Practicing the Pause Before You Speak.

Social Media can either uplift, inspire, amplify, influence, or shift your moods in the most positive ways; likewise, it can show division, hate, disrespect, ignorance, greed, falsifications, and ways that people think they are living in a much better way than their fellow-man by putting others down. Using words like “all” and “everyone who ever did this__”, and hashtags folks have found which are derogatory, so they feel better in that one moment maybe being part of the mean hashtag club.  In light of many recent events, I just encourage you to practice the pause right now brothers and sisters. The pause is important.

Are you alienating people you once broke bread with? Are your words in hate and anger more important the human being?  Do you feel better arguing on social media or perhaps by doing so you are becoming the very thing you are so vehemently denying?

I spoke to you guys this week on my page about a few things and people commented that I looked a bit tired…maybe sad even.  The leaders/clergy/healers of the world have a lot on their shoulders right now and they aren’t perfect either.  Whatever religion, beliefs, or views you have, I want you to think about a few things before getting into a debate with others on social media.

3 Ways to Practice the Pause:

Is it True?  (How would you know for sure) Is it Necessary? (Is it adding value to your feed) Is it Kind? (if the answer is no…)  This is actually pretty interesting as it comes from a book of Victorian Poems called Miscellaneous Poems by Mary Ann Pietzker published in 1872.  Here is an excerpt:

Is It True? Is It Necessary? Is It Kind?

Oh! Stay, dear child, one moment stay,

Before a word you speak,

That can do harm in any way

To the poor, or to the weak;

And never say of any one

What you’d not have said of you,

Ere you ask yourself the question,

“Is the accusation true?”

And if ’tis true, for I suppose

You would not tell a lie;

Before the failings you expose

Of friend or enemy:

Yet even then be careful, very;

Pause and your words well weigh,

And ask it be necessary,

What you’re about to say.

And should it necessary be,

At least you deem it so,

Yet speak not unadvisedly

Of friend or even foe,

Till in your secret soul you seek

For some excuse to find;

And ere the thoughtless word you speak,

Ask yourself, “Is it kind?”

 

So, my thought is this.  If you are out there shouting the words of someone who does not practice the pause, and deliberately provoking people you once considered a friend, how are you being different from what you are shouting about?  To be honest, I expect those of you reading this do, in fact, practice the pause.  We can only work to change ourselves and most often I have found those who are actively working to change themselves, will reflect on this and think about it in more than one aspect.

Because I want you to have more than one take away here, especially if this brought to mind certain people in your life, I was doing research on how anger affects the brain (for my Club content), and this wonderful PDF is free so while I wanted to share this with my Club, I also want you to have it today.

In a nutshell, the research from The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine outlines how stress hormones affect your body.  Those of you with heart problems acting in anger will elevate your heart rate, blood pressure will rise, arterial tension rises, blood glucose level and blood fatty acid levels will rise as well.  I don’t want you to basically have a stroke over your anger and reactivity.  I also don’t want your headaches to increase (have you noticed that), your stomach to be upset, and your immune system to be weakened all because of how you are reacting to stress.

If this helped you in any way, here are a few tips on how to practice a simple meditation.  <<  Thank you my friends.  I wish you good health.

The ember of anger…and how to put it out.

Ember of Anger and how to put it out!

I am going to admit that there are times I run really hot.  There are things that other people speak about and they just don’t know the real deal.  They live in a bubble and seem to enjoy it there, and that’s fine for them, except when things don’t go their way.  They then emerge with their new mantle of indignation they have been knitting in said bubble, and proudly display it.

They point their fingers, and place blame.  Never having been the one to witness a thing.  But many think it feels good to blame so place blame they do.

I get asked all the time, how do I control my anger during times like this?

This is no easy task my friends, especially if you FEEL the anger radiating through your soul.  So let’s take 3 deep breaths and walk through a process you can use when this happens.

