were no answers. None. One day a co-worker slapped me on the arm and I almost slapped her across the face for touching me. Yup. I did. It took all the self-control I had to say through gritted teeth “Never, ever touch me again.”   We were not particularly close, and she had a habit of thinking things were funny and slapping my arm like I agreed. The only thing I thought was funny at the moment was watching her face as I explained how much what she did hurt. Yes, it wasn’t nice, I know.  Pain doesn’t care.

Around that time I realized I couldn’t work around people and keep up appearances. That’s when a plan starting forming in my head that I needed to work on getting better if such a thing was possible. The pain, fatigue, and doubt about whether I would be able to hold down a job with my amount of pain wore me down. Every night I would cry. If I wasn’t crying, I was pretending I was fine…until I started getting sick to my stomach almost every single day. At that point, I could no longer pretend I was fine. Food was making me violently ill and I had not been allergic to any food before in my life. A thief came in and stole my youth. I looked like a 20 something year old healthy adult with the body of an 80-year-old woman on the inside.

This was how my story started, but by God it wasn’t how it was going to continue.  If this sounds like you, please read more under the search term Health.  If you want to start tiny baby steps towards your own change, check out 4 Weeks to Wellness.

 

Pain

Save

Judge Judy…

I was reading this blog post from a very popular source recently on parenting.  It strikes me as funny when she says she has felt “judged” by other moms.  When I read her articles, I think she has it together.  She talked about how she always thought the worst of herself as a mom when she was out in public.  It reminded me of what I do to myself.

Somehow, I am unable to take a compliment.  I stutter thanks, but immediately point out all my imperfections and why I am not nearly as put together as I appear.  I mention things that no one really cares about, except me.  Things no one would even notice, if I would stop pointing it out.  Nice cover up.  “Well, you should see my stretch marks.”  Why in the world would anyone want to?  They are there.  Move on.  Great photo!  “Thanks.  I wish I had gotten my hair done before this picture.  It wouldn’t look like such a hot mess.”  Really?  Who are you kidding.  You hate to do your hair now…probably some trauma from the 80’s and 90’s.  Don’t look back.  Love my sunglasses?  “Oh, it’s because they are hiding the bags under my eyes.”  Why can’t you just take the compliment and run with it??

A while ago, I took a very enlightening class.  It was about creativity.  I realized I have it, but am afraid of using it.  I often feel that I will be judged if I don’t write something in just the correct manner.  If I mention things that everyone knows, but doesn’t want to accept, will it sound bad?  Once I learn to leave Judge Judy outside, in the car, or far away from me, my creativity seems to flow much better.  I also find that in those moments, I write the most amazing blog posts and people really connect with them.  I am open and honest, and able to feel the positive energy.  So, if you have been having far too many conversations with the “Judge” in you, take her away.  She needs a vacation and so do you.

What people remember about you are often things you don’t even realize you have done for them.  Not what you look like, if your house is clean, or if you lost weight recently.  Those are the things YOU worry about.

“Men in general judge more from appearances than from reality.  All men have eyes, but few have the gift of penetration.”  ~Niccolo Machiavelli

Appearances

Transforming Tuesday…

No, I am not talking about Optimus Prime in this post.  I could easily talk about the Decepticons as well, but I won’t.  However, I will say, that in life, you learn many lessons.  The definition of deception is misleading and I think that was the whole point of the Decepticons.  On the other hand, Optimus learned many things from his rivals.  Transformer logo

Is there more to you than meets the eye?  What do people walk away from you thinking?  Are you honest?  Do your actions speak louder than your words, but in a positive way?  Where do you see yourself in 5 years?  Will you continue to think that what you do makes NO difference or will you KNOW you make a difference?

“Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing.”  ~Optimus Prime

Never give in…

Conversation with Winston Churchill:

What do you say to people who have enemies?  “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”  Oh, okay.  That does make sense.  I like that quote.  I’ll probably use it, but what if people lack the courage to do what is right nowadays?  “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”  Yes, I know you are right.  There are days that many of my friends get discouraged.  Sometimes, I wish I had the right words to use to make them feel better.  “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”  I say that to myself a lot; however, it bears repeating over and over in order to really believe it.  I must tell you sir, that your speech entitled Never Give In has so many great quotes that it is hard for me to pick just one.  I hope my dear friends read it and think about your words.  I especially like the part where you say “appearances are often very deceptive” because that rings true in everyday life today just as it did when you wrote this speech in 1941.  Thank you sir for your help this evening.  I’ll leave my friends with one final thought for the night:

“Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never-in nothing, great or small, large or petty-never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.”  ~Winston Churchill