How to put out the ember of anger:

  1. Relax.  I know it’s hard.  You know that burning in your gut like you are about to explode?  Maybe it’s that shaky feeling that makes you almost sick?  How about clenching of the teeth?  Here is what you do. Stop.  Just say stop in your head.  Now focus on a stop sign visualization.  Everything is coming to a stop in your head.  Your body.  Your reaction.  You can control it right now and you are saying stop.  Visualize the stopping of thoughts.
  2. Breathe deeply.  Place both feet flat on the floor.  Even if you are in front of someone and you are about to go off.  Take your shoes off in front of them.  They want your anger, remember?  Breathe deeply for a round of three.
  3. Verbally tell them that you need a minute.  If they cross that boundary, that is on them, but you told them to give you a minute.  Be extra nice.  Think of a disarming comment you can make right this minute.
  4. Identify a miscommunication if there was one, because 90 percent is tone.  How did they just say something to you?  Did you take it as a personal affront?  Was it really a back-handed compliment?  Or can you pretend to misunderstand and turn it into a compliment?  When you start to use the situation, the anger is then reflected back on them.
  5. As difficult as it is, stick with “I” statements.  I recently had to do this about a situation involving someone who was particularly nasty and thought the world owed him something.  He felt entitled to something that was not his in the least and was actually breaking a clear law.  No trespassing signs all over the place.  Private property.  Some people though….feel the world owes them things and that is not on you.

What if you have done all this and the anger lingers?

  1. Hot bath at home with Himalayan Pink Salt.  <<Similar to mine.
  2. Put on your essential oils in your diffuser or roller ball.  Might I suggest this Stress Relief blend?  Keep it at work even.
  3. Keep a Yoga Mat at your desk.  Get. On. It.  Practice breathing on it and then stretch out for a minute, then pull yourself back together.
  4. When being Zen fails you, smush the crap out of this Squishy Stress Relief ball, close the door and do whatever you want with it.  Ha:)

Last resort, cue the music and go for a dance.  Or better yet, dare them to a dance off.  Humor always wins.

7 Questions to Ask When Dealing with a Trigger

UpsetA guest post by Heather Durling

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been dealing with some very deeply buried triggers that exist in my conscious and subconscious mind. I’ve done a lot of work in healing from my abusive childhood, so I thought I was doing pretty well. Out of nowhere, which is usually how these things go, I was shown that I still had some clearing up and cleaning out to do.

Now, my first initial reaction to these nasty triggers was to be angry, feeling as if I hadn’t come as far as I had hoped in my healing and recovery. The secondary reaction was to feel hopeless in the sense that I would never be able to completely heal. The final reaction was to look at myself and say, “I’m done allowing this to have power over me. I want to move on from this.”

This is where your power lies, these “I” statements that affirm and confirm that you are ready, willing, and able to do the work of opening up the proverbial can of worms and start sorting them out.

The way I handled my triggers was to seek help from two coaches that I have been blessed to personally know. I was willing to be asked the right questions and ready to dig deep to find the answers. You may have heard this one before – “You know the answers, and you always have. You have to be willing to see them.” When I allowed myself to go there, to really look, feel and see what was causing the physical and emotional reactions, I was able to start cleaning off some very old corrosion on my connection to myself, my heart, and my spirit.

In Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book, “Excuses Be Gone,” he tells us to ask ourselves the following: “First of all, is it true? Can you be 100% sure that what you’re saying is true? Don’t believe everything you think. Almost everything that you think doesn’t hold up to a simple-truth test.”

How do you know what to ask yourself, or where to look within, when seeking if how you are feeling is true?

Where a lot of people seem to struggle, is exactly where I got stuck. When these powerful triggers struck me, one being very physical where I lost my ability to speak and literally froze for a few moments, and the other an emotional reaction to being made to feel less than – it was very difficult to know what to do with them. Most of the time, we ride them out, waiting for them to subside. However, if you can learn how to ask yourself the right questions when a trigger is in full force, you can start to heal from it.

When a trigger hits you, ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What is it that person is triggering within you?
  2. What are you feeling? (i.e. anger, sadness, etc.)
  3. Where are you feeling it? Be still for a moment and sense if it’s in your head, heart, gut, etc.
  4. Can you tap into why it makes you feel that way?
  5. Who was it in your past that made you feel this way?
  6. Have you forgiven yourself for allowing it, and have you forgiven them for doing it?
  7. Ask yourself – how they made you feel, is it true?

That final question, “Is it true?” will almost always prove to be false when it’s a trigger. They are often caused by someone else’s belief that was downloaded into you, or by a trapped emotional reaction that hasn’t been released, such as feeling powerless, terrified, hurt, and betrayed.

Once you have done the work of cleaning out all of the “stuff” that is causing the trigger to engage, you have gained power over it. Then it’s time to redo your “I” statement. For an example, with the strong physical trigger, I was hit with, the original “I” statement that was happening was: “I am in danger, I am afraid.” After going through the steps, asking the questions, and finding the answers, I was able to change that statement to: “I am in control. I am safe.” Saying that still brings an emotional reaction of tears to my eyes, but it’s because I’m still in the process of accepting those words. However, I will keep repeating that statement until it becomes as strong as the lie it has replaced.

It takes practice, just as it took practice for you to learn how to walk. You fell, A LOT. However, your powerful desire to walk fiercely outweighed the temporary moments of falling. This will take time; it is a process, so please remember to be kind to yourself while going through it, knowing that you will eventually learn how to walk away, leaving the past behind you once and for all.

About Heather Durling:  Founder of The Phoenix Gathering, Practitioner, and Personal Coach for adult survivors of child abuse. She is a fellow survivor who strives to learn new ways to thrive, while sharing her knowledge with those on their own healing journey. She is also a co-facilitator for a local support group, speaker, writer, and a closet herb mad scientist.  She is a guest in the Head|Heart|Health Club as we learn to shift our thoughts.  <<< click on the link for more.

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20 Minutes of Anger or tips for not Hulking out

Recently I was at a talk where someone said emotions take 60 seconds to pass through the brain…while that might be true of some emotions, it is not true of all.  Take ANGER for example.  Oh yeah, that bad boy throws a fit.

How does anger respond in the brain?

The bad news…when we become angry, like really, really angry, think HULK angry, our cerebral cortex, or thinking part of the brain, is bypassed. The limbic system, or emotional center, is considered more primitive.  Okay, so to grasp this, Hulk center equals primitive thoughts, rational thoughts equals Dr. Banner.  Yes, I am a geek, but this works.  Back to the brain.

The data that we get from the outside world passes through our amygdala, where it decides whether to pass it on to Dr. Banner or the Hulk.  So basically, during the fight or flight event, the amygdala goes into action without thinking of the consequences as it doesn’t have to. This reactive incident has come to be known as an amygdala hijacking…or in geek terms, Hulking out.

What happens next?

During the Hulking out, or amygdala hijacking, the hormones flow freely.  A surge of energy follows preparing us for flight or flight…and of course, during a Hulk moment, what do you think you are going to choose?  Wellll, you don’t actually choose right then.  Unless you have your anger under serious control, during those moments, what the person says or does is not controlled by Dr. Banner…it is controlled by Hulk who smashes first, thinks later.  Unfortunately, the impact of these hormones that leads to anger can last several moments…or several days.  Yup DAYS.

According to research, on average, it can actually take 20 minutes for a person who has experienced an angry state of HULK to calm and move from functioning from the emotional area to the thinking area of the brain, thus turning back to Dr. Banner.

Hulk smash?  No.  Stay calm.

As a kid growing up in the 80’s, yes, you guessed it, I watched The Incredible Hulk.  Bill Bixby and the awesome Lou Ferrigno, who as a young girl, was scary to watch on T.V.  Ha.  My dad was frequently thought of in our house as the Hulk at times too.  He never ever remembered what he said when angry.  Yes, I still love my dad, but it needs to be referenced that I did grow up with someone frequently Hulking out around me.  My brother and I both can get angry fairly fast as well.  So how do you learn to stop the immediate rush of hormones?

Tips to tame the Hulk:

  1. Stop and breathe.  Just 3 short breaths and remember you are currently NOT in control of your thoughts…which means your mouth.
  2. Use a code word for your family which seriously tells them not to push your buttons right now.  I need a moment works as well.  Or “Go outside right now.  NOW”.  I need some air.  That might work for your kids.  If it is a spouse, move away from them and tell them that they need to leave you alone to process your anger for a while, and you can revisit this later.
  3. Get some exercise or yoga.  It is well-known that exercise increases serotonin and endorphins.  Why is this important?  Endorphins and serotonin are important chemicals known as neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters are manufactured in your brain and affect your mood, energy levels and overall well-being. remember that burst of energy you are going to get up there ^^^ as the Hulk?  Use it here instead.
  4. Stick with “I feel…” statements during this time and let people know how something made you feel…not blaming, but stick strictly to feelings.
  5. Use humor to diffuse the situation if you can…quick tell me a joke.  This doesn’t always work, but it helps my teens.  They smile and then we try very hard to move past whatever it is.  If we give the anger somewhere to go, it has less control over our brain and we return to thinking faster.

A few other tips can be found in my grounding article, as that works well with people who are processing many emotions that might not even be theirs.  Check out Learning to control your highly sensitive emotions as well.  Sometimes we realize that we are reacting to emotions or even channeling other emotions around us thus bringing us to whatever level the other person is functioning at.  Take the time to remember you are not always in control, and use the tips here to get your Hulk state calmed down.

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